Take Me Home Tonight

26 Jul
image stolen from kobebundle.blogspot.com

image stolen from kobebundle.blogspot.com

(This is a selection from my book Hot Naked Tits, which you can buy here.)

He was lit and he went to the back patio for a cigarette. It was Monday and the crowd wasn’t bad. Two to one ratio but one cute girl smoking alone. Mexican in Converse. 1981 Love and Rockets.

You look like the girl who blew Eric Stoltz in Rules of Attraction, he said. He knew she would know it.

Haha– that’s not the only thing she did in that movie.

The less said about the rest the better.

I actually love that movie.

Me too. It was the first time I learned that people wipe their ass while they’re still sitting down. That split screen scene with fuckin cinder block head James Van Der Beek.

I thought he was hot.

You live around here?


With your family?

Why, cuz I’m Mexican?


No, I have a job and I pay rent. I went to college and I’m not pregnant, Sean Bateman.

The night is young.

Haha. What about you?

Up the hill.

You here alone?

I am.


I’m an alcoholic.

Me too apparently, she said. So what, you come here to pick up girls?

I come here to get drunk. Sometimes shit happens by accident.

I bet you do OK. He took a drag. She did too. I used to go out to pick up boys too but I’m through with that shit now. You never know what you’re gonna get.

Usually I got a pretty good idea.

You don’t have any bad stories?

Not really. Actually– buddy of mine just told me one.

Oh, your buddy.

No, seriously.

Tell me.

He was on a rugby team back in Boston. They’d play on Saturdays and then go get wasted all smelly and covered in grass stains. Not just booze, they’d do all kinds of coke and special K and shit.


They were at one of those Boston places. I don’t know if you’ve been but there are a million bars called like Fergus O’Flanahan’s with shamrocks all over. And, like, murmurs the owner was in the IRA.


They’re hammered playing pool. And there’s one hot girl in the bar. By herself. She looks like 19, he told me, and fucking cute as hell. Little blonde girl. She’s got an Eddie Money T shirt on and weird eyes. So they think she must be an ironic art student and steer clear.


But one of the guys starts talking to her, and she is fuckin shithouse. I mean, she is slurring the fuck out of her words and can barely stand up. And they’re all like this too, but they have coke, they’re still standing. She keeps talking to them. They can’t figure out what the fuck she’s saying but she’s laughing her ass off, like screaming laughing, having the time of her life. And they’re giving her bumps in the shitter stall in the men’s room and they ask her to come back to this apartment they had. A couple of the guys lived there. This is the 90’s before drunk sex was rape. They’re like 22 at the time so it’s a basement and they probably still had a beer pong table.

He lit another cigarette. She did too.

They get her back– they get her back and just immediately start running a train. She still has her socks on and one guy’s making out with her and another guy’s eating her pussy and then they put her on the beer pong table and one guy’s getting his dick sucked and the other guy’s fucking her. And my buddy goes in the bathroom and gets– this one guy has cocoa butter, they all make fun of him for it because he probably uses it to fuck his leather couch– anyway my buddy gets the cocoa butter and they flip her on her side and they go full air tight. He’s fucking her in the ass, another guy in the face, another guy in the pussy. These guys are jocks, they’re not afraid of balls touching.

Oh God.

He told me she had a shitty ass but he was so wasted at this point. The rest of the guys are standing around jerking off and he gets them in and they get it so she has no weight on her arms and they get another guy’s dick in each hand. There has to be some word for it, the pentagram or something. She has five dicks going at once. Face pussy ass hand hand. A dude runs up to grab the one roommate’s fancy camera he uses to photograph birds and takes pictures. They got a bunch of coke left and they just keep doing this all night until they finally pass out. I bet the guys who fuck her pussy just blasted in her, no questions asked.

And the whole time she is screaming her head off, even with a dick in her mouth, he’s fucking her asshole doggy style and she’s pushing her butt back, and my buddy, good looking dude, he’s fucked a lot of girls. Never in my life, he tells me, has a girl loved dick like this. She’s an animal.

Lucky night for him, she said.

Anyway. They all pass out. She’s on the couch. Next morning they get up and she’s still faded as fuck. Still slurring her words and shit and can’t walk properly. Still giggly. They’re gonna take her home and so one guy asks where she lives. And she says: I don’t know.


They’re like what? How do you not know where you live? She just keeps saying I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. Someone makes breakfast and she’s eating and she gets scrambled eggs all over her face and she’s just– not recovering. And it dawns on them.


She’s retarded. Like severely retarded. Actually– anyone who can talk is only mildly retarded, you know, clinically. But you get the idea.


