One Simple Trick to Self Publish a Bestseller

7 Jul
jefferson 3

Soon they’ll put my face on the money

My new collection The Pussy is out. Pay for The Pussy, own The Pussy, put The Pussy on a pedestal, etc.

7/4/16

Need to kill somebody today. Take my axe to the park. Start chopping up babies and old people. I pray for nuclear war. Every second of life too agonizing. This is from having difficulty with revising the page numbers in my book proof.

I want there to not be page numbers on the endpapers. For this you must insert a section break. Then delete the page numbers from the desired section. But the header in the new section defaults to being “linked” to the last section. So when you delete the page numbers in the new section, it deletes them in the last section, aka the meat of the book. Fix it, delink the section breaks, delete the page numbers. But your odd and even page numbers are different header types. So you have to manually go in and delete the even numbered page numbers as well. Which you have forgotten are linked to the previous sections header by default. So it deletes even page numbers in the whole book.

Each time you correct a typo your file is re-reviewed for 24 hours. I will release this book when I’m 150 fucking years old. You finally delete both odd and even page numbers in your new section. The fucking three pages at the back, which no one, you realize now– no one on Earth, and certainly no one out of the fucking six people who’ll shell out four dollars extra for a hard copy of the shit they’ve already read on your web site, instead of the e-book– not one of those fucking people would have cared about the 3 blank pages in the back having page numbers for one one billionth of an instant. It literally affects nothing. Except that it ruins your entire day to sit screaming a the keys in a rage that shit never just fucking works. Everything in life– beating off, flossing your teeth– every single fucking thing is an expedition up K2 requiring weeks of fastidious planning. If you fuck up one small thing it’s disaster. Nothing works. No person or machine or system will ever do the slightest thing for you. You must hack and hack and hack at it until what was supposed to be a fun project is the trigger for your suicide. And when you’re dead there won’t even be a fucking book to remember you by. The files weren’t approved. Kill everyone. Kill everyone.

I can’t post anything because I’d be “wasting“ it now. Page views must lead to a link to the book. Can’t get the link up until Createspace has approved my new, identical file. Fine– fucking holiday weekend, no one’s reading shit anyway.

There cannot ever have been a person as miserable as me. Elie Wiesel died. There is not a moment in Night when he was as unhappy as reformatting this piece of shit made me. Forced marches over Poland in winter. Single rotten carrot stashed in your ass to sustain you for eight weeks. One death camp to another. The new one always worse. Your father’s teeth knocked out with the butt of a sturmgewehr. Elderly cobblers cannibalizing their children in front of you. God reaching down from heaven specifically to tell you, in the only unambiguous message ever received from God: there’s no plan here. It’s all fucked. All suffering is for nothing. I do not exist. That would be preferable.

If I become Hitler my Auschwitz will be rows of laptops. Word 2013. The gate says Welcome Microsoft Office Power Users. You need to format a collection of blog posts that will sell five copies. Make people work gray collar office jobs while blogging about OKCupid for four years. Give them the fleeting idea that some of it’s good. Make them wade through their 650 repetitive posts, copy paste from WordPress into Microsoft a billion times to correct the god damn page numbers– they’d choose the gas.

Anyway, fuck holiday weekends. Fuck Fourth of July. Fuck America. A shit society that should have been destroyed. I wish the Japanese had won. Probably be a ton of Jap pussy running around. I wish any alternate timeline had happened where I don’t exist. Or that fucking page numbers were intuitive to fix in Office 2013. One of the two.

**********

butterfly b

7/7/16

All right– enough fuckin negativity. It’s done. It looks good. All I want is: one new person sees it on a toilet tank. Opens it and laughs. So go buy one for your grandmother. I’m done marketing; it’s cutting into my porno time.

15 Responses to “One Simple Trick to Self Publish a Bestseller”

  1. Atlanta Man July 7, 2016 at 12:31 pm #

    Porn to watch Sunrise Adams in Bring em Young 5, awesome scene with ass to mouth early in her career when she was 18 and still did anal. Enjoy , you have earned it.

  2. E July 8, 2016 at 4:21 am #

    My mother-in-law is hallucinating again. She lives in Europe, alone. We live in the United States. We call her on Skype and she starts complaining and asking why we haven’t brought her a Coke. Why don’t we just come up to her room. We live on different continents, my wife explains. Yes, replies mother-in-law, but I was just on a plane, and you’re downstairs, so why don’t you just come up to the room with a Coke. She was on a plane four months ago. My wife tries to find a polite way to explain to someone that they have dementia, and then gets angry when it doesn’t work, and then blames everything from monetary exchange rates to American refrigerators, and then blames me, and then cries. This all occurs in the morning as we both get ready for work. Have a nice day, Honey. In the meantime I’m doing well. Haven’t had a drink in almost two months, haven’t flirted with other women online, eating more or less ketogenic, working out six days a week.

    Thanks for letting me share. This is much preferable to AA. Convenient, like cyberchurch.

    • delicioustacos July 8, 2016 at 7:21 am #

      This is great, thank you for posting it.

    • J.A.F.O. July 8, 2016 at 5:00 pm #

      E, did your Pancreas go south from the drink?

      • E July 8, 2016 at 7:47 pm #

        No. Is that a litmus test. Should I keep drinking.

      • PSA From Glands McWhiteknight July 9, 2016 at 1:40 am #

        well, you’re probably trolling, but yes.
        quit while you’re ahead.
        pancreas can’t unfuck itself like the liver can. if it goes, it’ll
        put a serious dent in any & all future faggotry, online or otherwise.

        playback tips:
        for god’s sake, mute this thing first
        pause at 0:36

    • Father O'Hara aka Adolf Hitler's Skid Marks On His Underpants July 8, 2016 at 7:19 pm #

      Love to fuck that old bitch! “Fuck her,officer? I didn’t fuck anyone–bitch is crazy!”

  3. Sylvia July 8, 2016 at 2:04 pm #

    May you sell enough copies to move to Japan and post shit about how horrible life is being the only tall white guy getting laid so often.

  4. Reader from North Korea July 9, 2016 at 10:35 am #

    Finally got one of these electronic contraptions to read digital web-sites.

    Found your web-page after searching for girl-fucks-horse-porn.

    Your writing expresses the exact kind of Western Degeneracy that our Government warned us about. Golly, they weren’t kidding or lying to us. You all really are sick.

    May Our Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un rain atomic missiles of hellfire down upon your cities–especially at those traitorous dogs in Koreatown, Los Angeles and New York.

  5. K-hole July 10, 2016 at 12:19 am #

    I love the book in print. I’m laughing loudly as I’m reading it with my door open. My polyamorous neighbors are fighting outside and probably think I’m laughing at them. Thanks for making this.

    • K-hole July 10, 2016 at 12:20 am #

      Also, she loves the Pussy. ^

    • Atlanta Man July 11, 2016 at 1:19 am #

      She is hot, I love white women.

      • K-hole July 11, 2016 at 5:07 pm #

        She’s half Mexican

        I love white women too though

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