People Who Use Condoms:

2 Aug

How do you deal with the fact that your sex is so terrible?  Seriously.  Don’t deny it either.  Don’t describe the difference as a slight diminishment of pleasure offset by a vast boost to one’s sense of well being or whateverthefuck.  It is a near-total diminishment of pleasure.  It is fucking in name only.  It’s the difference between gorging on a sumptuous feast and getting your nutrients from an IV.

I’m scared of STD’s too.  Or wait, no, I am not at all scared of STD’s.  But I’m not scared of STD’s the way the guy who regularly drives on 12 beers is not scared of DUI’s.  I’m over-cocky. The first time I rawdogged I was of course convinced I had Herpes and AIDS and my sperm containing precum seed had created a swarm of demonic retards in the belly of a woman whom I never wished to speak to again.  The second time felt a bit less like this, the third time even less… and now, on the ten thousandth time– I feel absolutely no concern whatsoever; I’m certain that fully unprotected sex will have absolutely zero consequences.  Since I pull out, which is as effective as condoms.  But when you get complacent, that’s when they pop you.

Maybe I should be scared. Maybe a little fear is reasonable, but… when you’ve been paralyzed by fear of something, and then it doesn’t happen, you are inured to fearing that thing again. Just like they tell you pot is a gateway drug and drugs in general are gonna fry your brain like an egg and make you dive into an empty pool and when I grow up I want to be a track star (cut to footage of a dude running down an old lady like a lion jumping a wildebeest and jacking her purse)… $15 for sex isn’t normal, but it is on meth…. then you actually smoke pot and all that happens is suddenly Steve Miller music actually sounds kind of good and strawberry ice cream tastes amazing.  No satanic hallucinations or freakout heart attacks, no planes dropping out of the sky from bombs funded by the dime bag money that went to terrorist cartels… you just had a kickass couple hours and are looked at as less of a loser by your peers.  Same shit happens with LSD, with cocaine, with heroin… it becomes so painfully obvious that anti drug propaganda is absolutist fearmongering bullshit conceived by horrible unlaid squares no one would ever want to hang out with, that any anti drug message, anything that agrees with these dickless Mormons even tangentially, must also be bullshit. Doing heroin three times a week can’t be that bad, if these fucking jerkoffs are against it.

Same deal with sex ed.  With STD’s.  You know, they shouldn’t even tell straight boys that there is such a thing as AIDS.  Or awareness of it should be as widespread as awareness of Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva.  You tell a kid who just wants to fuck about AIDS and it gets bundled up in all the other ways he feels his sexuality is wrong.  It’s God’s punishment for fucking.  He’ll spend wasted years not fucking or having pleasureless robot sex with condoms and tearing his hair out at night, still convinced he has AIDS.  You cannot get AIDS from putting your dick in a pussy.  Or you can, but the odds are roughly the same as being gored by a walrus. Telling straight boys to be wary of AIDS is like mandating that every home have a fire alarm that is just constantly going off no matter what.

And on and on with all the other STD’s.  I have such a reaction to STD panic bullshit that I’m admittedly an extremist on the other side.  I basically believe virtually no heterosexual person or Lesbian ever gets STD’s, or at least, no one like me.  I believe that it’s all a scam put forth by confused and hurt individuals in that weird spot on the political circle where far left severely molested feminists meet far right closeted gay boyfucking preachers; broken dogmatic weirdos with such a burning hatred for male sexuality that they want to eradicate the pleasure in it that they fear and envy.  I rawdog strangers constantly because I think these people are so full of shit that nothing they say can ever be even 1 per cent true.

What is the ratio of people you know who have STD’s to people you know who have texted you panicked that they thought they had an STD.  1 to 100? 1 to 1,000?

Anyway, here’s what I think of STD’s:

