Why Don’t You Quit Your Job, She Says

19 Mar

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Why don’t you quit your job, she says.

It’s not that simple. I need insurance. What if I get cancer. What if I have to spend eight hours a day in chemo getting my blood poisoned. Brain erased. Plus commute. It costs a lot for them to kill you slowly. What if I get someone pregnant. The baby gets cancer. What if I can’t provide. What if my rent goes up. What if I had to move. To get an apartment you need good credit. To get good credit you need to borrow money. To borrow money you need to have money. To have money, you need a job. Don’t you get it. I work, then come home. Go to bed early. I got a better shot at cancer than at a girlfriend.

Quit your job, she says. She lives in France with a coke dealer slash model. She’s pretty. He pays for everything. She insists. Spending her money makes her less of a woman. Her husband was rich. She must have enough to never work again. Still, a man must pay. Don’t you get it.

An old Chinese woman backed into my car. All stereotypes are true. A Mexican stole my bike. Jews took money from my bank account, for some legal matter. You agreed to this, they explained after hold music. In the fine print. A hillbilly tried to beat me up for fucking his hooker girlfriend. I saw a funny headline about a young grandmother arrested sucking cock for meth. The mug shot looked like the shaman in a diorama of early man. It was my cousin. When I was fourteen we went swimming at the family reunion. I beat off to her for ten years. When her daughter hit puberty I started beating off to her Facebook photos. Now the daughter has a daughter.

I need an up-to-date phone for the insurance company app. To take videos of the damage to JP Morgan Chase & Company’s car. I need wi-fi to upload the video so they can deny my claim and I can pay three grand for new pieces of plastic so the car doesn’t make people think I’m poor. Don’t you get it.

I was in line at the grocery store. Buying eggs for dinner. All cage free; they passed a law. Behind me a girl. I smiled at her. She smiled back and I had no words. Ahead of me a woman I knew working in Hollywood. She had a better job. Thought I was a worm even then. I’ve been out three years and I could tell she only half recognized me. Looking at me thinking: what is that.

16 Responses to “Why Don’t You Quit Your Job, She Says”

  1. Anonymous March 19, 2017 at 11:31 am #

    Fag

    • Anonymous 2.0 March 19, 2017 at 2:11 pm #

      Shut up with the ‘fag’ comments already. DT is not a fag. He just plays one in real life.

      • Oily Cormorant March 22, 2017 at 12:52 pm #

        DT just uses a fake fag accent in podcasts to hide his identity. And on dates, so he can come home blue balled with angst for the next day’s writing. A method actor, very dedicated to the work.

  2. Atlanta Man March 19, 2017 at 1:39 pm #

    Beautiful women know nothing of the real world.

    • PolloAsado March 20, 2017 at 4:27 am #

      Jim Jeffries said it best when he mentioned how good looking people are probably the happiest people.

      • Oily Cormorant March 22, 2017 at 12:59 pm #

        What the fuck does he know about it. Good looking *women*, maybe. When I was good looking, I was already the unhappiest people. Because the supply of good looking women is extremely small, and even when you grab one you’re beset on all sides by the equities of selfish men and the tyranny of evil women.

  3. Somebody March 19, 2017 at 3:02 pm #

    “Quit your job”… “A man must pay”… Ok, so women’s logic holds that any effort that someone must put forth is suspect: it’s likely a compensation for their shortcomings. Thus her belief that “Spending her [own] money makes her less of a woman.” Effort is repulsive and subhuman. Perfect people are effortless and don’t need to try, things are simply given to them. If life’s fruits aren’t dropped into their lap like royalty, something must be wrong with them. “NEXT”.
    Female readers please confirm.

    • Small March 19, 2017 at 9:38 pm #

      There’s some truth there. But let’s be real – it’s fundamentally rewarding to be given things because people are just happy to lay eyes on you. Happy that you exist. To be treated as if you had the *right* to live well, and they’re only helping you fulfill your destiny.

      Also, I imagine Angela has to make sacrifices to stay at the top of her game. Good body + hair + skin + makeup + presence + good conversational game + nursemaid for another human’s ego. These things don’t just happen. If the straight male dating pool is anything to go by, then almost any of them are so much work as to be impossible. Once you have *all* of these things, then you’re simply out of reach for the average straight male. DT is vocal about this, and he’s right.

      As a final observation, men are generally assholes unless they’re paying. Men on dates with their “peers” dominate the conversation, talking about themselves endlessly; if they’re re-fuckable at all, they’re probably already semi-pro in the local Tinder/OkCupid market. Men who are paying for your time, on the other hand, are more likely to treat you as valuable – because to them, you are. You’re worth hundreds of dollars an hour. A luxury. 🙂

      • Somebody March 20, 2017 at 3:02 pm #

        @Smalls – from the top:

        While it may be egotistically satisfying, it doesn’t FEEL pleasurable. Being given anything is a literal “reward”; that term is meaningless. What counts is what gives pleasure. When there’s no actual pleasure to be had, don’t such gifts only serve to distance the anointed one from others, as opposed to bring them closer? Further, the last sentence of the first paragraph sounds like the spiritual nonsense that celebrities believe separates them from their lowly, grovelling admirers. I hope this is not a common belief among women in our culture.

        Par. 2:
        A sacrifice is ALWAYS to another person. But all of those things serve herself primarily, to enhance her own value. You might argue it serves her man, but none of it’s exclusive to him; it can be “reapplied” to any potential right-swipe, thus the fruits of her labor remain with her. You might argue there’s an opportunity cost, since basic upkeep takes a long time, ie “I bet she’d much rather be vacationing with all that time she puts in” but that’s the catch. Vacation isn’t free for anyone, it costs. Those things that you mentioned she works at is literally how Angela pays for her indefinite French vacation. It’s not sacrifice.

        As for the average straight male issue, my opinion here is that women are artificially pricing themselves out of the market. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the average guy except that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and thus spends time doing things that sink his value (solitude, porn, writing verbose blog comments, et al)

        Par. 3:
        Lastly, yes, we get what we pay for. Angela making the guy pay makes him invest into their relationship, yes literally, but more importantly figuratively. If they hit a rough patch, and he gets all reflective, trying to decide whether to drop her, he’s more likely to stay if he’s invested more into her (read: them together). Very savvy on her part.

        Just playing a little devil’s advocate, I didn’t expect a considerate response, props.

  4. zizi March 20, 2017 at 5:58 am #

    OK DT, now imagine what it’s like to be an *immigrant* male who is not a native speaker and you know almost no one as you arrive. say an eastern european in lovely racist France (that’s me). you think the top local women are in a hurry to date someone w a shitty accent and no social network (ie. status)?
    in other words, f* you, but keep writing.

  5. TV KWA March 20, 2017 at 9:01 am #

    excellent work, DT

  6. Bonnes Tacos March 20, 2017 at 10:04 am #

    Looking at me thinking: what is that. Did I fuck that?

  7. Kitten Holiday March 21, 2017 at 3:55 am #

    Women love giving women advice that sounds empowering but is really intended to nudge them into a plummeting freefall of failure. We get bored easily and watching others burn keeps us warm.

    • Bonnes Tacos March 21, 2017 at 3:19 pm #

      “You would look so cute in a bob!”

  8. Kitten Holiday March 21, 2017 at 3:58 am #

    *and men. But men rarely ask for or especially fall for the bad advice. Women do.

    • Whachutalkinbout? March 22, 2017 at 4:50 am #

      Men rarely ask for or especially fall for the bad advice … unless it’s coming from a woman he wants to bang. FTFY,

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