Reader Mailbag: What is Your Workout

31 May

get ripped

Matt asks:

Would you ever consider posting your workout?

I’m built almost exactly like you – 6’1″, naturally skinny, and jacked up nose. My ball bag is well-proportioned however, but that is beside the point. Anyway, your physique is pretty much my endgame. I broke my shoulder recently and am just starting to feel well enough to get back to the fitness grind. I could use something different, because I plateau easily.

I got this question because I post shirtless twitter selfies. I do this because I grew up a flabby sack of shit and now I’m not. I use social media to beg other men to look at my naked body and love me. Because in my heart I hate myself.

Anyway– here’s how to look like those pictures:

Find a harsh light and stand under it. Flex until you’re about to grind your molars out of your jaw. But not so much that your face looks like you’re flexing. Flex until your asshole could cut a steel pipe but hold your body like it’s half relaxed. Before this, lift until you hurt. Then get the pics quickly while your traitor muscles scramble to deflate back into flabby old lady shitbags. The light matters more than anything. Find a gym with harsh lighting in the locker room. Every gym should have this. Who the fuck builds a gym with big mirrors and then puts soft lighting in it– kill that person.

What is my workout. 4 times a week now. Take Monday Tuesday Wednesday off because I’m beat up from work. Thursday I realize I’ve slacked three days in a row and if I don’t get on it I’ll become a disgusting slovenly fat fuck. But I’m still lazy. So: core day at home. Floorfuckers with that wheel on a stick. Obliques– cantilever myself off the base of the couch with my hips resting on the ottoman and haul up the torso. Or you can take a 5 gallon bucket of water and do side raises. Serratus anterior pushups.

Face removed because it looks like I'm taking a bad shit

Face removed because it looks like I’m taking a bad shit

Friday there’s an AA meeting near my gym so I do leg day. The drawback is this ruins Saturday. Leg day creates agony. The day after I feel like I’m menstruating. Squats. 4 sets, highest weight is 135-145. Ass to grass. That’s nothing but it still hurts for days. Calf raises. If I have time, hamstrings and quads.

Saturday is chest shoulders triceps. I do military first because my titties are already big, but my shoulders need to stick out more. Difficult to achieve when white. Meanwhile every NBA player has twin canteloupes popping out from birth. Then incline, decline or flat bench. Side lateral raises on a standing bench that leans forward sightly to hit the middle delt and give me the diamond cut. Some kind of chest flyes to get zipper tits. The opposite of whatever I did for presses. So if I did incline press I’ll do decline flye. Some tricep shit. Dips or pulldowns with the rope. If I have time, upright rows.

Sunday is back day. Deadlifts if I’m ambitious. If you do two big leg things a week recovery time lessens. The answer to leg pain is: do legs more often. Run into the ambush. If not that, Roman chair. Lat pullups, or pulldowns with one of the gym’s 15,000 handles. Since this doesn’t involve many joints, it’s the only machine I can rack. Rows. Pullup rows. Rear delt flyes; I like to angle the weights funny so I feel it in my middle trapezius. If I have time, biceps and forearms, with pullups, or dumbbells, or the preacher, or just straight curls with a barbell.

But: none of this shit matters. You ask about plateaus. You break plateaus by getting fat. Therefore: fuck how strong I am. Lifting exists to create a base for my shreddedness. Strength and size mean nothing. What matters is how ripped you are. I have no fat because I don’t drink. Learning the amount of calories in booze is like watching one of those ISIS beheading videos. You can’t resist knowing and then after you just feel horrible. You lose fat by not drinking but you also lose your ability to get your fatless body into bed with a woman. Don’t stop drinking.

But when it happens, it rules. I live for the moment I take my shirt off for a one night stand. I’m a diner meal they ordered to grief eat after an abortion, and it comes to the table looking like a spread out of Gourmet. Girls will fuck me because I’m hot. A weird feeling. They find my mind and soul repulsive but they’ll keep taking my smelly cock because they like how my serratus anterior pops out. My rippling ass winking in the mirror. I too find my mind and soul repulsive, so it feels right.

I’m not strong. I’m a pathetic weakling with tendons like a boiled chicken. But I look strong as hell. Men are afraid of me on the street. Women fantasize about me abusing them. I look in the mirror the way a bald old man looks at his Ferrari. It’s a work of art. No matter how you’re built you can do basic work and your body approaches perfection. It’s wonderful. I’d trade it for a bigger dick in an instant.

