Financial Leaders of the Future

16 Oct

nigerian scam

This woman is never going to come through with the money. The check with the funds was returned to her client, she says. It was money to turn my apartment into a Home Office. Insufficient address. It will be re-sent to me today by UPS or Fedex. The sufficient address was on my resume. The sufficient address was presented clearly in the body of an email. But the check was returned. How long until they ask for my bank account. I give it two days. I know you prefer to be paid by check. But in the interest of time can we send a Western Union money transfer. Can we wire it directly to your account. We will need your routing number, account number, online banking password, and Social Security number. Her English is out of Google Translate. She is in Thailand for eight weeks teaching a seminar. She is a portrait photographer. I am unaware of a market for eight week portrait photography seminars in Thailand, but– what if. She offered me the job. The unemployment claim form says: did you REFUSE any work?

I’m to be her Personal Assistant. Five hundred dollars a week. Handle her correspondence and billing. Receive “mails” on her behalf, to my home. Send “mails” out. I knew it was a scam, in my heart. Because I applied to it off Craigslist. Sent in my massively overqualified resume and succint but detailed cover letter. There was an extensive interview process via email. Essays upon essays like applying for college. I did it all, knowing it was just required to make a scam look real. And I knew it was a scam because she got back to me in the first place.

Rule of thumb. If you apply for a Craigslist job, and the employer contacts you: scam. Career Opportunity in Finance (Pasadena). No compensation listed. You send a resume.  Receive an excited call that day. They sound a little off. We’re offering an opportunity to be a Financial Leader of the Future. There’s a group interview session Monday night at 8. You go. You have to. Did you REFUSE any work? Beige room full of ne’er-do-wells trying to look interested. The one hot chick in the office gives the presentation. Draws a triangle on a squeaky whiteboard. It represents the Three Corners of Financial Stability. Did you know that Baby Boomers are turning 65 at a rate of 11,000 per day. Take advantage of this soaring growth market. Sell the idea of selling life insurance to other unemployed people. I am obligated to tell you: this is not a salaried position. This is not an hourly position. But if you invest in yourself like we will invest in you, there is no reason you can’t make six figures next year. She pulled up in the same ’94 Ford Escort “L” wagon my parents used to have. We only make money if you make money.

If they call you, it’s not a job. There is a two hundred hour training course plus books. Their books that you pay for. After that you’re on a probationary period of ninety days. You will sell insurance policies or talk an elderly person into sinking their 401K into FML Financial Systems’® custom suite of investment products. Then you get a piece. The person who called you gets a piece. The person who called them off the State of California’s unemployment web site where you’re legally required to post your resume gets a piece. And so on. You are encouraged to discuss our products with family and friends.

The real money comes in management. The slightly overweight young professional woman who carries it in the right places has been there for eighteen months, she tells us. Now I’m on the Management Track. I could be in charge of four offices next year. I believe in the Triangle of Financial Security. The triangle is the most stable form in geometry. The best part of my job is helping people. Knowing the security I provide lets people live their dreams.

All I want is to be a fucking secretary. I did it for seven years, for Hollywood assholes who will flay you alive over a misplaced paper clip. I’m a robot at it now. All I want is to do that for eight hours. Go home and write my stupid book. All I want is enough money for rent, gas and chicken.

I want to go to work, pay my taxes, come home and not fucking think about it. I’m not a motivated self starting entrepreneur. I don’t want an opportunity for growth. I don’t need to sound cool to girls. That’s what the book is for. Go to work and get paid and come home. Impossible. Jobs do not exist. The promise of a job is just a way for motivated self starting entrepreneurs to sell you something. The unemployed are a captive market. There is no money. There is only debt. What’s out there is: you pay to work. Soon the whole economy will be like this.

Actually, there are a few real jobs. If you’re looking for a nine to five: move on, their ads tell you. If you’re looking to punch a clock and go home this is not for you. There will be late night calls and emails. Things I need handled YESTERDAY. Loving dogs is a MUST. This is for a “Web Mogul” and “Bestselling Author.” She needs support for “many businesses run out of my home in Malibu.” Interest in Special Diets a plus. So she writes books about gluten. Six Kelp Soups to Cure Cancer. Then she sells you Herbalife. This is one of the “writer/personal assistant” jobs. They put the word “writer” in because a “secretary” won’t pick up dog shit for ten bucks an hour. You write “compelling SEO friendly content” about Special Diets for the Bestselling Author’s web site, between her spaniels’ bowel movements. HUGE opportunity for growth. I apply. How could I not. It combines the only two things I know how to do.

You can tell it’s real by how much it sucks. You can almost feel the warmth of the dog shit bag in your hand. Like holding a scared mouse. This one is real: she didn’t call me back.

