OKCupid: Girls with no pictures part 2: the trollening

25 Jan

I am being successfully trolled by a fake OKCupid account purporting to be a 21 year old local woman.  I am aware that I am being trolled; that somewhere on my beloved Reddit or 4chan or some other message board a neckbeard in Saskatchewan is eagerly awaiting my showing up at some place with a security camera that he’s hacked into, ready to photoshop my face into foreveralone.jpg.  Or it’s Chris Hansen.  The girl is going to casually drop at some point in the conversation—a 15 email thread by now, which I would never tolerate except this troll is just so god damn motherfucking masterful—she is going to casually drop that she is actually 17 years old but her parents are gone for a long weekend now that Tahoe finally has snow and would I like to come over and bring a nice bottle of wine; her tastes are surprisingly sophisticated for such a young girl… I’m going to go and be told “have a seat” and after tearfully insisting that I was just there to warn her I’ll be told that I’m free to go only to be unceremoniously tackled to the sprinkler-muddy turf by a Whittier police sergeant built like Butterbean.  They won’t have to ask me “if you’re here to warn her, why did you bring condoms?” Because of course I won’t be bringing fucking condoms.  Fucking a 17 year old with a condom would be like looking at the Sistine Chapel through glass security block.

Or I’ll be murdered, or my credit card will be stolen, or my passport, or whatever.  Though there is a certain comfort in being broke, knowing that you really have nothing to steal.  And in being a sad unmarried loner.  Because even if I were married, I would still try to set up a sexual liaison with this fake hot 21 year old girl, and in that version she could blackmail me by threatening to tell my wife, etc. There is a certain comfort in having nothing, knowing that outside of throwing me in jail or harvesting my organs, there is very little this person could do to harm me.  When you have successfully fucked up your life like I have you are well nigh invulnerable.

Still.  A person saw my long post about girls with no photograph, how it NEVER works out and you should NEVER email with that person, and she, having no photograph, successfully emailed me and got me to reply, and further baited me into asking for the photograph, which appears to in fact be an attractive 21 year old woman, does not match anything on Tineye, and might as well have been reverse engineered to appear maximally enticing and yet plausible to horny, lonely, aging dudes.  I’m not talking about some stock photo off Ukrainianbrides.com with a chick washing a car in a bikini, it’s just a normal shot of a wholesomely-hot classically beautiful type chick taken with a webcam in a marginally revealing outfit that shows that she has nice tits.

I cannot resist this.  For the same reason that Michael Vick’s dogs should not be adopted into homes with children, I should not be allowed to interact with women on the internet.  In fact both of us should probably be summarily put down.  You try to be civilized and to act rationally but there’s just that instinct, bred into you, and then beaten into you, and then the baby drops a toy or you see a nice pair of tits and suddenly it’s just a flash of black and you come to with something warm in your mouth and the room is splattered with baby guts.  If there is a chance at attractive young pussy you have to go after it, no matter how absurd the whole situation is. The iron strength of the god damned human spirit is too strong and the audacity of hope is too great and the fucking retardedness of optimism is too immutable. Some awful primitive part of your brain just has to go along with it and see what happens. Hey!  Maybe you’ll get laid!

I can’t believe civilization was built by men. I can’t believe wars were fought and nations conquered and science was advanced and literature was… literatured and etc.  I get the idea that guys were doing this to be in a position to get the most pussy but on the day-to-day level the getting of pussy is so god damned distracting, it’s a monomania—how could any man in history ever not stop whatever he was doing, put down the whip that he was cracking the slaves with to get them to build the pyramids—how could he not immediately put that down and let the slaves run free if there was even a one in a million chance at pussy out of the corner of his eye. Civilization must have been secretly built by the gays, who can just fuck and get it over with.

Anyway, I’m gonna keep talking to this chick and be robbed or embarrassed somehow.  Stay tuned.

5 Responses to “OKCupid: Girls with no pictures part 2: the trollening”

  1. broduh jenner January 25, 2012 at 7:59 pm #


  2. broduh jenner January 26, 2012 at 11:38 am #

    i dont think you can handle online dating.

  3. JazzWhispers June 13, 2012 at 8:02 am #

    Dying laughing because out of all of the random shit you happen to write, you throw in Saskatchewan. Saskatchewan for the win.

  4. Sooz marooz July 30, 2014 at 12:17 am #

    You… Need to not interact with women. You’re right. Holy shit no wonder you have to resort to online dating.

  5. Dome Beers June 5, 2018 at 2:55 pm #

    What Happened???

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