Tag Archives: my fucking job

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12 May

I need to get a new job.  And the sole criterion I am going to employ, rather than salary, potential for growth, intellectual fulfillment or any of that bullshit is whether girls work there.

Because that’s the only thing that matters. If you are where the pussy is, life is great.  If you are not where the pussy is, life is horrible. And friends, I am emphatically NOT where the fucking pussy is. For how little I am exposed to women, it is a god damn miracle that I ever get laid at all.  I must be a world record holder for opportunity/ pussy ratio.  Like a one-legged marathon runner.  Lots of guys get laid a lot more than me, but I am pulling a pretty god damn respectable time for hopping along with a fucking stump.

The problem is, the way our society is built– what you need to do to be “successful,”  to be “prosperous–”  the fruit is hanging so high that getting to the respectable middle consumes your whole life.  And it starts about forty five minutes after you come out of the womb. You need to work your ass off in high school and get into a good college. People talk about grade point average and SAT’s, you know– as though I worked hard, did well in school and killed that standardized test, now i’m going to get into a good college.  Bullshit.  All that stuff, those years of labor, homework and toil at the one time in your life when you have social and sexual access to fourteeen year old girls– all that just gets you to zero.  All that gets you to the point where you won’t be instantly eliminated from the first round of applicant pool. Continue reading →

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Diary: Steve Jobs Sucks Cocks in Hell

19 Mar

Ugh, thinking about work.  Thinking about work on a Sunday.  Not only that, but I better get off this journal and go do some actual fucking work.  On a Sunday.  Because I am a white collar professional in the United States of America in 2012.  Typically, in the past, a job with these sorts of demands would have a least paid you handsomely.  But now, everything is in decline. Every industry.  So we all gotta work harder, we gotta work longer, we gotta do more with less.  We gotta hustle. So many people want your job that you are constantly auditioning for your job. And yes, I know it’s better than getting your hands chopped off in some Sierra Leonian diamond mine at age ten.  My point is, only marginally. Continue reading →

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Diary 4/2/11: David Foster Wallace

6 Mar

I got the new David Foster Wallace. It doesn’t come out for a few weeks, so, I got it early. Because I am the type of person who can call swanky book agents and request early copies of high profile books because I can pretend I am interested in making it into a movie. So now I am taking this book everywhere. Hoping someone will notice. Hoping someone who is a) attractive, b) a woman, and c) between the ages of 18 and 33, will know a) who David Foster Wallace is, b) despite the fact that he is dead, he has a new book coming out, and c) that this book does not come out for two more weeks and therefore this man who is carrying it must be interesting and important.

This has never worked in the past. Particularly not with my galley of THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING that I conspicuously left on my end table for months before it was published, taking care to write the name of the book in sharpie on the unmarked ICM covers. Even though everyone says they love Joan Didion.

I think, for this to work, it would have to be something by David Sedaris. All girls say they love David Sedaris. In fact, every single girl in the entire internet dating universe lists their favorite book as “anything by David Sedaris.” So now I will have to find out when David Sedaris has a new book coming out, procure a copy from his agent for film and television rights consideration, and walk around town with whatever side says (book you’ve never heard of by David Sedaris,even though you love David Sedaris and know about everything he’s ever written) facing out, and then make quick eye contact with whatever attractive woman happens by and squints briefly in puzzlement at the cover. Which sucks, because Sedaris just had a new one, that one about animals, and he only comes out with a book like every three years.

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