22 Responses to “Reader Mailbag: What is Your Workout”

  1. Brad May 31, 2015 at 2:23 pm #

    So then the real question is – what is your diet?

    Seriously, how do you get that body fat %.

    • delicioustacos May 31, 2015 at 3:43 pm #

      Typical day:

      Breakfast: granola & milk

      Lunch: 2 cups chili w/ cheese

      Dinner: 1lb roast pork shoulder, yams, Brussels sprouts

      Dessert: 1 lb frozen blueberries

      Snack: Fruit gummis at work or two chocolate chip cookies at an AA meeting.

      I also chew 7 pieces of maximum strength nicorette per day and smoke 3 cigarettes. This is the nicotine intake of a 1930’s Frenchman. I’m going to be stepping off that soon, so: who knows. Maybe I’ll turn into a sowbellied schlump.

      • The Man Who Is Friday June 9, 2015 at 8:55 am #

        I used to dip smokeless tobacco. I’d quit drinking or dipping from time to time and always overcompensated with the other depending on what I was quitting. If I quit drinking, I’d dip way too much and have sore teeth and bleeding gums. If I quit dipping, I’d drink too much and gain lots of weight.

        Now I have quit dipping for 10 months but I’m slowly cutting back on my dipping. Life is so boring without vices. I couldn’t imagine life without porn. What would people do?

      • Stephen June 11, 2015 at 6:04 pm #

        Think you could get your work out routine outline to look more like your diet outline?

    • Anal Trauma May 31, 2015 at 5:06 pm #

      You beat me to it.

  2. mom says it's psychologically taut May 31, 2015 at 4:30 pm #

    how do you look ripped as a GoT character, yet end up banging some “thick black chick” whose “cunt smelled like celery” and who cannot properly identify water fowl.

    i enjoy every word from your writing and look forward to each post, but it’s these little inconsistencies that cause a splinter in my mind. are you fictionalizing your thirst in juxtaposition with your clearly attractive qualities (being above 6′, white, able to play guitar, witty and shredded) to highlight how hard it is to get pussy in LA without being famous. or something else. what’s going on. my reading comprehension is wearing thin.

    • Anal Trauma May 31, 2015 at 5:08 pm #

      He has issues.

      • The Ghost of Christmas Future October 18, 2015 at 12:27 am #

        His issues stand out like an overamped set of halogen headlights, but if by doing squats ass to grass means he does deep squats, he is sooner or later going to have one more problem: one or both knees blown out.

        Never go less than a 90 degree angle between the upper and lower leg, if you want to keep your knees working.

        And might I suggest AlAnon or CODA in addition to, or in place of, SLAA and/or AA? Seriously.

        I don’t think your fundamental problem is your dick size, your sense of not having succeeded in your life, or the shallowness of women you attract by seeking out superficial attractiveness, and offering up the same as your leading suit.

        I too used to fuck a shit ton of fairly attractive but mostly superficial women, and was never satisfied. Starting looking for something different, and in different places, and hit the lottery. Never looked back.

        Thought I could never get enough of the cocksman life, til I found a woman with a lot of character, a lot of brains, a lot of ambition, and was looking for someone who wanted to appreciate for not only her looks, but other less visible attributes as well.

        Now I am just glad I didn’t end up with my body rotting from my years walking on the wild side.

        Or to put it more succinctly, if you fish in an old junkyard pond filled with a bunch of bottomfeeding catfish who digest all the garbage that they can find, you aren’t going to land anything you want to hang on to. At most you will regret the fact that they snapped your line, and you will fantasize about what might have been. Even though deep down, you realize they never were able to offer what you really want.

        It ain’t just about putting the plug in the jug, or keeping your hands out of your pants when you aren’t pissing…it’s also about changing our playgrounds, and playmates, amigo.

        Found your blog via a reference from another blogger I read regularly…read a few of your tails of woe. Dude, next time you look in the mirror, forget about muscle beach posing, and do yourself a favor and look at what you want vs. what you are chasing, and then do something about it.

        Sincerely.

  3. Jim Christian May 31, 2015 at 5:33 pm #

    Lay off the whites. Potatoes, cake, bread, sugar. Eat meat, veggies, salad. Eggs. With even a scintilla of metabolism you’ll maintain. I don’t lift, I ride a heavy Jap motorcycle very fast and curl and climb steep hills on foot. That’s it. Build the long muscles and forget the bulked up steroidal look. In the end, be wire-shaped, be strong with endurance. Bulk doesn’t make a bad-ass, good shape, guns, bikes and attitudes make a bad-ass. That trumps a muscle-head every time, man to man and in the face of broads.

