Reader Mailbag: How to Be Attractive to Women

15 Feb

(REDACTED) asks:

Long time lurker, first time poster. Needless to say, I love your writing. My question is, “As a guy, what should I do short-term and long-term to increase my attractiveness to the opposite sex?” Please answer the converse question about what a woman can do to increase her attractiveness. Don’t give obvious answers like “hit the gym.”

Well, look, do hit the gym.  Don’t forget how shallow women are, in case you think they’re not.  Women are great about systematically lying to themselves and everyone else about everything, and they have this collective con set up where we think they care most about confidence, personality, etc.  Women and men are much more alike in shallowness than people seem to think– women like a chiseled jaw, a small nose, pumpkinseed shaped deltoids, visible obliques, etc. etc.  The standards for an attractive male body are much more exacting than they are for women.  You better have less than ten per cent body fat, which is physically not so tough but psychologically impossible to maintain unless you take speed.  But get close.  Do hit the gym.  Make yourself look as good and stylish as you possibly can.

And then there’s the whole other part.  Things having to do with extroversion and self-assurance and etc., which all boils down to: the way to be attractive to women is to already be fucking other women.  I get that it’s kind of hard to separate cause and effect here– maybe the guys who are fucking other women are just intrinsically more attractive, but— I don’t know, I’m gonna get religious here for a second: I really do believe they can “smell it on you.”  Walk into a party with a hot chick and walk in solo and see the difference in the way other women treat you. Just like you have to have seed money to get rich, you have to already be getting laid to get laid.

So, if you’re not getting laid, what do you do?  Basically you are starting out as a panhandler with nothing and you have to work your way up to being Bill Gates- what the fuck do you do?  Well, step one is handled: get on the internet. Internet dating is the greatest invention of all time— better than the wheel, the internal combustion engine, fusion, etc.  Fusion never got me any ass. Get on the internet and start by fucking a couple women who are less attractive than you.

Just like you have to go on a couple “warm up “ interviews for shitty jobs you don’t want before going after the big one, you have to have the date-to-fuck process down by rote before you can go after an actually attractive woman. Go find a girl with an acceptable but not scary-hot picture and profile, shoot her an email, get the phone #, etc.  Don’t ever half ass the email; don’t use a form letter, even if you think you’re going bottom-of-the-barrel.  Every element of this process is practice.  First email is a two or three sentence wisecrack; she’ll email back continuing your same joke.  Second email ignore what she says and ask for the phone number.  Phone call, shoot the shit for ten minutes and set up the date.

Take her to a place near your apartment that serves red wine, and have a bottle on the table when she gets there. Get there early and have the chairs arranged so she has to sit perpendicular to you– this is unbelievably important.  I have never once had success when the girl is sitting across from me.  Go to a place with no music, or soft music, so there are no distractions from your enthralling anecdotes delivered in a rich soothing baritone not unlike that of Walter Cronkite.

You should smoke cigarettes occasionally. If you don’t smoke, you better start, because moving the girl away from the table is key to your makeout move.  You should have selected girls who smoke, or smoke occasionally, or smoke “when drinking—“ girls who never smoke are much less likely to fuck you. First cigarette break is 20-30 minutes in; lead her out by the arm to the sidewalk and just shoot the shit a little more.  You can break a touch barrier here- get her to lean into you when she’s laughing at something.

Second cigarette break is when you go for the makeout.  Just look at her, lean in, and kiss her, regardless of what’s going on with the cigarettes. This almost always results in a hot, passionate semi-public makeout, and if it doesn’t you have no shot and never did.  Then break it off after a few minutes and head back to the table and sit down and talk like it never happened.  But, now that you are smartly sitting perpendicular to her, you can kind of slip your knee in between her thighs a little.  She will put her hot palm on your leg.  You have a very strong possibility of a first date lay at this point.

When the wine is gone, ask where she parked and walk her back to her car.  At some point you are just going to come out and ask “you want to come back with me?”  No preamble, no hedging, no hesitating and filibustering when you are obviously going to ask this question. Just say it.  It can be before or after further making out, but just say it. If it’s a no, keep making out with her.  But don’t ask her to come back again.  Keep making out and get in her car with her and odds are you will have a crazy junior high hookup where your dick will be out in a parked car under a streetlight and you’re praying that a cop doesn’t come by.  Also, if it’s a no, get a second date, which is you cooking dinner at your house.  Tell her you’re roasting a chicken on Sunday.  Her saying “yes” to this is guaranteed ass.

So that’s getting laid, and getting laid is what makes you attractive. But in terms of getting women to like you for who you are and want to be in a relationship with you- how the fuck would I know?

3 Responses to “Reader Mailbag: How to Be Attractive to Women”

  1. Anonymous March 6, 2012 at 10:38 pm #

    listen to ella fitzgerald.
    eat chocolate.

  2. Constance Kent August 9, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

    I agree young women are also very concerned that a man be attractive, but what a woman finds attractive might be different from what a man assumes. Back when I was young and dumb and beautiful I was very discriminating about a potential male partner’s physical appearance, but guys that “hit the gym” too much looked phony and uncool to me. I was always drawn to the guys who were slim but not too muscled, had long hair, expressive eyes… and smelled good. And perfect hygiene, but not too groomed. The point is, you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard.

  3. Constance Kent August 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm #

    Other than that, I think your “seduction technique” sounds like a winner. It would probably have worked on me.

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