Everybody Thinks

it’s so easy for everybody else.

I was at a party.  A party full of gays. Me and a gay guy were talking about dating, and he said something to the effect of: “well it must be great for you, because you’re a straight guy in LA.  You can get whatever you want whenever you want.”

WHAT THE FUCK????!!!!  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  Does this guy not know?  Has he not seen every single party and bar and restaurant and grocery store line, ever, in Los Angeles?   There is never an attractive enough to fuck girl ever, and if there is she has a boyfriend, or there are three of them and 10,000 guys, or there is one by herself but she is creeped out at the prospect of even looking at you. And of course he’s never been on one of these online dates  where it seemed like it was going pretty good until you went for the makeout halfway in and she turned her fucking cheek toward you, because it turns out she is new to online dating and hasn’t yet gotten the memo about how the plan is we show up, we drink, we fuck.  She thinks it’s going to be some old-timey courtship from the antebellum South where maybe you get a kiss on the third date if her chaperone nods off after a mint julep on the porch, and then I high five the slaves on my way out.

Anyway, yeah, he thought it was easy.  Like there are so many desperate attractive single women out there that they should just be falling into my lap– which they should be, in a just world.  But of course not.  And I thought– I mean, he’s gay.  There’s a reason all the billboards in my neighborhood say “DRINK THIS BEER” or “SEE THIS MOVIE,” and all the ones in his say “GO GET TESTED FOR AIDS AND HEP C.” l thought you guys just looked a stranger in the eye, maybe shook hands, and then went and fucked rawdog up against a urinal.  I thought all gay men fucked all other gay men, that they lived in a world where everybody could just acknowledge that they’re horny and, you know, everybody could just fuck.  And they all hang out together and there’s tons of fresh meat being pumped into the social circle at all times, fresh young boys coming to LA to get away from their overbearing Iowa sheriff father constantly telling them they’re going to Hell.  I thought the gays had it easy.

But of course they don’t.  Because where I see tons of dudes between the ages of eighteen and twenty nine down to fuck at all times, they see bald, or pudgy, or stupid, or annoying.  They see pain in the ass queens who listen to Lady Gaga, which even some gays will agree with me is novelty music for retarded children.  When they go to the grocery store they see that all the guys are straight, or the gay ones are fat, or have boyfriends, or can’t hold up their end of the conversation or etc etc. And so in this sea of oversized eligible cock they see nothing.  We both see LA as the same dry hole, requiring us to claw out a piss-trickle of muddy silt to slake our sad desperate needs.

And they see tons of chicks around them, but they aren’t seeing them with a discriminating eye, because if gay guys could tell what’s beautiful we wouldn’t have gangly freaks with collarbones like pterodactyls in all our magazines.  So they see tons of chicks, and they’re not looking for signs that the girl has a boyfriend; they don’t hear it get dropped in the first sentence of conversation; they don’t see that these girls are just bland useless dishonest pains in the ass, because they’re not paying attention. To him who doesn’t want pussy, the universe is swimming in pussy.

And it must be like that for girls too.  Because they see their friends who can’t get dates and you know, they’re eligible, right?  Only the most jaded and hardhearted girls can see that their friends are fat boring whores.  So they must think there’s this giant glut of great pussy out there, because hey, she’s single, I’m single. And they don’t see the same massive tsunami of cock I see when I go out because they’re only seeing the guys they give a shit about.  Not the short guys, the bald guys, the shy guys, the unfashionable guys– those guys are invisible to them.  They can walk into a bar that’s 90 per cent male and say “there are no guys here!’

I wonder if I do the same thing.  Are there women all around me and I don’t notice them.  Women who– like, I say I want a girl who can make a snappy comeback, who knows about all kinds of nature and literature and shit, but what I really mean is: I want a girl who is like that but who is also under 25 and has big tits. I want a girl who is like that but also has pretty eyes and a small nose and doesn’t take antidepressants and basically has no shortcomings but I want her to have the perspicacity to see past my shortcomings.  Because I’m so god damn fucking special.  Like when women say they want a guy who is kind, spiritual and smart, what they mean is a guy who is over five feet ten who is these things. Or better say five feet eleven because guys lie.  I want a guy with a job I can tell my friends about who is these things.  I want a guy who is not bald who is these things. That’s why this big city thing kind of sucks, you have so many options, you know, you just whittle them down until they seem to be nothing.