Reader Mailbag: Ringing in the New Year

31 Dec
image stolen from also, katherine heigl is a twat.

image stolen from also, katherine heigl is a twat.

“AJ” writes:

Reader Mailbag:

New Year’s Eve in LA/Echo Park… 

– Do you hit up El Prado or elsewhere?

– Things that have happened to you in the past. 

– Expectations for this year. 



– Do you hit up El Prado or elsewhere?

I don’t know. I might go to Red Lion, there’s a thing. I might go to Short Stop, right down the hill. Gravity. But both those places will be amateur hour. Both will be packed with more cock than a tub of chicken salad. What I need is a house party. Like last year. I thought New Years was gonna suck but Astrid found this place where– get this– half the people were women. Some of them were attractive. Imagine! I boned a girl in a band who looked like that National Geographic “Faces of Afghanistan” cover. In the morning she played me her music. It was actually good. Still, I blew her off.

That same guy is having a party again this year. I’m banned from his house though. Astrid tells me he gets jealous when other guys get women. I know exactly how you feel, but still– fuck off, Patrick.

So it’s a bar on New Years. What a fucking drag. Astrid won’t come out with me. She says it’s because of money but it’s because she has a boyfriend. And because this is the year we both got old. Something about the night we had a four way with those black Lesbians on pharmaceutical speed and muscatel, when the “man” Lesbian tried to have me arrested and then me and Astrid got in a fistfight in the street and I chased her like Jason fucking Voorhees and she was screaming at random people in cars that I was trying to kill her, and no one helped her Kitty Genovese ass, and she had to walk ten miles back to Van Nuys drunk and crashing off speed and a Mexican pulled over in a pickup truck and tried to rape her– something in there made her want to live more responsibly. Me too. No more drunk nights, I told myself. No more filthy skanks. No more drugs. Clean up and get a job and watch TV like everybody else. All that happened was I started drinking alone.

This was the year I got old. It suits me. I was born to be a bitter drunk old man. Those years of youth and vigor looked ridiculous on me, like a suit three sizes too big. This was the year my body caught up.

Anyway, New Years. I’m gonna go to a bar but I don’t want to. The streets will be filled with aggressive meatheads and the odds of getting pussy are the same as getting hit by a meteor. You have to know somebody. You have to run into somebody who has kind of wanted to fuck you in the past and is now drunk enough to do it. Or to find somebody new you have to plant a seed early and then ride the logistics bull all night. Track her out of the corner of your eye. Don’t hang on too much and blow yourself out; don’t disappear so much that she forgets you. Then you have to be there and have her be separate from her friends and the ten million other dudes trying to get a piece in that one hairsbreadth of a moment when the fuck decision is made. Buzzer at a tie game. You lob a shot from across the whole fuckin court. What a nightmare. New Years Eve, you have to hunt pussy. I’m a scavenger.

Or you could go out and reconnect with old friends, have conversations, etc. But who the fuck needs that. The only reason to leave the house is new ass.

– Things that have happened to you in the past.

Not a bad year. I got fired from a job that I hated. Parted ways with a boss who, if I heard he flipped his Prius and died in flames, I would laugh. I was broke. Wasted a lot of time. But I wrote two things I was proud of. Also a bunch of other shit I was not proud of that became popular. I fucked some girls. I have to struggle to remember them. Not because I’m some ass slaying stud but because who cares anymore. This was the year pussy became boring. It used to be a feast and now it’s prison food. Nutri-loaf you choke down grudgingly to keep your sorry carcass moving. Maybe they just weren’t hot enough.

Some other shit happened, I don’t know. I remember things in my life by reading old posts. You know as much as I do.

– Expectations for this year. 

Well, I have to get a job. Either I have to turn my part time shit full time or I gotta go be a secretary. They cut off unemployment. I’m one of the 1.3 million Americans you hear about on the radio. The good news is I spent enough time doing the part time shit that deals I brought in have closed. I represent actual money to my boss. Attained the American dream of being well-exploited labor. So there’s that. Also started picking up dough writing guys’ OKCupid profiles and messages for them. Ladies, if you get a guy in your inbox who sounds just like me, it’s me.