  • AIDS/ HIV: huge in the gay comunity. Shigellosis also happens in the gay community: in the gay community and rural Uganda where they drink from the sewer, and those are the only two places.  It’s because they put their bloody dicks in unclean shitpipes.  Weird Third World parasites happen in the gay community.  AIDS is huge in the gay community because there is more dialogue in gay porn than gay guys actually have before they fuck. They fuck hundreds and hundreds of dudes and the manner of fucking is to brutally jam their lacerated and open sore covered cock in a bloody shitty unlubed asshole.  And that’s OK– there should be no moral judgment about this, because indiscriminate sex is what all men wish they could do. Gay men are just being men.  But when your world is just a giant NSA fuck playground and everyone’s cut up and bloody, of course you are going to get AIDS.  Also huge in Africa, which: I think tons of Africans are just closetedly fucking dudes in the ass. Like the Taliban.  Any wildly homophobic culture, the second the lights go out, it is a man on man buttfuck fest. But these guys are all on the downlow so they then have to go fuck women too, and give them the AIDS.
  • Herpes: Herpes is something you get once, most of the time, and then it goes away and never comes back.  And we all have the Herpes virus and cold sores are herpes and etc., but… I’m talking real dick Herpes.  You get it once and it goes away.  I’m a hypocrite here because I have not fucked people when they told me they had Herpes, but if I got it I wouldn’t panic.  I would just get into some kind of Herpes scene where everybody fucks constantly.  Probably a lot of fun.  Also, condoms don’t prevent it, so– another argument just to rawdog.
  • HPV: a ghost STD where they tell you some huge per cent of the population has it but shows no symptoms, and it’s just lurking in your genitals forever waiting to give you cancer.  Cervical cancer is a problem in India apparently.  Not here.  HPV gives you cancer one one millionth of the time, otherwise it just goes away.  It shows up, it does nothing, and then it just goes away.  Completely.  Forever. Condoms don’t stop it. Everyone has it.  It has no symptoms, you can’t test for it, and it goes away on its own.  Great.  Sign me up.
  • Bacterial STD’s: obviously you can just take antibiotics.  Get the fuck out of here with this shit, it’s like trying to scare me with an ear infection.
  • Syphilis: gives you a huge unmistakeable chancre when it shows up that makes it impossible to misdiagnose.  Also cured by antibiotics. The only way an STD could be more polite is if it mailed you an engraved card telling you you had Syphilis and exactly what to do about it.
  • Hepatitis C: feels like another gay one to me. Or needle junkie stuff.  They should figure out how to cure it but for Christ’s sake, this feels like a Johnny Come Lately that saw a bandwagon already overcrowded with bullshit STD’s and said “me too.”  No one you know has Hepatitis C.

Point being, none of this stuff even gets a tenth of the way toward condom sex being worth it. Remember the last time you rawdogged?  How it was the best feeling in the world. The closest you’ve ever been to heaven. A deep visceral affirmation of your purpose in the universe.  Then remember how you had the cold sweats about getting AIDS for a minute, but then it didn’t happen?  Because it never, ever happens?  Remember how you were actually good at fucking because you could feel the inside of the pussy, unlike when you fucked with a condom and you felt maybe a vague squeezing and some difference between hot and cold but generally your cock was like a numb stick and you were blindly grinding away like a dumb fourteen year old busting his cherry and you could tell the woman had total contempt for your fucking skills?  Remember that?

Anyway.  Fuck condoms. Everyone knows they fucking suck; anyone who says they don’t mind using them is lying.  And if you are in a relationship and using condoms, you need to beat your girlfriend.

21 Responses to “People Who Use Condoms:”

  1. Fenring August 2, 2012 at 10:21 pm #

    A bit of a self-justifiying rant to help calm the inner turmoil of not jimmying up. You do realize that it just takes a single episode to skew those current perspective forever, right?

  2. Anonymous August 3, 2012 at 1:49 am #

    Actually, I do know a lot of people with std’s, including one heterosexual girl with hiv. And I know a lot of people with hep c, though they are or were at some point drug addicts. Also, you could be having sex with women who’ve had unprotected sex with bisexual men, so you can’t exactly be sure you’re completely unexposed to gay man sex either.

  3. Cathy August 3, 2012 at 5:13 am #

    “only polesmokers and Africans get aids” – tim, 2004

    “straight people don’t get aids. The only people who get that shit are powerbottoms who take it raw and rough and bloody” – Alberto, 2004

  4. alightreading August 3, 2012 at 6:00 am #

    What about that STD that lasts 18 years and turns you into a wage slave? Not common that girls actively try to have your kid without your consent but it does happen and it only takes one crazy girl to fuck your life up.

    That said – yep, the argument for condom use because of STDs is ridiculous. The risks are either negligible or the infection is easily treatable.

  5. Jake August 3, 2012 at 7:17 am #

    What’s a condoms?

  6. Jake August 4, 2012 at 2:48 am #

    Dear delicious tacos,

    I’m a stupid pussy without a single original thought. When you say something funny, i have to think and think about hiw to respond because i want to impress you
    Can I suck yo dick?

  7. UnleashTheBeef August 5, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

    Intercourse with a condom is not a sexual act. It falls between hugging and cheek kissing on the intimacy chart.

  8. pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 6, 2012 at 4:48 am #

    – I had HPV years ago with visible symptoms: two warts, each about the size of a match head on my nutsack that popped up and went away within a week. I guess my system cleared it after that. I didn’t even know I had it until the girl I was with at the time went to the doctor to get some tests done, then called me afterwards interrogating me and kind of vaguely accusing me of giving it to her. The thing was, we had broken up for a month or two and I hadn’t been with any other girls, so it kind of backfired on her. I never trusted her after that.