I have my Federal Unemployment Extension Eligibility Interview Tuesday. Even if it comes through, I got fucked by the Sequester. They lopped off eighty bucks a week. It’s OK. I don’t want unemployment anymore. I feel like a fuckin leech. Maybe this crazy bitch will come through with the money. I just have to wire ten per cent first. Care of Lieutenant Colonel Cornelius M’Bikwe out of Lagos. If I can get that five hundred bones a week. If I can hold on to my part time real estate gig. Rent, gas and chicken. The American Dream.

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15 Responses to “Financial Leaders of the Future”

  1. agdsagsa@aadsfsad.com October 16, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

    Primerica.

    • Eric October 16, 2013 at 5:34 pm #

      hahah,
      this resonates because i went to their bullshit meetings..and wasted my money on those schmucks

  2. Eric October 16, 2013 at 5:21 pm #

    Give me her number, I’ll call her and threaten her life.

  3. Anonymous October 16, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

    damn.

  4. Anonymous October 16, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

    So when is the book coming out?

  5. Little Miss S October 16, 2013 at 11:29 pm #

    Actually, from what I understand, new extension tiers starting after September 29 won’t be cut…so if you’re, say, about to transition from tier one to tier two, you’ll once again get your entire $450 a week. But yeah, better to not be on it anymore of course.

    • delicioustacos October 17, 2013 at 7:45 am #

      Extension started on September 1st, sadly.

      • Little Miss S October 19, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

        Well, crap :(

  6. Potential Riposte October 17, 2013 at 2:20 am #

    Careful, Tacos. I’ve heard these “re-mailing” things are usually money-laundering schemes. Since the cheque has your fingerprints on it and came from your address, it’s you and not the owner who goes to jail once the police catch on. That’s why these “jobs” exist. Tread carefully.

    Happy to hear you’re still working on your book. I’m looking forward to reading it.

    • delicioustacos October 18, 2013 at 11:38 am #

      Thanks. Turns out it’s a Green Dot Moneypak scam, not a money laundering operation. Going to write it up.

      • delicioustacos October 18, 2013 at 3:12 pm #

        Here’s some more detail for now:

        Hello Tacos,
        How are you and how was your night? I received the details of the assignment and that was perfect. You will receive the funds to purchase the remaining equipment needed to start up today via UPS courier service and this is the tracking number (REDACTED). I ordered a new HP notebook and a 4-1 printer for my assignment and as confirmed from office depot, it will be delivered in three to five days. In regards the funds that was mailed by my client, it  will be  delivered today by UPS courier service to the address provided.You will have to deposit it into your account and proceed with the assignment. Deduct your first week pay ($500) and my budget for the remaining equipment is $200 as I already ordered for a new laptop and the printer. The remaining balance should be used to buy Greendot MoneyPak Card worth of $2150 at Walmart store, Walgreen or Rite aide. I needed it to plan for my next Photo exhibition and Organize our next teachings on Photography coming up in Las Vegas, Nevada. This will be coming up next Thursday but I need to book the event because there are limited space available, which means I have only few days to be used in Phillipines. So i will need you to get the GREENDOT MoneyPak cards and have the pins sent to me as soon as you get it from the store. I will need it to complete the booking from here, kindly understand that you will be buying three cards worth $1000, $1000 and $150 if you are purchasing at Walmart store but other stores have a maximum value of $500 which means you will buy four of that and $150.

        Final note, I want you to get stationery and buy a roll of USPS regular stamp to mail out 50 mails. I will also mail you the Notification message that you will send to the 50 clients. I will be waiting to read back from you as soon as possible. Thanks and waiting to chat with you.

        Talk to you soon,

        (REDACTED)

        N:B – Kindly note that you are buying a Greendot MoneyPak card and not prepaid debit card because some stores mistake it with a debit card. Its a card that may be imprinted or a while card where you will scratch out the silver panel to view the pin

      • Potential Riposte October 19, 2013 at 8:31 am #

        Madness. Stay safe, man.

  7. Aurini October 17, 2013 at 12:22 pm #

    Christ, I’ve been there.

    All of those “Commissioned, scam banking products” company owners are going to be burning in hell.

  8. heartshapedfreckle October 18, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    Delicious tacos you make me feel like its okay to be me.. a broke college drop out on his way to jail for shit he did stoned but still trying ferociously to bang any piece of pussy that comes through my shared house door or through online trials where I get no responses for being ruthless. But the thing about being ruthless is you never gave a fuck anyways to begin with. from the start. its all just a battle inside your head its only out of line when people from the outside try and pry their little fucking heads into what the fuck is going on inside of yours that there is any friction. God bless one world government the ever decaying american dream and the little fucking penises people in power threaten to fuck us with.

  9. Anonymous October 23, 2013 at 4:28 pm #

    Just be a secretary. Like Swimming with Sharks.

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