Plenty of Fish

28 Jun

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There’s no reason to spend a millisecond with another person who isn’t fucking me. And yet I do. I’ll see my parents. Then go to this stupid AA meeting. My father’s dead yet I still go to at least 50 parental birthday dinners a year. Because it’s Mother’s Day Father’s Day This Day That Day– some fucking wedding, Jesus Christ. There’s no Fuck Me Day, no Mexican Teen Pussy Day, Xbox Day. All chit chatting with old people until you look down and your own hands are old.

Middle age. Incline press now pathetic. Squats hurt for nine years if I go past parallel. After each leg day pay a Thai woman with a 200 year old toad face to manipulate my hips painfully. And I got on Plenty of God Damn Fucking Fish. The suggested matches were like Silent Hill concept art. Curated age appropriate women so fat old and gruesome that there have never been paintings of people like this. Old depictions of Baba Yaga, more pleasing. Cautionary medieval woodcuts about gluttony. Ugliness so horrendous no man born before Plenty of Fish could conceive it. Bosch thought to put a crayfish head on a stout farm wife in hell but couldn’t come up with dickshrinkers like these. It goes without saying they have kids. That I could message them, and never hear back.

 

13 Responses to “Plenty of Fish”

  1. dickycone June 28, 2018 at 10:20 am #

    I’m a few years older than you and I was having major joint problems with lifting up until about a year ago. Pull-ups particularly were becoming almost impossible because of elbow pain, and my right shoulder and both knees were pretty bad too. I think what fixed it was:

    1) I spent three or four months lifting ridiculously light and slow…as in at least six full seconds to finish each rep, sometimes ten on upper-body lifts. I find this impossible on legs exercises, so on legs day I’d just do smooth motions on each rep and two-second holds at the bottom. Massive burn, and after the workout it felt more like I’d been swimming than lifting. Did just around 25 minutes or so of this five or six times a week on a chest, arms, legs, shoulders, back, rest rotation. Did some yoga along with that. Seems to have built up my core and the muscles around my joints to the point that I can go heavy and do longer workouts now without much chance of injury as long as I keep my form good.

    2) Intermittent fasting. I do the 16/8 kind. Aside from burning fat, it’s supposed to have all these other healing qualities that I can’t remember specifically.

    Anyway my joints feel almost as good as they did when I was in my twenties now. Give the above a shot, maybe.

    Sorry about the sorry state of US womanhood. Thanks for reminding me to be glad I’m not single.

  2. "Bad" Billy Pratt @ Kill to Party June 28, 2018 at 2:46 pm #

    For reasons I can’t completely understand, the user base for Plenty of Fish is much dumber than OKCupid. Not that OKCupid users are smart, but they seem to think they are. There is a certain comfort with POF women and their stupidity. And it isn’t cute stupidity, you know, like “anon, the world is too hard, will you explain it for me?” The kind of stupidity that you were promised as a child and one more thing on the list that the world failed you on. Theirs is a kind of daytime television stupidity, where they complain about men not liking a “cool, curvy chick,” as they unironically expect Chad to marry them up while treating you like a beta-chump for even bothering. My favorite is the new line I’ve heard a few times now, “I’m **NOT** the kind of girl to send nudes to someone I just started talking to, so we’ll have to get to know each other a bit before any of that!!!”

    I am in hell, help me.

    • J.P.S. June 28, 2018 at 11:07 pm #

      “Hell is other people”

    • Anonymous July 20, 2018 at 9:42 pm #

      The problem, volcel, is that you’re just unfuckable no matter which way you slice it.

  3. Dome Beers June 28, 2018 at 2:49 pm #

    I go on plenty of fish and get a date and almost immediately after they block me. Strangest thing. I’ve resorted to hitting on 30 year olds. God, why can’t the Norks nuke us.

    • Anonymous July 20, 2018 at 9:50 pm #

      Because you are also undateable and probably an insufferable, whiny man child.

  4. Nah July 5, 2018 at 9:53 pm #

    This is boring. Where’s the serialized novel? I would pay for it.

    • delicioustacos July 7, 2018 at 11:14 am #

      Let me get this out of the way: suck my ass.

      Second: yeah I don’t like blogging anymore. It feels like nothing. But the book is hard to write. You need time and mental clarity. You need to be inspired. There is no mailing it in. Or at least, to force it, you have to be in a place where you can sit down and force it. I have a fucking job and loud neighbors. And the next chapter is fucking hard, man. We’re at the Winds of Winter section now. Almost wrapping up. 7 more chapters. Next one is the biggest bitch of them all. I don’t know how to do it. It will take time.

      And while I’m doing that, if I don’t keep putting shit on this site, no one will read the book. Already I get one third as many views as at my peak. Web sites are all in the toilet, greedy reptilians destroyed the internet, there is no long tail, there will be no solution. Etc.

      So you’ll get it when you get it.

      • jack July 19, 2018 at 4:36 pm #

        i thought it was funny as shit
        youre a damn good writer

      • delicioustacos July 19, 2018 at 7:09 pm #

        thank you

      • Bonnes Tacos July 20, 2018 at 2:40 pm #

        Leave out the last chapter and release it later as DLC. (Three versions.)

  5. david smith July 8, 2018 at 9:31 pm #

    “Silent Hill concept art” LOL. Brilliant. Just a throw away line and you make it look so damn easy. If anyone ever suggested you had anything short of brilliant voice I’d want to smack their face.

  6. Anonymous July 20, 2018 at 9:39 pm #

    Seriously? The men on Pof all look like they did 40 years hard time in prison with the tatts to match and are from places I didn’t even know existed in California.

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