My house is clean now, and I am profoundly uncomfortable in it. The girl did it. She even poured bleach in the toilet. Now it’s white. If I take a shit, it will leave a brown streak in the perfect white toilet and I will have to reach in there with a brush and scrub it off immediately. Then I will have to clean the brush. I will have to handle shit and caustic chemicals in order to not have the scarlet letter of my shit streaking the bowl, vividly bringing to her mind the image of me squeezing out Brussels sprout logs. The stove is now clean. I will have to furiously wipe it down after every spatter of spaghetti sauce because of this. Because it’s clean, now you have to keep it clean. Constant work and vigilance. How do people live like this.
Coffee Shop Diary: The Shitter
13 MarI have to piss. You are never going to be able to piss in this coffee shop. The rest room key has not once been on its appointed hook. Other people ask about it, but you know the score. “Someone must be in there.” Someone must be in there taking the longest shit in human history. They have one of those diseases where the organs liquefy and they are shitting them out one inch at a time. Someone won’t leave the bowl till his asshole’s dry and he’s reading Infinite Jest taking care to study the footnotes within footnotes. Someone is building a supercomputer out of his own shit, or a life sized statue of Napoleon. No one, no human being, could ever, for any legitimate reason, stay in a coffee shop bathroom that long. What kind of person shits in a coffee shop. What kind of monster. We’re all puttering around drinking hot liquids, we all have to piss, and you’re in there crafting a flock of origami swans out of C fold paper towels, you motherfucker. And another guy just asked about it. Now he gets to go in before me, if this shitter ever emerges. Great. No doubt he’s got a hot sauce burrito log to squeeze out too. They are all shitting in coffee shops, these huns. Whatever happened to take a quick piss and you’re out. Fuck anyone who even washes their hands. Pussies.
New Book
delicioustacos 