Here is the problem. I truly am addicted to this shit. To sex, to the possibility of sex, to validation from women. Alcohol made me feel good while I was drinking it. But women kept me feeling human for weeks. Months. If I’ve not fucked recently, I’m not a person. I’m not worth being alive.
Once I could get a new one every three months and be OK. Then a week. Now the day after I fuck a woman I might like– if she gets a weird on text the next day I think I’m an ugly freak and no one could ever love me. Fantasize about my lonely childless death. Or while my dick was in one girl, I’d feel desperate about other girls.
I don’t care about anything else. A career. What’s the point if it doesn’t get you pussy. If I have a crush I think about that girl all day. Not nice things. I obsess that she doesn’t love me. Think about her fucking other dudes.
Pussy cured every problem. If I was diagnosed with AIDS, at least I got laid. Everything else is great, but I’m not getting laid– miserable. Ungrateful for my life. For the birds and the sunset.
You make a list of behaviors:
- I have a checklist of qualities that I check girls against. Age, ethnicity, face, modicum of brainpower. If they meet it, I want them. If they don’t, they’re invisible.
- When I like a girl, or if she checks off items on my list, I become obsessive. Freaking out over when/ if she texts., etc.
- If a girl does not meet the checklist, I’ll still go out with her to fuck her, even though I say I want a relationship
- I stare at underage girls in public
- I jerk off to underage facebook bikini shots
- I have no faith that I will meet someone I like who likes me. I obsess over how it will never happen.
- I think if I ever met someone I’d drive her away by being a loser
- I only feel comfortable with girls I consider inferior
- Then if I connect with a girl I start seeing her as superior
- I get sad when I see couples holding hands on the street. I hate hearing people talk about their boyfriends/ girlfriends because I think I’ll never have one.
- I spam OKCupid and Tinder hoping for validation and base my self worth on the responses
- I flake or ghost on girls who like me if they don’t meet the checklist
- I think about women and sex constantly instead of anything else including sobriety, writing, friends, family and work
- Therefore I blow off friends and family for dates. If I spend time with friends/ family I resent them for taking away date time.
- I resent women for how easy they have it, and the power they have over me. So I’m mean to them (even old ladies).
- I’m pushy sexually
- I’m selfish sexually
- I think if a woman won’t fuck me she is useless, and her existence is an insult
You get back a list of shit you have to stop. It’s meant to bring you to withdrawal. There is no outrunning a kick.
- No flirting
- No dating
- No online dating sites
- No sex, no sexual contact, no kissing, no touching
- No real conversations with women
- No initiating conversations with women
- No liking of women’s stuff on Facebook or Instagram. No adding women on social media.
- No porn or sexy pictures
- No jerking off
- No texting women, no calling women
- No being alone with a woman
- No fantasizing about women
- No writing about sex unless necessary to the story
- No long eye contact with women
- No leering at women, no checking them out
How long? Until you don’t care how long anymore.
The hard part isn’t the jerking off and looking and talking. No girls talk to me anyway. The hard part is: today I was supposed to go to the bird sanctuary. With a girl who told me: stop being such a dirtbag. This isn’t you. Why don’t you show me who you really are.
I was just gonna hold her hand. Fifteen different ponds. Five kinds of hummingbirds and that’s not even the main draw. It’s primarily a waterfowl sanctuary. Snowy egrets. Spoonbills. Northern shovelers. Double crested cormorants. American coots. Although God knows if the ducks and rails are there this time of year. You’d think if that were who I really am, I’d know. But there’s an osprey nest. Song sparrows. Blackbirds with wedge tails. Maybe a black throated magpie jay who jumped a cage out of Mexico. Have you seen one of those things? Holy god damn mother of ass eating fuck: what a magnificent corvid.
Do I want her because she said show me who you are. Or because she’s Chinese with big tits. Why is every girl who likes me the last one who ever will. Better lock her down. You think you can do that being nice. But I’m sorry: woman haters are right. The way to keep a woman is to treat her like the dirt she thinks she is. The way to keep a woman is: fuck other women. Because she can fuck other dudes. You wanna play that game with me, I can have a hard 8 here on a plane tonight. People write erotic fucking fan fiction about me. I keep an axe by my door because women go crazy over me and make lesser men go crazy over them to get at me. All pussy in the world is owned by a vanishingly small group of men. Somehow my ugly weak broken ass is one of them. So: stay with me. Stay with me, please. I have money now. You can quit your job. I’ll clean the toilet, I promise.
We are feeding a mallard by Echo Park Lake. I heard they mate for life, she tells me. Some of them do. Others form rape gangs and fuck whatever they find till it’s dead. Which one shows who they really are.
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