The Fire

30 Jan

My buddy called me. I’m going to check on the house and I need someone to come with me, he said. His house is in Altadena, in the hills on the edge of the Eaton Fire. Did his neighborhood burn, is it still burning. Nobody knows. There are Facebook groups with people’s videos of their houses burning blocks away. Nothing on his street.

I say yes, I’ll drive. I figure if it’s bad we’ll get turned back. And I want to help the guy. But really I want to see it. Destruction all over the news, it’s covered in smoke and ashes where I live. He took his wife and kid to a hotel. He left two cars up there and his wife’s clothes, and the last stuff from his mom’s house after she died. But driving up the 110 he tells me: I just want to see it. I want to see the fire. Continue reading →

The Corporate Death Penalty

21 Dec

Was I able to resolve your issue today, said customer service.

Absolutely, thank you. So I’m getting a credit for $36.75.

I’ll put that in the system sir yes. For the credit to be issued I have to put you on a brief hold. I’m going to send you over to the department that’s actually authorized for that.

Wait what-

I can put the credit in your file. But the credit has to be issued by the cancellation department-

But they’ll be able to see that I should get the credit, right?

They’ll have access to my notes yes.

How long will I be on hold-

Unfortunately I have no way of knowing that sir. I’m transferring you now-

WAIT, he said. But jazz music was playing. A trumpet ascending over Latin rhythms. Did you know that most billing questions can be answered online at Fulcrum dot com? Log in now to view your account, review billing details, and make payment arrangements. Continue reading →

Your AI Girlfriend Will Be Free

26 Nov

Your AI girlfriend will be free. Or if she has a body it’ll be sold to you at cost. Your AI girlfriend will be a loss leader.

Your AI girlfriend will be free to play with microtransactions. Your AI girlfriend will have a brain that takes up 15 nuclear power plants studying your biometrics to minimize your reason. Maximize your lust and desperation. Your AI girlfriend will be a 20,000 IQ hooker making you a whale for her pimp. Continue reading →

The Termite

28 Oct

I knew a man who worked in an office with no windows. Gray vinyl floors and white walls and LED lights. Three black screens folding out from each other and a dishwater color printer that beeped when it wanted something. Continue reading →

Vigilante

28 Sep

I woke up at 2:22AM. She hadn’t come home. And I thought about her getting arrested. Or killed by a drunk driver. Hacked up and murdered. Gang raped.

Murdered by cholo gangsters. Murdered and carjacked. And I thought about how I’d get revenge. A drone with a bomb hovering over the cholo family barbecue. Shrapnel bomb shredding the gangbangers and their abuelas.

Meeting the perpetrator in jail for one of those spiritual forgiveness meetings. But then sliding his child’s finger across the table. Continue reading →

Woman is the Source of Your Happiness

28 Aug

I’m posting new material on Substack.

Woman is the source of your happiness. What are you gonna do. You puff yourself up to get a woman. Once you have her you can’t keep her from leaving you. Gird yourself with looks money power ego connections, nice house nice yard, fame, whatever you want. She can leave. And with her your happiness. Continue reading →

The Lemon

29 Jul

Reminder, I’m posting all new material on Substack so I can make money. I also have a terrible podcast there. 

**

We got this fancy pork from a pig farm we visited. Wooly pigs. The breeding boar’s as big as a polar bear and the farmer, about 70, an old school California white guy who used to dive for sea urchins for a living, throws him apricots so he’ll come up to the fence. His hairs are thick as pencils. His breath sounds like a whale breathing. He’s caked in mud and clay, and you can pet him. And the farmer says to smell your hands afterward. It smells like nothing. They don’t sweat, the farmer explains. Continue reading →

The House

30 Jun

I think the pots and pans have spirits. I think they’re sentient beings, and they’re sad about being thrown out.

She came over to set up her workshop. She bought a silver polishing machine from China. No room in her place.

I have this mud room where I kept my air conditioners in winter. And two huge boxes of old papers and gifts. And a bookshelf I found in the trash in 2004 with dusty shoes I never wear in it, covered in spider webs. The cat’s litter box was there. The cat’s been dead eight months. He never shit inside to begin with. The litter box was for when he’d have to have surgery and stay in the house. I have never cleaned the mud room. I’d have gone to my grave never cleaning the mud room. I never clean anything. I feel bad disturbing the spiders. Continue reading →

Birthday 2024

30 May

I’m on vacation from thinking about the future.

This year I’m gonna quit my job. If the payout doesn’t come through by June. I said this last year. June. Then it was December. Before that it was when I had $20,000. Then $50,000, $100,000, $200,000. Now half a million, right? I hope so because the jump to a million’s too long. I’d be 50 probably. Interest rates, treasury yields won’t be high by then. High enough to sink that money into T bills. Get $50k a year plus my writing money–

My mom says it’s a bad idea to quit. My AA sponsor. My best friend. My–can’t say girlfriend yet. I did ask.

But it’s a nuisance, and gay, to do another man’s life’s work.

I need to make more from writing. I’m talking to you personally. If you’re not a paid subscriber to my Substack within 12 hours of reading this–I know who you are. I know where you live. If you’re not a paid subscriber within 12 hours of reading this I’m going to come to your house. And I’m going to (REDACTED) you. I’m going to (REDACTED) your family. First I’m gonna beat your ass in front of your girlfriend with Muay Thai. If you have any grappling this is not about you. Then I’m gonna We Need to Talk about Kevin you with a bow and arrow. Continue reading →

The Money

16 Apr

This post is from my Substack, where I’m posting new material.

**

Wake up, said the money. I need you to do something.

Already?

He’d been unemployed ten days. He’d saved half a million dollars. He’d dreamed for nine years. Every day. Please let them fire me. They did.

That day he went to his Google Spreadsheet and looked at the money. Stocks had dipped. The money was $499,908.

No matter.

$164,845 was in retirement accounts. Untouchable without penalty. Of the rest, $143,259 was invested. Securities that should grow. Untouchable without losing.

$191,802 was uninvested cash. Annual expenses $76,568. If he earned no money whatsoever. If his unemployment claim were rejected. If no stock nor bond ever yielded another dividend. He could live comfortably, without touching investments, for 2.54 years.

927 days, 2 hours

And 24 minutes

She’s pregnant, said the money. Continue reading →

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