I canceled my drinks with (REDACTED). Even though I like (REDACTED) and would totally enjoy hanging out with her. She is– she took me to a museum once. She is really smart. She knows a lot about art and literature and stuff. And I think she kind of had the hots for me. See, why couldn’t I date someone like that? A chick who went to Harvard and has her shit together and knows who fucking Albrecht Dürer is and can distinguish between different phases of his career. Who knows who Lucas Cranach the Elder is. Someone who has a finely tuned taste for the works of various Northern Renaissance engravers, is what I need. Someone who can tell apart multiple different interpretations of works by Claude Debussy. Who can hear the orchestral version of some Claude Debussy shit and know that it was orchestrated by Maurice Ravel, or whoeverthefuck. Who legitimately enjoys these things. Someone who knows about plants and animals. Hummingbirds. Insects.
But I also need someone who who grew up in a trailer getting molested and yet still thinks child molestation jokes are funny. Someone whose sister once blew a guy for Insane Clown Posse tickets. Someone who has family members in jail. Who has cousins that are fundamentalist Christians who hate gays and post caricatures of Obama on facebook. Who has relatives that listen to Rush Limbaugh. Someone who has been on food stamps. But also is interested in Claude Debussy. Who can get really excited about Rachmaninoff’s weird but perfect interpretations of Bach, how much more alive they are… but also someone who is familiar with the works of Kenny Rogers.
And it would help if it were someone who has absolutely perfect bone structure– the face of a six year old white child– and is not too fat. Although, by “too fat,” you know, my definition is surprisingly lenient. But someone who enjoys playing Dungeons and Dragons. Someone who has done heroin, but never shot it up. Someone who has smoked crack. But is not too old. Not over 25 preferably. Someone who doesn’t expect me to have money.
I need an extremely good looking chick ten years younger than me who is as smart and knowledgeable as someone who was raised by eccentric Swarthmore professors with old money who drive a maroon Volvo 240 “brick” with a ski rack on top and a Choate Rosemary Hall sticker across the back windshield, but who fucks on the first date like her dad is a welder with blurry tattoos who can easily put down a 24 pack of Schlitz. If she even knows who her dad is. Surprisingly, this is really, really hard to find.