The Filth

7 May

My house is clean now, and I am profoundly uncomfortable in it. The girl did it. She even poured bleach in the toilet. Now it’s white. If I take a shit, it will leave a brown streak in the perfect white toilet and I will have to reach in there with a brush and scrub it off immediately. Then I will have to clean the brush. I will have to handle shit and caustic chemicals in order to not have the scarlet letter of my shit streaking the bowl, vividly bringing to her mind the image of me squeezing out Brussels sprout logs. The stove is now clean. I will have to furiously wipe it down after every spatter of spaghetti sauce because of this. Because it’s clean, now you have to keep it clean. Constant work and vigilance. How do people live like this.

7 Responses to “The Filth”

  1. beadamnman May 7, 2013 at 2:04 pm #

    I feel your pain. My gf is continuously fucking up my hard won patina. A thin layer of memories is better than a blank slate. Truth.

  2. dressyarson May 7, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

    You use those bleach pellet things and the shit streaks go away themselves. You just have to make sure you put a new bleach thing as soon as the mold starts to grow. And scrub off the mold as soon as it appears. Wipe down your stove every time you use it. It takes one paper towel maybe sometimes a squirt of Fantastic. This is not hard.

    • liam May 7, 2013 at 2:52 pm #

      i need more tips like this

    • dressyarson May 7, 2013 at 3:42 pm #

      Don’t brush your teeth in facing the bathroom mirror. Face another direction or go somewhere else. 90% of mirror filth is spray from brushing. For the shower, buy a scrub brush with a long handle. Keep it in the shower and whenever there’s a little bit of mold or whenever scrub it away before, during, or after showering. Any faucets that leak will cause mold to form–dry sinks and tubs stay much cleaner longer. (Call maintenance.) If you leave towels on the floor they will get moldy and require washing. If you hang them and let them air dry, they’ll be useable for quite a while. (I’ve found some people actually don’t know this.) If you keep a tiny dust pan and brush in the bathroom and kitchen it’s easy to quickly sweep up all of the hair, dust, etc. A lot easier than dragging out the vacuum cleaner. Generally speaking, if you can make cleaning convenient, it will get done more often.

      It is way easier to clean dishes immediately after using them. I use my dishwasher as a sort of wet cabinet for storing stuff I just washed, and that I regularly use. (Never turned it on.) Personally, I’m a proponent of plastic forks and paper plates for whenever I’m not eating with someone else and/or not eating something fancy. Coffee mugs and glasses are instantly cleaned with a sort of cylinder-shaped sponge on a stick available anywhere. A strict rule about never leaving anything in the sink means your kitchen is mostly clean all the time.

      Just a few things off the top of my head. There’s more.

      • liam May 9, 2013 at 3:16 pm #

        Haha awesome, will be putting these to use.Can’t get the hang of all this cleaning malarkey now im living on my own. Plastic plates here I come.

  3. Anonymous May 7, 2013 at 4:09 pm #

    Are you afraid of blank slates?

    Maybe use this time to answer the “Who are you?” question.

  4. Johnny Caustic May 7, 2013 at 8:03 pm #

    Have you ever thought of trying standup comedy? I think this post would work really well as part of a routine. The closing sentence made me laugh out loud.

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