Not Long Now

31 Jul

California ground squirrel - Wikipedia

The blog will suck for a long time. Many things happening. Nothing I can talk about. Some go in the book. The book won’t be out for years. Maybe 2025. I’ll be pushing 50. One hopes I’ll have lost my testosterone and can just Netflix and die, feed the cat.

There’s one old man and one old woman, separately, that go feed squirrels in the park. I talked to the woman once. Maybe 60, Guatemalan or something. I don’t give crap, she says. I give them vegetables and legumes. The guy I’ve never spoken to directly. But I hear him chatter to the squirrels in some Asian language. Addressing them as individuals. The squirrels are a ground squirrel colony. Maybe a hundred of them that live in these bushes that have blue flowers. He might have names for each one.

The California ground squirrel is a beautiful rodent. Silver coat on the shoulders blending into rich spotted browns. When you see a cool animal you check its Wikipedia. The way you Facebook stalk a hot girl. The California ground squirrel’s main predator is the rattlesnake. The squirrel can vibrate its tail so fast it creates a heat signature that addles the snake’s infrared vision. Who learned this. Was it a woman, and would she date me. I remember going to the museum to look at dinosaur bones. There was a group of grad students delicately chiseling teeth out of a rock behind glass. Every one was a woman 8 or above. I took the cat to the vet and a woman 8 or above brought him out when he was done. You have a dream when you’re a kid. You’re gonna fix sick cats or dig up dinosaur bones. Hot women get to keep their dreams.

I tried to explain the squirrel’s capabilities to the Guatemalan woman. Her English and my Spanish aren’t great. We just agreed we like the squirrels. These are role models now. I want to be an old man who feeds park animals. Many things happening. They make me grateful for normal life. Reading a book in the yard with the cat on the folding chair I bought at Target. It was hard to do this. The first Target had to explain we don’t have chairs here. Sir we do not sell furniture of any kind. I accidentally opened the emergency door trying to leave. It set off a shrieking alarm through the entire store. The young people working in red polo shirts thought I set off the alarm deliberately. In anger that they don’t sell furniture of any kind. It was an accident. They hate me now, forever, at the nearest Target.

The second Target was huge, loud and scary. Two floors, and the guy on the second floor told me they only had camping chairs. But I saw through his lies. I can’t date anymore. I can barely go shopping. I want to dissolve in a barrel of oil in the desert.

15 Responses to “Not Long Now”

  1. Anonymous July 31, 2021 at 4:24 pm #

    Please find a manly hobby. Feeding squirrels and birds in a free public park, feeding a cat, being a secretary, and reading books alone are all hobbies for an old woman or a standard homo.

    Start watching football, basketball, or baseball. Or anything with a ball. You may learn what it is like to have 2 balls when you actually watch one in action on the tv screen or at the ballpark.

    • Anonymous August 1, 2021 at 12:30 pm #

      found the radfem

    • InternetDude August 7, 2021 at 10:18 pm #

      oh fer sure man. nothing less gay than staring at super fit men frolicking with each other on a field, idolizing them, spending your free time and money supporting them, etc.

      • Anonymous August 31, 2021 at 3:42 pm #

        You sound like a fag.

  2. Hugh G. Rekshun July 31, 2021 at 11:24 pm #

    You know who else was an animal lover and self-published book author? Adolf Hitler.

    • Hugh G. Rekshun August 1, 2021 at 11:31 pm #

      DT, you know who else held comments for moderation? Pol Pot. Loosen up, will ya. This blog used to be about Freedom and the First Amendment, man. What happened…Anyway, it’s “whiteboy summer”. Victory is secured. Time to relaaaax, dude.

      P.S. those ground squirrels have been around CA for hundreds if not thousands of years. Respect Nature, man. They don’t need your charity, your Unnatural handouts! Your probably messing up their health by giving them weird shit they’re not supposed to be eating. Just like how you accidentally blocked your cat’s urethra with the processed foods. Gosh, just observe and let them be. You liberals and your obsession with welfare. Look at what happens when sheboons get free food, they become obese and shit out 3-7 kids. And don’t pretend to get offended over the word ‘sheboons’; you know BAP uses that term and it’s what got him booted from soundcloud. You must Respeck Nature, including your own.

  3. shillberg August 1, 2021 at 4:15 pm #

    Bad news, tacos….if you really did get the M0derna (NASDAQ: MRNA), you might not make it to 2025.

  4. Ask Jeeves August 6, 2021 at 11:12 pm #

    Lest us not kid ourselves. This blog HAS, most definitively and by any metric known to man, sucked for a long time now.

    People read blogs these days as much as they polish their gramophones.

    Blogs are lazy. It was fine in its day of dial up AOL. Today, way more effort and thought and creativity is put into things than an aging man-secretary puking idle thoughts onto a shitty WordPress template.

    This is where you’re at. Lazy. Without consequence. Without offspring. You die off the way blogs did. And nobody noticed.

    • Anonymous December 20, 2021 at 9:23 pm #

      wtf this is so mean. taco if you reading this ily you actually do have consequence even if ur a fucking loser dont listen TO THE HATERS !!!!!!!

  5. Woo August 11, 2021 at 11:53 am #

    this would make an excellent Alice in Chains ballad.

  6. Jack’s irritable bowel movement August 12, 2021 at 3:21 pm #

    I don’t know what everyone’s giving you shit about. I love the blog. Been reading since 2012-ish and hope you continue posting for many years.

    And can I just say the “I am a crab” and Hollywood screenplay posts are still fucking hilarious.

    • Jack's spike-protein ravaged testicles August 13, 2021 at 4:04 pm #

      which is the “I am a crab” post? i might have missed it. DelTacos spent a decade writing posts and tweets that appeal to the sexually-frustrated 18-35 motherless demographic, of course he’ll get some angry comments once in a while. in the eyes of a sex-not-haver, the sex-haver is seen as a bad dude…the yang to the roastie yin. anyway, it’s all noise to him and he doesn’t respond to any negative comments, he just collects the $2k/mo. passive income from his book sales. haters goyna hate. Tacos is a big boy you don’t need to defend him. having said that, there are things that he has posted that are less-than-kind to those who are already angry about their lot in life. bad karma. unnecessary meanness. don’t bite the hand that clicks the Amazon “add to cart” button.

  7. FVCKO August 12, 2021 at 4:26 pm #

    WTF are joo doin’ in ALASKA, Tacos?!?!?! There ain’t no *age appropriate* PINAYS up there!!!!

  8. Catxman August 21, 2021 at 3:22 pm #

    *sighs* Same old same old. False insults towards Delicious in the comments section, insufficient appreciation for his greatness …

    • OUCHwitz September 4, 2021 at 9:43 am #

      “””people”””…and I use that word charitably….who leave negative comments here, ought to be banned and euthanized via state-mandated vaccination. The comments section must only contain positive remarks that celebrate DeliciousTacos’ brilliance. He is, after all, an e-celeb. He is also our e-bro, and our e-Jesus. I will follow him into any battle, digital or in-real-life.

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