Reminder, I’m posting all new material on Substack so I can make money. I also have a terrible podcast there.
**
We got this fancy pork from a pig farm we visited. Wooly pigs. The breeding boar’s as big as a polar bear and the farmer, about 70, an old school California white guy who used to dive for sea urchins for a living, throws him apricots so he’ll come up to the fence. His hairs are thick as pencils. His breath sounds like a whale breathing. He’s caked in mud and clay, and you can pet him. And the farmer says to smell your hands afterward. It smells like nothing. They don’t sweat, the farmer explains.
The pig doesn’t register being petted. He concentrates on an apricot.
To tour the farm you have to buy meat. We got bacon, pork chops, a roast, and sausage.
Tonight’s the night we cook the special sausage. I’m making my two best side dishes with it. Mashed potatoes. Sauteed asparagus. I just cooked these for her two weeks ago. For our six month anniversary. It’s not a time to fuck with the program. An important meal. I’m gonna play the hits.
I get everything and get the potatoes boiling and the wood fire going. I realize I forgot to buy a lemon. We need it for the asparagus.
My back yard is a steep hill behind a concrete wall. Over the fence the neighbor has a lemon tree. There appears to be one ripe lemon within reach. I climb the wall and climb the hill and reach for it.
It’s 3 inches from my hand.
I lean on the chain link fence and it yields a little. I get one inch closer.
I can touch a leaf from the branch the lemon is on. I flick the leaf making the branch bounce up and down. I can palpate the lemon on the upswing.
It slips from my grasp.
The hill behind my house is made of construction landfill. The dirt covers old cans glass and old screws. I find a splintered old board that’s 3 feet long. Hold it in my right hand. I try to whack the lemon into my left hand with it. Almost but not quite. I say FUCK. GOD DAMMIT.
I start to climb the chain link fence. But it’s loose and not really moored to anything. It cuts into my feet. I climb back down the hill and the concrete wall and back to the house to get my sandals. Susannah’s on the couch looking at Instagram. Working on her project. I explain about the lemon.
So you were yelling about a lemon, she says.
Yes and I’m so close to getting it.
She says OK I’m gonna help you.
We climb back up the wall and hill together. If you slip you can impale yourself on poles and branches. I explain what I’ve tried to get the lemon.
I’m gonna pick you up, she says. She likes to grab me around the butt and squat me to show her strength. She tries but the hill’s too steep. She can’t stand properly.
I tell her to get on my back and I’ll lean on the fence. And she does, but the fence starts groaning and it’s going to break.
We propose and dismiss other schemes.
I’m close with the neighbors. They gave me permission to take their lemons. I could text them. Go down the hill. Go through the gate. Go back up the hill and pick one or a hundred lemons. Even if they didn’t see the text. They wouldn’t give a shit if I came on their property and harvested lemons.
But that would be failure. I know it and and she knows too.
We notice old bricks and chunks of concrete. We stack them in a Wile E. Coyote like pyramid structure. I step up on it tentatively.
It holds. I easily pick the lemon.
I blanche the asparagus in boiling water. I prepare for the second stage, sautéing. I cut the lemon. Its juice does not squirt out and sting my eyes and blind me. A gnome does not appear and curse me.
delicioustacos 
Dogshit writing about nothing but your grocery trips. You’re old and whiny.
all of his Premiumshit writing is behind three layers of paywalls. you have to get invited by someone already deeply subscribed to get passed the 3rd paywall. then you get to read about his filthy sexcapades from 5+ years ago.
btw DeeTee that’s got to be the ugliest, darkest pig i’ve ever seen in my goddamn life.
not trying to be mean, but that was really uninspired and unrelatable. i guess you see it as “slice of life” but it came off as unnecessary.
your recent posts give off such beta vibes…”i asked her to be my girlfriend…yes i did ask multiple times…” and “i cooked for her for our anniversary”….”i risked my health to get a free lemon, oh yes i must have lemon with asparagus it is a key part of the recipe”. get a fuckin shower and whole house water filter dude the fluoride and xenoestrogens got you big time…
Del-Teetotaller no longer smokes or drinks alcoholic beverages, so all those LA industrial toxins are permanently stored in his body instead of getting flushed out. His writing is now incredibly j*wish and feminine.
this reminds me of Chinaski
I’m still trying to get to a point where I can rescue Delicious Tacos from his dreary California existence and bring him up to Canada to work beside me and be published.
My website is dark.sport.blog in case you’re curious about my own practice writing. I don’t have a paywall.
Shin kick, shin kick, shin kick, overhand right, mount, ground and pound.
Write dumb shit again and I’ll find you and shit in your mouth. 48 and writing diary entries about his “long-term relationship.” You are a useless old loser with nothing.
THE GNOMES ARE APPEARING IN THE COMMENTS SECTION AND CURSING YOU!!! IT’S OVER. SHUT IT DOWN. MOVE EVERYTHING TO SIMPSTACK. FUCK THE FREELOADERS THEY DON’T APPRECIATE YOUR “GENIUS”. FUCK WEBSITES FUCK WORDPRESS. FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. MORE VAPES MORE GAPES.
“I RISKED A BACK INJURY TO GET A FREE LEMON” – DELTACOS 2024
“I PETTED A BLACK PIG HERE IS A PICTURE TO PROVE I’M NOT A SPECIEST BIGOT” – DELTACOS 2024
N*GGA U R RICH JUST BUY A LEMON TREE THEY COST LIKE $50 AT HOME DEPOT. OH MY GOD WTF ARE YOU DOING BRUH?!?!?!
Happy for you! The haters are just jealous.
I will do to you what Jews do to Palestinians.
Amputate your foot at the ankle then beat you with it. I see Jews doing that.
I’m the big boss man and I’m going to slap you with a brick, shattering your orbital bone. Then I bring out The Claw. You gaze in horror and think, “Oh no! What will the big boss man do next?” I laugh and raise my arms in a V.
I’m going to buy a brontosaurus’s femur from eBay then smash your skull with it. I will do it in front of your girl so she gets the ick while you weep softly in the dirt. My arms raised in a V above you.
I will find her IG that night and slide into her DM’s and eventually vagina. You… bested then cuckolded by an alpha male.