Tag Archives: cigarettes

You Should Message Me If

10 Mar

You have to live in Echo Park.  Or at least not fucking Venice, I mean come on.  You can’t be an actress.  You can’t not smoke.  At least, you can’t be one of those girls who won’t even take a drag after three glasses of wine.  Because if you’re one of them, I know you’ll never fuck me.  You have to be better looking than me.  You have to be downright good looking, even though I am not that good looking.  I am in crazy shape though.  I don’t give a shit if you’re out of shape.  I’m not going to ask you to lift anything.

I don’t give a shit about your money, job or car.  But you may give a shit about my money, job and car.  I have no money, a shitty job, and my car is worth $800.  It’s primer colored, and the seat belt, windows, sunroof and A/C are all broken.  Or rather, the A/C works but only when it’s not hot.  And someone jacked my stereo.   And the car is older than you.  You have to be younger than my car.

I don’t care what you think of my cat but you can’t be allergic to cats.  I care about your relationship with your dog, meaning—shut the fuck up about your dog.  I like dogs but I don’t like you if you have too many pictures of your dog.  Believe me, the fucking thing is sick of being your boyfriend.  Stop putting up pictures of him. I will not be dating your dog. Unless I’m sure you’re good and passed out.

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Reader Mailbag: How to Be Attractive to Women

15 Feb

(REDACTED) asks:

Long time lurker, first time poster. Needless to say, I love your writing. My question is, “As a guy, what should I do short-term and long-term to increase my attractiveness to the opposite sex?” Please answer the converse question about what a woman can do to increase her attractiveness. Don’t give obvious answers like “hit the gym.”

Well, look, do hit the gym.  Don’t forget how shallow women are, in case you think they’re not.  Women are great about systematically lying to themselves and everyone else about everything, and they have this collective con set up where we think they care most about confidence, personality, etc.  Women and men are much more alike in shallowness than people seem to think– women like a chiseled jaw, a small nose, pumpkinseed shaped deltoids, visible obliques, etc. etc.  The standards for an attractive male body are much more exacting than they are for women.  You better have less than ten per cent body fat, which is physically not so tough but psychologically impossible to maintain unless you take speed.  But get close.  Do hit the gym.  Make yourself look as good and stylish as you possibly can.

And then there’s the whole other part.  Things having to do with extroversion and self-assurance and etc., which all boils down to: the way to be attractive to women is to already be fucking other women.  I get that it’s kind of hard to separate cause and effect here– maybe the guys who are fucking other women are just intrinsically more attractive, but— I don’t know, I’m gonna get religious here for a second: I really do believe they can “smell it on you.”  Walk into a party with a hot chick and walk in solo and see the difference in the way other women treat you. Just like you have to have seed money to get rich, you have to already be getting laid to get laid. Continue reading →

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