Everybody Relax

15 Dec
image stolen from allleftturns.com

image stolen from allleftturns.com

You will be raped. Your children will be sex trafficked. You will be denied Equal Pay by a White Male. Sexually harassed by a White Male. Sent an inappropriate OKCupid message by a White Male. A White Hetcis Male, to be clear. The gays are OK. You will be stranger raped. Flailing with your keys sticking out between your fingers like they taught you in self defense class. It does nothing. They didn’t teach you how to throw a punch to begin with. When I can walk down the street without fear we will be equal, you say as you recoil from a house spider. You will be catcalled. White Males will shout at you on the street. You will be raped. You will be date raped, gray raped, you will be date rape drugged. You or your children will be sweet talked into drinking Everclear and group fingerfucked by the White Male football team. Your rapist will be someone you know and trust. The call is coming from inside the house. He will rape you with his Rape Culture. Your White Male boss will sexually harass you. Strip you of your equal pay. The White Males in congress will throw WOC’s and genderqueers in rape camps. If you don’t know what “WOC” means you are a rapist. You will be oppressed until no film, TV show or magazine adequately reflects your point of view. The writing staff of your favorite series will be understocked with Black and Latina women. The network made a whole diversity program and everything. Then all they did was hire one Korean broad out of Harvard. You will be raped. Yoga pants will not be available in your size forever. You will cry out on the internet. And a man, a man, a White Male will tweet something at you in response. Something mean. A rape threat. A death threat. You will be raped and murdered and raped by raping rapists on Twitter by tweets and comments and trolls. Check your privilege, you cry vainly. You will shout your pain into the wind as you are raped.

You will be falsely accused of rape. A woman you had consensual sex with capriciously changes her mind. Because a text you sent was Beta. She calls the White Knight cops. Her word against yours. You will be White Knighted by giant Knights who are not White. Your teeth kicked in. You will go to jail. You will be raped in jail. Or you’ll get off, but you’ll be pilloried on the internet. Your name and picture posted. Fired and unhirable; everyone will think you’re a rapist. You will be divorce raped. Your wife will get the house and money you don’t have but plan to. She’ll have another man’s baby but you’ll have to pay for it. You will be called to HR for sexual harassment. For complimenting eye shadow. For a joke on your coffee mug deemed cisnormative. You will be flayed alive by Lesbian Negro Liberal Arts Majors. They will greedily cannibalize your ball sac. Make an example of you. They will put your head on a stick as a warning to the other White Males. The first step toward Global Genderqueer Hottentot Totalitarian Communism. You will be reversed racismed. You will be court mandated by activist judges to marry an elderly obese woman. Obama forces you to pay for her teeming half negro brood with your precious bitcoin horde. The one you plan to earn applying STEM knowledge to the North Dakota oil fields. As soon as you log off of the forum.

Everybody relax.

We are not at war.

11 Responses to “Everybody Relax”

  1. Soinclined December 15, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    Nope. I’ll simply go back to flyover country where 75% of these words mean nothing (and never will) way before it gets to that point.

  2. Jaymo Dollar Sign December 15, 2013 at 9:25 pm #

    Someone more enterprising than I should take this post and dig up a % rate each of these little horror stories occurs at.

    • Soinclined December 15, 2013 at 10:40 pm #

      I hear you. The Internet is basically a big ol’ Confirmation Bias Machine, where everything that happens is Somebody Else’s Fault, and there’s a diminishing pool of acceptable Others to blame it on.

      They’re forced to fall back on a few perennial favorites, like those damned whites.

  3. aaronthejust December 16, 2013 at 8:28 am #

    The fascinating thing about this list is that virtually everything cited as life’s most horrific fear could have been avoided by the “victim”.

  4. kidstrangelove December 16, 2013 at 5:59 pm #

    This post is awesome

  5. Anonymous December 29, 2013 at 12:11 am #

    Did you finally get a fucking job or not?

  6. subject-verb agreement January 2, 2014 at 12:18 pm #

    this could be a powerful spoken word piece. you should do that and post it.

    • A Hottentot January 7, 2014 at 3:44 am #

      I second that.


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