31 Mar


I’ve been playing a video game called Oblivion. It’s the predecessor to Skyrim– you wear armor and cast spells and fight skeletons in caves and shit. The point of these games is they are “sandboxes,” meaning: there’s a story to the game, but you don’t have to follow it. You can wander around the wilderness picking flowers and just chatting with the townsfolk if you want. It’s liberating, or it’s supposed to be– most video games constrain you to solving puzzles to get to the next cutscene. Nothing has changed since 8 bit Nintendo. Not so with this shit– you can be whoever you want, do whatever you want.

Except I’d get drunk and start obsessing over my stats. Whether I’d built my character wrong. What the fuck was I thinking not taking any kind of weapons skill– you knew the spells were soft and you only have fire spells and of course every motherfucking creature you encounter is resistant to fire. Should I go back ten hours of play and load an old save. Rebuild. What if I level up wrong and my character is gimped for the whole rest of the fucking game. Should I give the magic book Fingers of the Mountain to Teekeeus, the Argonian master of the Chorrol mages guild, or to his bitchy Elven rival Earana? Better look on the internet and spoil the quest to find out. Which one gives you a better reward.

The whole game is made so you can avoid that kind of shit. Just play whatever you think your character would do. Earana seems like a cunt; Teekeeus seems like a nice guy. Why not give it to him. But it turns out she gives you a better spell. An ice spell. Those fire resistant demons could suck it. I was having no fun whatsoever. Wasting time in order to be miserable. There is a difficulty slider. You can just switch it to “easy.” Same game, but shit stops killing you so fast. But that would have wounded my pride.


If there’s an X checked off on your biweekly unemployment form, you have to give them 10 places you applied for a job. There’s never an X.

But Nikol scared me. Told me she would get an X on every one, and it was only a matter of time before that started happening to me too. Fuck, I better apply for some fake jobs. I don’t want to work. Not yet. But I better cover my ass.

So I got on craigslist and started looking for shit. And a funny thing happened. I had no intention of working at any of these jobs, ever. But I started filtering them out anyway. That one, not enough pay. That one, commute’s too long. That one requires three years experience working with a Board Certified Dentist. Dude, who gives a shit. You just need the name of the firm so some state clerk who could not give less of a fuck can rubber stamp your meager check. But still. I kept looking until I found ten jobs that are close to my place, or at least against traffic, and for which I am so supremely motherfucking qualified that these people would be idiots not to hire me.

Secretarial shit. I was a glorified secretary in Hollywood for 8 years. You have no idea the strains and pressures that come along with that gig. Everything has to be perfect, from the color coordination of the Post-its in the supply closet to cajoling some nutty director over stars falling off a project– outside of the White House, there is no “admin” gig on Earth where the stakes are as high. I was applying for gigs at bullshit companies. Little finance places, construction places. Personal Assistant to a guy whose one man company installs solar panels out of Van Nuys. I tailored my resume. Customized my cover letter. The professional version of look, I’m the god damn He Man of secretaries and further I have X customized experience in your company’s field. By what miracle is such a nineteen inch dick of candidates available. Set the rest of the resume pile on fire.

I couldn’t just send out ten resumes to ten random bullshit jobs and call it a day. I had to optimize my build and really try. I could have sent them a resume in crayon and a drawing of my dick and they still should have hired me. But it was the Stanford Prison Experiment, and my role was “Job Seeker,” and god damn if I’m not gonna be the best Job Seeker on the face of the motherfucking planet.

I didn’t get a single response. That kind of shit, they’re only gonna hire a chick.

10 Responses to “Funemployment”

  1. Dr. Illusion March 31, 2013 at 12:10 pm #

    I drew unemployment for 6 months as a vacation and never had to put in a single application. They don’t give a shit. They want you to take their money and vote democrat.

  2. Emily March 31, 2013 at 6:52 pm #

    Look, Teekeeus was a nice guy. You made a sound choice. Sure, people get rewarded all the time for doing what the cunt and/or asshole demand of them–but that doesn’t mean you should. I mean give yourself a break man. No need to throw the controller across the room in a fit of frustrated panic. You’re a pretty righteous game player.

  3. vsoze March 31, 2013 at 8:13 pm #

    Been collecting unemployment for 3 months, never been asked to prove job search. I’ve actually applied to, like, close to 100 jobs. Been keeping a record of them all too, just in case.

  4. Little Miss S March 31, 2013 at 11:10 pm #

    There won’t be an X until you get on the federal extensions after your 26 week state extensions are finished. Then you’ll get an X on every form. But if you web-cert, you don’t have to fill outbtheform, just keep the list of places you supposedly applied to in case they audit you, and they do audit, it happened to me. It’s no biggie though, I just had to send in two weeks’ worth of job searches (which I totally faked).

    • Little Miss S March 31, 2013 at 11:11 pm #

      *fill out the form (stuck keyboard)

    • Little Miss S March 31, 2013 at 11:12 pm #

      Whoops, didn’t mean to say state “extensions”, state are the initial 26 week benefits. Then come fed extensions.

  5. Cakes and Shakes... April 1, 2013 at 8:36 am #

    Ugh, due to the exact same thing, I have an interview for a job tomorrow morning that I do not want. I figure though that it will sharpen my rusty interview skills and I might get to meet a few weird people which is always fun. The guy sounded like an ass on the phone.

    My tactic is to send applications to jobs whose profile I do not exactly fit – or I misspell something on a CV for an editing job, that kind of thing. “Me no spell so good, me wan job”… I have no shame. Or I apply for jobs that are way too high level for me. “President of the U.N.” etc. I’m still covered if someone comes checking. I don’t have your drive to be the best applicant ever, I have an exit strategy but it requires four months more of government cheese.

    I’ve had a few ‘your cv is really interesting, but it wasn’t perfect for the job description, but we’ll keep in in mind if something comes up’ style responses and I’m like nooooo….. don’t pick me for your crappy soul-sucking outfit!

    • Little Miss S April 1, 2013 at 8:11 pm #

      Be careful that, after your interview, you don’t put yourself in a position where they offer you a job and you refuse, that can screw things up royally with your claim. The people at EDD, well the CA government entirely, seriously make the IRS look like pussycats (I’ve had recent dealings with both).

  6. Uncle Bo April 2, 2013 at 7:50 pm #

    Sounds pretty good over there. Here in Australia we have to keep a list of our job searches, also 10 per fortnight, and visit the welfare office every 5 weeks to hand over the form. I’ve been suckling the teat so long that I now have to visit the job office and surf the ‘net on their comps for one hour twice a week.

    Nothing like a fat wad of the decadent gubbamint’s no-strings dosh in the hand to keep a lad happy though…


  1. Unemployment Diary: Timing | delicioustacos - April 18, 2013

    […] Within your own town there are places you’ve never seen that you could walk to. Blocks of crazy old time mansions walled in by ghettos out of a 1992 hip hop video. Within your own state there are volcanoes out past the high desert; there are flowers in the Mojave now for one week, it’s half a tank of gas. You don’t do it. You jerk off. You jerk off and then you don’t go out to bars that are on your own street filled with interesting people on a Tuesday night. You’re not horny so who cares. You have the thing that people dream of, that you dreamed of, and you waste it. Meanwhile you are exploring and conquering distant lands, solving mysteries, taming passions and slaying beasts on your Xbox. […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: