El Chuco

29 Mar


I was supposed to go to Mexico with my buddy El Chuco. Go to Tijuana and fuck some whores, drink, do some drugs. Look at little kids selling chicle, goats on ropes, whateverthefuck. Local color. The girls at the whorehouses are all leathery but the streetwalkers, you luck out once in a while. Stumble into someone who is only beginning a long journey of human agony. Pay her twenty bucks for a throw. Her timidity with your dick makes you feel bad but the boner is a monster that has to be fed.

But he got into some legal trouble. I don’t know what, yet, except it’s a restraining order and he’s gotta get rid of seven grand worth of guns. Going to transfer them into my name and I’ll have to sell them. I hope someone tries to rob me when they’re in my house.

Last time he got a restraining order it was from this chick Mandy. They had an S&M relationship, were into swinging. They’d go to big parties full of sweaty old people and he’d swap her ass around. She liked to get choked; she liked to get hit. I’d walk in on her sucking his dick and she’d be complaining that she wasn’t into it because he wasn’t punching her hard enough. They had sex swings, those weird fake whips, all that shit.

But they got in a fight and she freaked out and called the cops. Which was a problem, because, her father is the sheriff of (REDACTED) County. They came and dragged his ass to jail. He’d done time already for stabbing a guy, had a record. They had evidence because she had bruises on her thighs and ass. She said he beat her. Well yeah, she demanded to get beaten across the thighs and ass and he complied. She was what they call a smart ass masochist. A person who has to taunt someone into hitting them to get off. By the way, what are the odds that she liked to get hit because the Sheriff of (REDACTED) County punched her after he made her suck him off? If it were a horse, I wouldn’t bet against it.

They put him in the Norteño tank. This was up in Northern California. He was a Sureño from (REDACTED) County, had tattoos. The Norteños and Sureños are two Mexican gangs that hate each other. All the big cartel wars, all the prison slayings and American Me broken bottle rapes– all this shit springs out of a decades old hate between the gang behind the Norteños and the gang behind the Sureños. So, he had a tattoo saying he was from a group that the fifteen other guys he was cheek to jowl with in his “dorm” were sworn to kill or die trying. Great. This is what happens when you spank the daughter of the Sheriff of (REDACTED) County. He could have taken three of them out before they got him, probably. He’s a tough bastard.

But nothing happened, so they moved him to another dorm. “Thunderdorm.” They called it that because two men enter, one man leave. His cellie there was a meth head who’d been arrested after home invading a couple at knifepoint, naked. Instead of raping the man’s wife, he stole his wedding tuxedo, and went on a rampage, barefoot, in a tuxedo but with his dick hanging out, stealing cars and holding up gas stations and hit-and-running people and they finally popped him in the woods humping a pine tree. The Sheriff must have figured this guy would go nuts and attack El Chuco but he was detoxing off meth and pretty meek. Nice guy, actually, was the verdict. Steve.

What can I say. El Chuco is the sweetest guy in the world; he would walk in front of a train for a bro. But he’s just a passionate man. Maxes out credit cards going all over the world fucking hookers. We’d be driving a long and someone would flip him off and he’d pull an e-brake 180 to chase him down. He had stories about girls who could only get off getting fucked in a car that was being stolen. Jesus, all kinds of crazy shit.

I had to go get his hard drive before they searched his house. He had all kinds of IM conversations with other S & M types that could be misinterpreted as nonconsensual violence. Had to take his pellet gun with scope and his set of ornamental katanas. He would call from prison– some of you will know the “you are receiving a call from a CALIFORNIA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY” preamble, but he would always choose to play it in Vietnamese. So you’d get this crackly call that said “Nguyen dang nong phoc CALIFORNIA CORRECTIONAL FACILITY.” He stayed in good spirits. Had a plan. If he had to go to jail he’d serve his time and become a trustee. He was an old hand; knew how to react when the first black guy demanded his shoes. Play dominos for a couple years. Read some Stephen King.

Wonder what the beef is now. I’m sure he did some crazy shit but I’m sure he did it to some crazy bitch who can only cum from having crazy shit done to her. Don’t stick your dick in crazy, they say, but then you all better get real used to jerkin off because they’re all fuckin crazy. At least, the ones who are worth your time. Have you ever fucked a sane woman? It’s like a slightly warmer RealDoll. No thanks.

Anyway, no whores for me. Hit me up if you need seven grand worth of guns. Serial numbers clean.

8 Responses to “El Chuco”

  1. TempestTcup March 30, 2013 at 11:40 am #

    I’ll take the Street Sweeper!

  2. B March 30, 2013 at 8:09 pm #

    We are now in a place where gangsters learn how to act like a gangster from gangster movies and women learn how to fuck from pornos. A positive feedback loop.

    I wouldn’t buy any of your friend’s guns-doubt the serials are clean. Would recommend going to a gun show to sell them.

    Finally, I have yet to fuck a whore that wasn’t completely disappointing. If there’s anything more disappointing than jerking off, whores are it.

  3. jakebishop244 March 30, 2013 at 9:17 pm #

    Silk road. Or is that just for drugs now?

  4. Bill Powell April 1, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

    Hit me up, billpowell71@gmail.com. I should be able to take them off your hands and get them shipped legally.

  5. I read The Stand in like four days while I was locked up once, no joke. I read for around three hours a day at least. I don’t how it is where El Chuco is, but most county jails you can get any and as many books as you want, you just have to have someone go to the bookstore and have them mail them directly to the jail. I’d call my ex up and give her a list to take to Barnes and Noble, a week later I’d have a stack of books in my cell.


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