Here’s what I want: a job that doesn’t kill me. Get out of debt. Drink less. Smoke less. Lift weights more. Write more. Publish more. Get laid about the same amount but one of them turns out to be funny as shit and a good writer and we settle down. Open relationship so I can keep boning whatever ethnicity she isn’t. Or not, who gives a shit. My need for a girlfriend is obviated by pets and TV.

I expect it’ll all happen. But who fucking knows. You can’t chase shit, you’ll only fuck it up that way. Stay alive and hope joy finds you by accident.

13 Responses to “Reader Mailbag: Ringing in the New Year”

  1. Soinclined December 31, 2013 at 8:44 pm #

    That’s pretty much it, right there. We don’t live at this point, it’s more that we go through the motions, following a well-worn track like those fucking ants on NatGeo.

    You see the recognition of it in the corners of the eye on old men like us when you tell them “Happy New Year”. Every year is shorter than the one before it, so much so that by now it’s hardly experienced as a full year, we don’t know anymore what would make us happy or even if we could still actually feel that way…and not one goddamn thing is ever, ever going to be New again.

  2. Lord Highbow January 1, 2014 at 9:14 am #

    Dude, I don’t know how ‘old’ old means to you, but I’m in my late 30’s, went to the pub for NYE on my own, drank way too much beer and whiskey, watched a heap of great bands, met a lot of cool dudes, chatted up a bunch of broads and had a great time! It was one of the best New Years I’ve ever had. I don’t even remember leaving the place. I woke up the next day thinking ‘How the hell did I get home?’

    Life is made for living, my brother. Sleep when you’re dead.

  3. Ben January 1, 2014 at 11:41 am #


    Love your writing. Love it so much I save a copy to my computer to re-read in times when there’s no wi-fi to connect to your site. Love it so much I’ve spent at least 2-3 hours reading your stuff. Very relatable. No homo. Reading your stories have helped me in immeasurable ways. Especially the “don’t kill yourself” one.

    That said, it was refreshing to see this new post. Good thoughts. Going through the same “goals” mentally — drink less, smoke less, less self-destructive behavior/thoughts, exercise more, eat healthier, write more, publish.

    This is going to sound like bitch-ass advice, but have you tried looking for work through linkedin? When you have a linkedin profile they automatically start sending you emails about job openings that match your skills. Reputable small-to-large size companies. Also, has lots of listings, you’ve probably been there. Personally I hate all that linkedin/facebook/social networking stuff, but the end justifies the means if you need to find a decently paying gig to stay alive so you can attract, but not chase, new ass. Keyword is “stay alive” and have that basic foundation, not necessarily to attract them by how cool or how high paying your job is. Fuck that.

    “you are not your job.”
    “you are not the contents of your wallet.”

    Sometimes you gotta reset, change things up. That flip of the calendar from one year to the next is a good opportunity for that.


  4. Christy January 1, 2014 at 11:51 pm #

    I hope the girl you boned looked like the “before” version:

    • Potential Riposte January 4, 2014 at 6:28 am #

      Dear God, she looks like a man now.

  5. Christy January 1, 2014 at 11:53 pm #

    Oh, also: don’t sweat the unemployment, they’re almost certainly going to pass at least a 3 month extension on January 6th or shortly thereafter.

  6. ... January 2, 2014 at 5:57 am #

    So, what did you finally do on NYE? Got lucky??

  7. Dr. Murray F. Rottencrotch January 2, 2014 at 11:51 am #

    They cut of *Federal* unemployment, si? Well, all you know is YOU’RE fucked. Which, by your own wholesale admission, you likely deserve.

    Anyway, I don’t want to sound insensitive. You’ll find a way to get paid and live, faggot.

  8. Anonymous January 3, 2014 at 4:19 am #

    When did (REDACTED) turn into Astrid?

    • delicioustacos January 3, 2014 at 9:25 am #

      When we found out “Buttaids Mcpenisfart” was taken.

      • Anonymous January 5, 2014 at 1:45 am #

        As if you hadn’t known that, Tim.


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