Dick Extender

I totally get why women get ridiculously huge breast implants. Because if such a thing existed for your dick I would get one immediately and it would be huge.  A cartoon.  It would be the dick some girls talk about when they are transparently trying to console you about the fact that your dick is not huge, the “you know, I don’t really even like huge dicks.  Sometimes it’s just not even comfortable.” I would get that dick.  Because she would talk about it.  She would say to her girlfriends “you know, Jesus, it’s just too big; I don’t even want to fuck him sometimes because it hurts.”  And the girl she was telling- it’s not like I picture her immediately wanting to fuck me, but maybe she would just want to see it. She would just be curious.

But the best you can do is something like this.  Apparently if you hang those weights off your dick, or whatever this device does- basically this study found that certain kinds of mechanical penis enlargement actually work.  They will extend your flaccid penis by a tiny but non-negligible amount after using the device for six hours per day for like six months.

And it goes on to point out that you are not actually adding any inches to your erect penis. And you are not adding any actual girth, just a hairsbreadth of length.  Still.  Still, I would do it.  Obviously it would be preferable if it were adding a huge amount of meaty pussycrushing girth to your erect cock, but I would take the extra three millimeters of flaccid length. Because why not.  I mean, I am never embarrassed by the size of my boner, which is quite reasonable, but I am frequently embarrassed by the laughable dimensions of my flaccid cock whenever any kind of dick-shrinking force is applied: e.g. the air drops slightly below room temperature; I take any kind of recreational drugs, etc.

Most times in life that people actually see your dick, it will be at its smallest.  How many people are going to see you walking around with a full erection in your lifetime?  Maybe two hundred, if you are at the very outlying end of the bell curve of master cocksmen.  How many people are going to see you getting out of a cold pool in thin trunks?  Thousands. When’s the last time you were naked with a group when you had not taken cocaine or acid or ecstasy or some other turn-your-dick-into-a-grape type substance? Never. I would take the extra three millimeters of flaccid length just to guarantee that my dick would never turn into an acorn head in front of a crowd again.

And you do, as a guy, actually go through the majority of your life thinking your normal dick is tiny, because you do get your idea of average dick size from porn. Or from locker rooms, where the dudes who walk around with their dicks swinging out are the ones hung like yaks, and the guys with small, or even average sized dicks, are quietly fumbling to slip on their boxers as fast as fucking possible, almost humping the wall of lockers to shut off the line of sight to what they think is their shamefully puny dick.

And my concept of dick size is still skewed.  I mean, the average fully erect dick length is like five and one quarter inches, or five and three quarter inches or something. Does this not seem small to you? Like the average IQ being one hundred- can you imagine half the people in the world being stupider than the average human being*?  Can you imagine half the men in the world having a dick shorter than five and one quarter inches? And I’m told that one in one hundred men has a dick seven inches or greater in length, which means the standard deviation is something like an inch.  Which in turn means one in one hundred men have a dick that is three inches or smaller.

This is the thumb dick you hear about, when you have a standard-issue white person’s penis which a girl, God bless her, is trying to assure you is adequate. This one guy, it was literally the size of a pinky! It’s never something they’ve seen more than once; it’s always just this one guy. Every girl on the entire planet has dated exactly one man with clinical micropenis, who had just a child’s thumb barely poking out of a thatch of pubic hair like an earthworm emerging from the soil after a few drops of rain.  Like a tiny baby opossum blindly crawling to its mother’s pouch, slimy and naked and petal-pink.

*I think I stole this line from a comedian.