    -Hep C is no joke. It takes a long time but it will completely destroy your liver. One of my ex’s fathers died from Cirrhosis of the liver from Hep C that he got from sharing needles in his early twenties. I know a lot of other addicts/recovering addicts who have it, too, but I think it’s pretty hard to get from fucking, I think it’s strictly spread blood to mucous membrane or blood to blood.

    -I have never got any other STDs and I fucked a couple nasty chicks, actively using heroin addicts, etc. I got a blowjob from a $7 crackwhore on Kensington Ave. one time, I was sure I was gonna get some shit from that, but no, nothing.

    -Glad the shigellosis anecdote could be of some use. But, c’mon, “jam their lacerated and open sore covered cock in a bloody shitty unlubed asshole”? A little dramatic. haha

    • R. Lee August 7, 2012 at 12:34 am #

      “- I had HPV years ago with visible symptoms: two warts, each about the size of a match head on my nutsack that popped up and went away within a week. I guess my system cleared it after that”

      Wait.

      Is that a symptom of HPV?? What if you only had one that popped up and went away in less than a week by itself?

      Hrm. If the answer is, “yes, that’s still HPV,” then I got HPV like 10 years ago in 588, the red-light district of Seoul, after I went bareback on one of those girls in the glass window rooms. Whoops. I didn’t even ask to go bareback. That’s just how she did it with her customers, I guess.

      But I haven’t even noticed any supposed HPV in the decade since. No warts, no other symptoms, nothing. Maybe it went away from antibiotics during one of the instances I had the flu or a cold in the time since. It clearly hasn’t affected my ability to impregnate anyone, so whatever. HPV isn’t even a real STD, anyway, at least for a guy.

      So who cares.

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn August 18, 2012 at 6:29 am #

      In case you’re wondering what a $7 crackwhore on Kensington Ave. looks like, I just came across this blog this morning:

      http://kensingtonblues.com/

  9. Anonymous August 6, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    ” Or you can, but the odds are roughly the same as being gored by a walrus.”

    Funniest turn around I’ve read in I-don’t-know-when.

  10. Gmac ♂ (@GmacGame) August 8, 2012 at 6:31 pm #

    Raw dog forever. I’m a pull out pro.

  11. Anonymous August 9, 2012 at 8:51 am #

    I am a woman, and I am in a relationship. My boyfriend doesn’t want to rawdog me. What’s the deal here?

    • mr. man August 14, 2012 at 1:35 am #

      Gotta guess herpes. At least he’s trying to protect you!

      • Anonymous August 17, 2012 at 10:51 pm #

        No, it’s not herpes, it’s something else. I mean we have had unprotected sex, like maybe 3 times. The other 297 times he’s used a condom. So it’s not herpes. WHAT IS IT???

  12. Constance Kent August 9, 2012 at 6:23 pm #

    Eventually, unprotected sex with multiple sex will give you genital herpes. It’s just statistical probability. Is herpes the worst thing in the world? For some lucky people, no — one or two outbreaks, and then they can (almost) forget about it. For some unlucky people, it’s a chronic source of misery. And yes, condoms are not 100% protection, since it’s transmitted via muous membranes, but they’re a lot better than nothing.

    And I have to agree with the poster who warns about crazy girls who desperately want to get pregnant. A woman in the grips of “baby fever” is completely untrustworthy, and will act without conscious to achieve her aim. Trust my female perspective on this one: there are a scary number of those girls around. (And that’s not the kind of “future wife” anyone deserves.)

    • Constance Kent August 9, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

      Pardon my typos. That should read “multiple partners” and “conscience.” Time for my second martini now!

  13. loveyou May 4, 2014 at 8:09 am #

    Greatest post on STD’s and condoms on the whole internet. Had condomless sex with a few tens of men, including sex for money, sex with complete strangers, and a few condomless gang bangs, including a drugged infused four some with three handsome druggies who even came inside of me. No std, except once when I was 14 years old and had a few weird harmless warts that went away in two weeks or so. I dislike it when the guy wants to wear a condom, it makes me feel like he views me as a disease ridden disgusting slut, wich as a matter the fac I am, except the diseased ridden part.

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  15. flightofthefucks October 8, 2014 at 1:08 am #

    Just came back from a full-blown Thailand sex romp. 30 days and as many women. Very cavalier usage of condoms. Got back, went to doctor, pissed in a cup. Got a call this morning: no harm done.

    Fuck rubbers.

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    […] see a therapist. This is just sad and pathetic. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if you had multiple diseases. It’s really sad that the only enjoyment you have in your life is using teenagers and […]

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