The Tight Underwear

12 Sep

soprano boxers 2

My new underwear is too tight. If I wear the waistband low it will cut off my femoral arteries. Or the veins that crawl over my hipbones. It will cut off my blood supply. I’ll have to get limbs amputated. I will be retarded.

If I wear them high, what. They make me know how fat I am. I have a fucking six pack and I’m fat. Need to throw out this candy. I have a girl now who leaves chocolate here. She doesn’t eat it herself. She leaves it here for me to eat. She wants me to be fat. I can feel the elastic pinch in to the bicycle tire size ring of flab on my belly. It will leave a red imprint around my guts. Take six weeks to recede.

It’s a delicate balance. For my body to be genuinely ripped my face has to be so skinny that my eyes sit in deep black pits. Eyeballs themselves beginning to wrinkle like grapes that fell off the bunch and sat in the bottom of the bag as the grapes got so old they went on sale for 39 cents a pound. Fat gut fat face, I can feel it. My new underwear I was so excited about. Nice colors. Nice patterns. They will crucially cradle my balls which have hurt lately. This is what I thought. Whatever connects my nuts to the rest of me has hurt like a gremlin is gently tugging down on it. Tweaking the nut meat and a fingerful of sac down and down toward the earth so I tangle them in my ankles when I walk naked. I was watching The Sopranos. Tony returns from the toilet in his comare’s house just before she’s set on fire cooking Egg Beaters and Tabasco. He wears boxers. How can this man older than me let his nuts hang free like this. Do other men, even fat guys who lurch around, whose big thick fat legs just bruise and batter the sac–do other men have small tight balls.

Anyway I bought this underwear to support my balls. 100% cotton too. The “microfiber” blends make my sac stink like an old lady. I was excited about the new underwear; they were buy two get one free; the cashier was cute young and Asian and I got to ask her where the men’s underwear was which made her think about me in it. Doubtless picturing a much thicker imaginary version of my schlong. And when she checked me out the credit card machine said LEAVE CARD INSERTED, which made me think: I’d like to leave my COCK inserted–in YOU. And then I laughed all the way back to my car thinking of this.

Every fucking thing, an appointment in Samarra. I can feel it already. No blood in my fingers. I feel lightheaded. Puny dry brain rattling in its high school gym size skull, smacking against the sides. Distorting my memories. My prefrontal cortex intact of course. That which enables me to plan, function and work. God forbid I should become an impulsive animal who just steals and rapes. Guts twisted. Jesus Christ. Should I return the other two for a large.

10 Responses to “The Tight Underwear”

  1. fanci24 September 13, 2018 at 10:37 am #

    Must be the microfiber brand. You’ve got the six pak abs & ball sak ..reminds me of David Beckham in fuckthenfl bowl commercial…that man wore his boxers well. So before you size up, how’s your ass look in those unders?

  2. J.B September 13, 2018 at 1:15 pm #

    I thought you were dead compadre.

  3. V O L T A I C C September 13, 2018 at 11:11 pm #

    “She leaves it here for me to eat. She wants me to be fat.” She leaves it because women are legit unhinged and the act of feeding squeezes a quarter droplet of oxytocin into their pea brains. Heed Patrice’s words and throw away anything a woman leaves at your place.

    Also avoid MeUndies, their natural fiber really gets the precum oozing, but the waistband, even 2 sizes up, makes me feel like my thighs are suffocating or something. Any synthetic fibers feel like wearing saran wrap.

  4. small minds discuss people September 14, 2018 at 2:43 pm #

    Yeah, some guys are like two plums in one of those little no-show microfiber socks. Some are more like a couple of pears in one of those huge striped socks all the dads used to have. In my experience the tighter ones enjoy being played with more & pendulous ballsacks belong to neurotics.

  5. You All Missed The Point September 14, 2018 at 9:10 pm #

    This is a thinly veiled social comment on the conditions in Uruguayan sweatshops & the effect on the Western consumer. Well done, sir.

  6. D W September 18, 2018 at 4:10 pm #

    An “Appointment in Samarra” reference. Tacos, you never cease to amaze me. Nice work.

  7. hctiB September 20, 2018 at 3:33 am #

    toggaf a llits era uoy

  8. Anonymous October 9, 2018 at 7:22 pm #

    Almost a month. RIP DT

  9. smol October 24, 2018 at 7:48 pm #

    Have you tried Duluth Trading Company’s Buck Naked underoos? I’m told that they’re (a) comfortable and (b) won’t make your nuts smell weird. BIFL kind of item.

  10. Steve September 15, 2019 at 3:30 pm #

    I’ve since gone with exclusively wearing ‘ranger panties’ as underwear. Inner liner keeps your nutz cradled and you’re ready for anything; workout, swim, run . . .anything. They will not flatter your dick when emerging from the pool though. If you’re George Constanza you’re George Constanza.

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