Triumph of the Will

27 Apr

My neighbor got bedbugs. I only see him when he has to drag a big plastic city trash can under his balcony. Spiderman himself up into his apartment. Something I used to do when I got fucked up. Once in a while I see his girlfriend walking up the stairs. So beautiful it makes me panic for a second, even though she can’t see me in my kitchen. Someone once asked me to pick a superpower. I chose invisibility. It only came true for pretty girls. I never forget my keys. I’m alone. He has the kind of girl who gives you Devendra Banhart’s bedbugs.

I learned about his bedbugs after the landlady had filthy drunk workmen from Chiapas going back and forth from his place to mine all day. Spreading the bedbugs. Later she had a document for me to sign. It said I agreed that any bedbugs ever found in my place in the future had been brought solely by me. That I alone am liable for any damage to the apartment. My possessions.

I did not knock her down. Clean and jerk her over my head. She’s in her 70’s. Small to begin with and old women have hollow bird bones. I did not hoist her aloft. Ululate in an Ultimate Warrior voice. I did not spin once then toss her 20 feet off the porch as the 8-axle city sewer truck roared by. I did not run down to the pavement to stomp the bones of whatever bloody thing was left until it stopped twitching. I politely declined to sign the paper. We’ll see what happens.

4 Responses to “Triumph of the Will”

  1. Anonymous April 27, 2018 at 8:46 am #

    I had bedbugs they suck.
    Diatomecuos Earth is a good thing to fight them with.

  2. dickycone April 27, 2018 at 8:18 pm #

    Good luck, man. Glad you didn’t sign/pile drive her into the carpet.

  3. Anonymous April 28, 2018 at 3:13 pm #

    Whiniest whoremonger on earth

  4. Birkenstock Mullato Starbuck May 1, 2018 at 7:39 pm #

    Heyyy, the part about that poor innocent landjew was ANTI-SEMITIC! REEEP REEEP REEEP REEEP WOOOO-OOOOO WOOOO-OOOOO electric screechbird cocksucker

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