Premature Ejaculation

Michel Houellebecq once said “there are two stages in a mans’ life: the first when he comes too fast, and the second when he can’t get hard anymore.”

This is close to the truth, but the reality is more like you are constantly in one or the other stage at all phases in your life. I am thirty five and a half years old and I STILL feel like I’m going to blow the second I get in the pussy.  Or I’m too drunk and I can’t get wood at all; you have to come out and tell the chick she has to suck you off to get you hard and this is not a proposition that your average first date off OKCupid smiles on, you know.  Sucking off some drunk’s musty whiskey dick.  Really the only way you’re going to get laid on the first date, unless you really have a live one on your hands, is to masterfully eat her pussy for a good five minutes and then just vault up on top of her and put your dick in smoothly. Any break in the action is going to kill it.

I used to look forward to my old age when I would put my dick in a girl and give her a good finesse-ful fucking for the exact right amount of time for her to cum, and me to cum shortly thereafter or simultaneously.  I knew in my youth that there was an age when you couldn’t get wood or get off anymore, and that as a young man it was natural to have to concentrate really fucking hard on pictures of hideous mutilated corpses to not pop off, or to pin down the girl’s hips to keep her from moving because even the slightest suggestion of a shimmy from her would make me cum.  But I figured that somewhere, between these two extremes, I would hit a sweet spot where I could still get a boner but simply being inside a pussy for a half second wouldn’t make it puke.  I figured that time would be right about now. But no.

Or actually, there is a sweet spot, but it’s a sweet spot in terms of your relationship with the girl.  When I am fucking a girl for the first time, I am excited by seeing a new naked body, tasting a new pussy– and when you fuck a girl for the first time you have had to do so much foreplay to even get there that your jizz is at three thousand atmospheric pressures, you know. I always end up warning them that I’m gonna cum too fast, stopping them from moving for thirty seconds while I’m holding my breath, pulling my dick out suddenly and hoping that the sensation of merely pulling out of the pussy isn’t enough to make me cum.  That I won’t have to vainly try to clench in a pleasureless orgasm with my fist.  So that’s the first time.  Maybe the second time.

But like, the third through eighth time you have sex with a girl, you are used to the idea of fucking her a little but it’s still novel enough that you really want to.  You know her physical being well enough, her smells, etc., that you can have holodeck-like jack sessions where every detail is perfect.  And when you fuck her, you are still excited, but you have calmed down enough that you can actually try to get off; you can accelerate rather than decelerate your own pleasure.  You can actually enjoy yourself.

After that, it becomes a relationship, and you don’t give a shit about fucking her anymore.  You fuck her as a favor.  It takes you so long to get off that you wish you could fake it.  Your dick gets about 80 per cent hard and flops around in the pussy, and she doesn’t get excited and doesn’t tighten up, and so you get even less hard, and she gets even more floppy, and who gives a shit.  In relationships, I will look for any excuse not to fuck. Because after a certain amount of time a girl feels unclean to me, in the kosher sense.  She feels haram.  She is not meant to be fucked– only new pussy is meant to be fucked.  This is with every girl I’ve ever dated, except my very first girlfriend, whom I loved desperately, and who broke my heart.  Either she ruined me, or it’s like this for everybody.

But in your youth you think you’re going to get to the point in age and expertise where it’s always like that third through eighth time, and you never do.  You can get to the point where you can get through that first wave of i’m-gonna-cum-too-fast, but this just leaves you on this long plateau of able to keep a boner but no crescendo in sensation.  If you can stem yourself from cumming too fast at first, you end up in this forty five minute fuck marathon where you have to resort to porn positions and jackhammering to get enough feeling to bust.  It becomes rote and mechanical.  What you want is for you both to be building to something together, and you just— you have five times to do that. Otherwise you can’t.

I wonder why i care so much about lasting past thirty seconds with one night stands.  I wonder why — it’s not that I picture them snickering about me and mocking me, you know. I don’t give a shit what they think of me. It really is wanting to give them a good fuck.  Unfortunately, it’s god damn impossible.