Coffee Shop Diary: The Smell of My Wang

3 May
The girl in this story looks somewhat like adult film performer Christine Young.

The girl in this story looks somewhat like adult film performer Christine Young.

I can’t stop fucking looking at this woman and I can’t stop being aware of what a fucking dork I must look like, resting my face awkwardly in my fingers. It is extremely uncomfortable but I can’t stop doing it. Because she’ll know I stopped doing it because I was afraid she would think I’m a dork. I can’t make eye contact but I can’t look away so instead I give her this squinty side-eye. And she knows, she knows, that I am supremely unworthy to ejaculate into her fertile young womb.

If I had a huge wang it wouldn’t be like this. I would just shoot her a glance that implied “hey, I have a huge wang.” I know I’m a jittery weirdo in a coffee shop at noon on a weekday but my member is unusually thick and lengthy. Therefore, nothing else matters. She could smell it on me. The smell of my wang. Her mind would try to resist but her loins would be inflamed by some pheromone and she would have to give me doe eyes. She would be forced to gesture that I follow her into the bathroom where she would “present” to me, bending over against the cardboard ass gasket dispenser upon which somebody has sharpied “Free Cowboy Hats.” Her cooch would pucker wetly in anticipation and I would slowly drive my impossibly thick fleshy snake into her hot meat tunnel and fill her with thick spurts of my manly seed. She would convulse, satisfied that I had given her a son who would also have a huge wang. We would shake hands, businesslike, and part company. Instead I look for something in my tea.

9 Responses to “Coffee Shop Diary: The Smell of My Wang”

  1. Another Mary May 3, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

    I was enjoying my work lunch of a meatloaf sandwich until I read “…hot meat tunnel…” Then, for some reason that reminded me of that Palahniak story about the swimming pool filter and floating corn kernals. Throughly nauseous now.

  2. dannyfrom504 May 3, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

    it smells of parental disappointment and lube.

  3. Ruxman May 3, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    “She would be forced to gesture that I follow her in the bathroom where she would “present” to me.” You are a deviant man lol, my dirty jokes are usually filled with words like imgregnate, fertilise, creampie, inseminate, upskirt, breed etc etc.

  4. lolcopterpilot May 3, 2013 at 6:55 pm #

    There are 7 young blondes in my coffeeshop right now, speaking some inscrutable, vaguely-Nordic dialect. WWDTD?

  5. L. Roy Aiken May 3, 2013 at 9:01 pm #

    Dear God, that was beautiful. You’ve been a roll lately. Don’t stop.

  6. Mike Doe May 3, 2013 at 9:43 pm #


    • Fagtardicus May 3, 2013 at 11:36 pm #


  7. emily May 4, 2013 at 9:55 am #

    you would be happy as a gay man i think

  8. liam May 6, 2013 at 6:14 am #

    Go to and type in bathmate in search bar, your welcome.

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