  4. LG June 1, 2015 at 12:23 pm #

    In the pantheon of great DT lines,”learning the amount of calories in booze is like watching one of those ISIS beheading videos” is up there with “his dick was like a blind cave fish” and “even Jennifer Connelly’s mom thinks, ‘ass to ass.'”

  5. Mark Boris June 1, 2015 at 3:09 pm #

    I just tried your flexing tips, and wow, I have a better body than I realized. I’m also a weakling that squats 145, so maybe there’s hope for me too. Looks like I can get a DT body after all!

  6. lolz June 1, 2015 at 5:15 pm #

    After being sweat on by fat bald 50 yr olds, I bet you were a welcome change for those 12 yr old filipine whores.

  7. jealous and envious unlaid 27 year old June 1, 2015 at 6:39 pm #

    dude, for what it’s worth—i look at your silly shirtless selfies on twitter and i feel envy and jealousy because i lack the self-discipline to work out like a convict and completely quit the addictive behavior that leads to being a weak-looking pussy. and this is coming from a 27 year old. you’re pushing 40 and you look in your prime. chin up and keep it up man. really enjoy your writing.

  8. Scott June 1, 2015 at 7:15 pm #

    My body used to look similar. I’m not a pretty boy though, so I was still invisible to thin girls my age. Decided there was no point in maintaining that level of leanness when all it meant was a slightly easier time pulling fatties and cougars. Might as well double up on the baclava and just visit the odd hooker.

  9. Anony-fucking-mous June 3, 2015 at 8:53 am #

    The amount of men I see doing floorfuckers with that wheel thing at the gym has increased exponentially since this was posted. I’m always amazed at the reach and influence DT has on my fellow man.

    Searching for his okcupic profile writeup on OKC left me with thousands upon thousands of men all with the same profile, I know sometimes life may get you down and it may seem like you’ve done nothing of worth with your vast intellect. But this blog and it’s reach is certainly something of worth and something to be proud of.

  10. internet guy June 3, 2015 at 9:25 am #

    funny and interesting. sorry for just one last fitness question… no cardio? i hate that stuff in the gym, sometimes like it when outdoors or playing sports. but it would seem to be that ripped you have to do a lot of it… or is it really more the nicotine?

  11. USS Nimitz June 4, 2015 at 8:06 pm #

    I’m built same as you, with perfect grapefruit shoulders, smaller arms (helps shoulders pop), no chiseled abs after age 25, and an ass so perfect it could be a woman’s.

    One warmup plus four sets of sitting dumbell military presses up to about 45 pounds, mixed with four sets of standing lateral dumbell raises, up to about 25 pounds. 30 is pushing it. This for many years. On shoulder day I cruise like an aircraft carrier on land. Its pretty fucking ridiculous actually, they gawk. No need for incline after this, just flat bench. Ripped my shoulder once when the dumbell fell backward. Boxing with 16oz gloves also works, and is a shitload more fun than another gym day.

    Its the abs that make the physique though. Hit 30 and even eating light doesn’t seem to work, although I can’t avoid binge eating. I have the feeling you have to hit abs harder and longer than any other part to make it happen.

  12. USS Nimitz June 4, 2015 at 8:28 pm #

    To add to that… in college I felt deep contempt for the sluts, all swooning over my perfect physique; don’t they know that the mind defines the man–my sickly porn-addict mind? I felt like a pair of socks in a big professionally gift-wrapped box. Aware of my problem, I seek out legit accomplishments.

  13. Anon1 June 6, 2015 at 4:29 am #

    Seriously man, just write a goddamn book already. you could make a long running english novella with prose like that.

    use those intrusive thoughts for something incredible

  14. Atlanta Man June 6, 2015 at 1:38 pm #

    If you really want to get shredded got to the gym 4 times a week, Lift free weights for 1 hour and hit the stairmaster for 45 minutes to 1 hour on your way out. The only day you do not hit the stairmaster is leg day. Do this for two months, take leg day seriously, and eat responsibly and you will look like a beast!

  15. jack meeoff June 12, 2015 at 4:28 pm #

    reminds me of this funny toon Roosh made:

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