Tag Archives: house centipedes

Litter Box

13 Mar

housecentipede

He’d been up since eight but had done nothing.  He had masturbated, to a midget.  That was it.  Two hours of culling through this midget’s oeuvre to find the optimum clip to masturbate to.  Little person, rather.  If he ever encountered a midget, he would have to take pains to correct himself.  They consider “midget” a slur.  Their vaginas and assholes are as deep as a normal sized woman’s, he had learned.

He’d been laid off six weeks ago and had accomplished nothing in that time, but that was fine.  He’d accomplished nothing at work either and at least now he wasn’t being brutalized by assholes.  He wasn’t stealing from anybody, or killing people. His old job had been in insurance and he’d spent the day fucking people over.  Getting to zero was a net gain for the world.

Work was gone but there was still the same sense of urgency, just about bullshit now.  The gas bill was due, the phone bill was due.  Or rather, so far past due that Verizon sent texts with important new information about urgent changes to your account.  Give us money.  The DMV had important information about his auto registration, which was that it had been suspended because Progressive hadn’t sent along the required confirmation of insurance.  To re-register, give us money.  Progressive hadn’t sent the papers to the DMV because his bill was precisely one minute past due.  Their text said sorry that you left us.  Sorry that you left us, give us money.  Fuck you, pay me, was all every letter and text and phone call ever said.  If they actually used those words maybe he’d pay on time.  It would certainly make the mail more interesting. Continue reading