And they keep asking her where do you live, where do you live, and she says I don’t know where I live. They’re trying to say it all slow. One guy draws a picture of a house with a sun and a tree and stuff and makes a shrug gesture like– “home? Where home?” Just, I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. They ask her so many times she starts crying.

Oh my God.

Finally they just drop her off at a 7-11.

Holy shit.

I know, right?

Did they feel bad about it?

He didn’t, but he’s a pig.

She laughed a little. That story’s kind of hot.

Yeah, I’ve jerked off to it.

He took his last drag. She did too. So what are you doing now, she said.

I don’t know. You want to come up the hill with me?

Mayyyyyyyyyyybe, she said. But I don’t want you to think I’m gonna fuck you.

No need to get ahead of ourselves.

I kind of have a boyfriend.

… how long?

Kind of long. But I kind of want to go home with you too.

Nothing bad’s going to happen.

OK, she said. Let me close my tab.

I’m gonna drain the lizard. I’ll meet you back at the bar.

Now you sound like you do this all the time.

First time the girl’s talked about her boyfriend though, he said. Feels a little unfair.

He saw her face change. He knew he’d gone too far.

19 Responses to “Take Me Home Tonight”

  1. Acme_Rocket July 26, 2014 at 5:44 pm #

    You never go full retard.

  2. md July 26, 2014 at 11:47 pm #

    excellent writing. thanks

  3. Tartan July 27, 2014 at 6:12 am #

    So er… no pink taco then?

  4. Not Nikol July 27, 2014 at 7:50 pm #

    You are a master of prose. I wish you never had to spend another moment of your life doing anything other than writing.

    • delicioustacos July 28, 2014 at 9:57 am #

      Thanks, Not Nikol. It was great not hanging out with you this weekend, when I was not at your place with the stupid kids you don’t have. Not going to that barbecue was a highlight.

  5. Mike K July 28, 2014 at 2:52 pm #

    Did you delete the NoFap video diary? Too bad. Enjoyed it.

    • delicioustacos July 28, 2014 at 3:11 pm #

      It’s still on youtube:

      • Edward McSpunkknucle July 28, 2014 at 6:49 pm #

        It’s dross. It’s dross because it’s unedited. You clearly edit when you write. The edited version of that is “Hi.”

      • whatever July 29, 2014 at 12:41 am #

        Quite the opposite, McSpunkknucle. Rarely have I seen a video statement (unedited AND edited) that was so well-spoken and to the point.

      • LASERCAKES August 1, 2014 at 10:17 am #

        I love you, DT. You are my hero.

      • creep February 24, 2015 at 1:15 am #

        that was seriously the scariest thing I’ve ever heard. I know this was almost a year ago but I bet you still mean some of it. Jeez. I’m actually crying.

  6. some doofus July 28, 2014 at 11:43 pm #

    I know nothing about picking up women, so this leaves me wondering whether I too can, with carefully chosen words, get a woman back to my place within an hour of meeting her. Nah.

  7. hmm July 29, 2014 at 10:23 pm #

    when you’re reading this high on coke, some parts become suspenseful, like DT was almost apart of a rape. So i read on, then i got those anxious coke butterflies, but the story fizzled out, so I was alright again. But in the end, I was like, you actually relay stories like that, in that semi-exact wording???

    oh boy

    did you at least inseminate her? lol

  8. wish i'd chosen a better name July 31, 2014 at 8:28 am #

    if this is an actual pickup then you’re better than you think. but we, and you, all knew that anyway

    i have a couple questions –

    “lit” means drunk, right? so …… (he) was drinking despite the AA meetings?

    “feels a little unfair” to who? if this line was omitted the whole thing would be smooth but that line made me feel confused.

    sorry for the retarded questions. please explain as to a child

    • teacher July 31, 2014 at 9:18 am #

      Ah, the perks of not being a native speaker… I guess/hope that one was pre-AA

  9. wish i'd chosen a better name July 31, 2014 at 10:27 am #

    how is being a non-native speaker a perk?

    he says he is alcoholic to the girl. how you know it happen before.

    plus, what is drainage lizard.

    pls fourgive my poor english

  10. wish i'd chosen a better name August 1, 2014 at 6:18 am #

    “let’s not get ahead of ourselves”

    i just stole that line to use on some okc girl. thanks dt

    • nnn August 1, 2014 at 9:56 am #

      “plus, what is drainage lizard.” I just stole that one to address my senator

  11. Ali August 22, 2014 at 7:18 pm #

    Gay story. You’re a faggot and so is your butt buddy, McQueen.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: