The Corporate Death Penalty

Was I able to resolve your issue today, said customer service.

Absolutely, thank you. So I’m getting a credit for $36.75.

I’ll put that in the system sir yes. For the credit to be issued I have to put you on a brief hold. I’m going to send you over to the department that’s actually authorized for that.

Wait what-

I can put the credit in your file. But the credit has to be issued by the cancellation department-

But they’ll be able to see that I should get the credit, right?

They’ll have access to my notes yes.

How long will I be on hold-

Unfortunately I have no way of knowing that sir. I’m transferring you now-

WAIT, he said. But jazz music was playing. A trumpet ascending over Latin rhythms. Did you know that most billing questions can be answered online at Fulcrum dot com? Log in now to view your account, review billing details, and make payment arrangements.

He googled fulcrum cancellation department wait time reddit

“On hold over 1.5 hours twice for cancelation,”

I should let this go, he thought.

He held on.

He read Reddit. The cancellation department was required to either dispute you or keep you on hold for at least 15 minutes. As a matter of policy. Fulcrum Internet CEO Kevin Whitledge had expanded the company’s aggressive retention tactics. His compensation totaled $89 million.

Did you know that most billing questions can be answered online at Fulcrum dot com? Log in now to view your account, review billing details, and make payment arrangements. Fulcrum dot com was on his monitor in front of him. He clicked an icon to “Chat With Us.” Jazz music playing. He typed Live Agent.

On April 2^nd I called to attempt to cancel my Fulcrum service. I was offered a promotional rate of $59.99 per month for one year if I stayed with Fulcrum. I was told this would apply retroactively to my then-current bill and my account would be credited for the difference. The difference plus late charges is now showing up as a past due balance on my account. Fulcrum is calling me multiple times per day about this. I need this amount credited to my account immediately, he said.

The chat refreshed. His text disappeared.

To help us resolve your issue as quickly as possible, please tell us what your question is about.

FUCK YOU, he typed.

I can definitely take a look into this for you, may I have your full name to verify the account please?

I should let this go, he thought. It’ll only make me angry. I’m gonna spend $100 of time trying to save $36.

He held on.

Lifetimes passed. Out his window skyscrapers sprang up and crumbled. Glaciers formed. New continents rose from the sea. The lizards in his yard evolved to fly. The jazz music stopped. No one was speaking.

HELLO, he said. Is this the cancellation department?

Yes sir. The voice of a man who stole your girlfriend.

Do you have the notes from the call I just had in front of you. It should say I’m supposed to get a credit of $36.75.

I do see that you had a discussion about wanting a credit.

I spoke to a Fulcrum representative in April. I did the thing where you threaten to cancel. They gave me a promotional rate of $59.99. The representative promised this would apply to the current bill. And so I’ve paid $59.99. But I have this old balance they told me would be credited-

I don’t see how you could have been offered that rate.

I was offered that rate-

The only way I can even make the math work is if you got a discount for internet plus bundled services. Which I’m not seeing. You could get that rate by adding cable to your current service.

Do you see my previous bill for $59.99? If I wasn’t given the rate how was my bill $59.99?

What I’m saying is the rate doesn’t make any sense. I don’t see how you would have been offered that rate. And in fact that is not your rate.

What-

Your rate is $69.99

He looked at Fulcrum dot com. His last bill. It was true. It had increased.

They told me I’d pay $59.99 for one year-

You’re receiving a discount for one year. The discount is being applied. But the cost the discount is applied to has increased.

$59.99 is the cost! They said my bill would be $59.99!

Who said that sir. I don’t know who “they” are.

Look I can’t have this argument with you- I just talked to someone. They were gonna give me a credit. I need you to give me the credit.

I’m not giving you the credit.

You can’t or you won’t-

If I could, I would not. And I don’t have a time machine to go back and hear “they” telling you some rate back then that I’m telling you now is impossible. The best thing you can do to ensure no interruption of service is to pay your past due balance.

OK I’m cancelling. What do I do to cancel-

I’ll place you on a brief hold.

**

He hung up. Hammerfisted his desk and the whole floor shook. He heard his girlfriend’s voice from the bathroom.

Baby what’s the matter, she said.

I am going to kill Kevin Whitledge, CEO of Fulcrum Internet.

Why are you even bothering with them, isn’t it like 20 dollars. Just don’t pay it .

I am going to burn his family alive with a crème brûlée torch in front of him, he said. I am going to

rape his wife and hack her up with a machete. I am going to burn down his house with him in it. Tape an oxygen mask to his face so he doesn’t die easy from smoke inhalation.

She was laughing. Can you just not pay, can you switch to AT&T-

I am going to dangle Kevin Whitledge, CEO of Fulcrum Internet in a giant basket into an above ground swimming pool of hot canola oil and french fry him. I am going to electrocute Kevin Whitledge’s pets. I am going to kill his parents and his children and his children’s children for seven generations, and his cousins, second cousins, et cetera. I am going to exterminate the entire nation or nations wherefrom Kevin Whitledge is descended. I don’t know where this is, but say if he were of Dutch extraction, I am going to eradicate every Dutch person in Holland, and also every Dutch American person, Dutch-Mexican, et cetera. I am going to kill the nation and its diaspora.

OK baby.

I, with malice aforethought, am going to run over Kevin Whitledge’s dog with a steamroller. I am going to cut off Kevin Whitledge’s testicles with garden shears and force Kevin Whitledge, CEO of Fulcrum Internet, to swallow them. I am going to force Kevin Whitledge nude into a giant hive of bees. I am going to cover Kevin Whitledge in syrup and stake him to an ant hill like the Comanche. I am going to torture and murder Kevin Whitledge in manners resembling both a medieval inquisitioner and an Aztec. I am going to rip Kevin Whitledge’s heart from his chest atop a tall pyramid and hold it aloft before the sun god and a million jeering heathens. I am going to put a sea urchin in Kevin Whitledge’s ass and make him get a blowjob from an electric eel. I am going to dip Kevin Whitledge’s penis in ice water and broadcast it during the Super Bowl. I am going to cause a witch to give Kevin Whitledge an ingrown eyelash.

Baby I have to dry my hair-

I am going to give Kevin Whitledge a Charlie horse. I am going to liver shot Kevin Whitledge. I am going to make him drink wine till he explodes like in Caligula. Or I am going to make him watch the Caligula theatrical reissue, Caligula: The Ultimate Cut, remastered and recut with entirely new footage. There was a big to do- a screenplay by Gore Vidal! Performances by John Gielgud, etc. The hidden treasure left behind in Guccione’s edit- it’s still the worst movie of all time. The ultimate “cinephile” project. “Cinephiles” are useless morons.

Come on baby

I will show Kevin Whitledge this movie.

Too far, she said.

Kevin Whitledge, CEO of Fulcrum Internet, which on April 2 2024 promised me one year of home internet at a rate of $59.99, and which then, when I had paid $59.99 repeatedly, sent demands by text, mail, email and phone for an additional past due balance of $23.99, and whose tier one representative, months later in a telephone conversation, affirmed that the additional charge, which had by then ballooned to $36.75, was in error, but claimed that only “the cancellation department” “had authority to issue the credit.” Kevin Whitledge of Fulcrum Internet whose tier two representative disputed my claim in a Kafkaesque and talmudic manner. And refused to award the credit, after I’d held and held. I am going to stick a soldering iron in Kevin Whitledge’s urethra and pan fry his balls on a hot plate.

When he looked up she was gone.

**

When his bill increased again he bought a handgun and a ski mask. A blowtorch and machete. A room at a Holiday Inn in Connecticut. There were cameras in the hedge but no one came as he walked up the driveway, and the front door was open.

The kids weren’t home. The wife screamed so bad he almost stopped. I should let go of this. But he held on. He did make Whitledge watch. It took a very long time.

By the time he turned on Whitledge himself the man’s eyes were a thousand miles away. Probably the last thing he felt was ripping off the duct tape. But he made good on his promise. Hacked and hacked until the last bits stopped twitching. His heart pounding and pounding and he felt cold. He was halfway done painting “$36.75” in blood on the walls with a sawn off arm when a mist filled the room.

And when the men stepped out of it he thought he’d died himself. Gray men in gray suits, all balding, with watches of bright gold. One woman of color. An old man stepped forward and stretched out his hand. I’d like to introduce the rest of the board, he said. Only the darkest heart may hold the throne. We welcome you, our new CEO.