Reader Mailbag: How to Suck a Dick

5 Mar

“Anonymous” writes:

I don’t have any specific questions about sex, but I suspect lots of people would appreciate advice/instructions from both of you on how to…do stuff well.

Personally I want blow job advice and general advice like sounds and stuff.

Help us internet loners out.

All right.  How to give a blowjob.

1)    Eat the fucking cum.

Just fucking eat it.  I was getting blown just recently, actually, and as soon as I started actually popping off the girl pulled her head back, aghast, and left me to nut unstimulated into my own navel.  This woman was thirty two years old.  An actress/ waitress.  Unless she is some weird prudish aberration, she has sucked a lot of dicks.  She has had a lot of cum shot in her mouth.  But she pulled her head back—which means she was the kind of girl who, in college, would look you in the eye as she was about to go down and suck your dick and say “tell me if you’re about to cum, OK?”  OK.  They’re never saying that so they can suddenly enhance the experience by giving you an even better blowjob just as you are about to bust that sublime nut– it’s always so they can squeamishly pull away at the last second.  So they can switch from a delightful blowjob to a halfhearted and insulting handjob, because they have a girlish revulsion from “gross” things like the fluid they are trying to suck out of your dick.

Just eat the fucking cum.  I don’t know why I even care about this– when I’m watching porn and jacking off, for instance, the instant the first drop of jizz leaves my dick I am instantaneously disgusted by the hideous lube-shiny nuts waving in the camera flopping around outside some starlet’s bleached, distended asshole.  But for some reason a blowjob is the only time you care what happens after you ejaculate.  Even if you take it in your mouth and then get that distressed look and hurry out to spit it in the sink- no.  That is half-assing it.  Maybe it’s not so much part of the sexual experience.  Maybe I’m just disappointed in you.

But don’t show it to me—don’t like burble it around on your tongue and look in my eyes and smile, either.  This is like the sniveling office worker who’s always piping up for credit to his boss with every mundane accomplishment.  Just eat it, silently, without fanfare, like it’s something you’re expected to do and you accept and while you might not be happy about it, it’s like paying the bills. Just eat the fucking cum.

2)    Stay away from my urethra.

This kind of falls under the larger heading of “stay away from fancy shit.”  Don’t do that tongue butterfly thing, and especially don’t do it around my dickhole.  Don’t do anything around my dickhole, ever.  Don’t touch my dickhole, don’t think about my dickhole, don’t make eye contact with my dickhole—a lot of girls will want to showily flick their tongue around because they’ve seen it in porn.  On the rest of your dick, this feels like nothing, and then ninety nine percent of the time the tip of their tongue will slightly part the little slit at the tip of your helmet and suddenly feel like you’re getting catheterized.  Don’t lick around my dick except at the very beginning, where you are saucily communicating that “I am about to give you a blowjob.”  Just keep my dick in your mouth and suck it.  Which brings us to:

3)    Just keep my dick in your mouth and suck it. 

Girls love to get their hands involved in the blowjob.  They love doing that twisty handjob thing with your dick all wet from spit, and yes, this actually feels pretty good as long as a good part of your dick is also in their mouth. But they also love taking frequent breaks from actually sucking the dick and looking up at you and smiling while still doing that stupid twisty handjob—and they think this is a substitute for continuously sucking the dick.  It is not.  It is transparent laziness, like an employee who takes a coffee break every fifteen minutes.  Ultimately I don’t give a shit what you are doing or not doing with your hands– you have no idea how to handle a dick manually and you never will.  I cannot get my dick in my own mouth, and that is what I need you for.

4)    Stay away from my balls.

I was reading some dude’s memoir about a gay experience in his youth.  Two fourteen year old dudes rolling around playing Atari or something and the one guy reached into the writer’s pants, and he said something like “he touched my balls with a tenderness that only a man would have.  Because only a man understands how sensitive your balls are.” Which, yes. You cannot understand.

I mean, go ahead and do that tongue flicking thing that feels like nothing on my balls. But don’t put them in your mouth. Don’t you dare come anywhere near them with your hands.  You have no fucking idea what pain balls are capable of, with even the slightest misstep.  I don’t care if you’ve given birth, had third degree burns over ninety per cent of your body, had a compound fracture with your thighbone sticking out and then a hyena came and chewed on it and his tongue was made of fire ants—you have no fucking idea.  Playing with my balls is like playing with nitro glycerine, and will turn shit from hot to trauma at the flick of a switch. Playing with balls, you have the tiger by the tail. You are flying too close to the sun.  Etc.  Don’t do it.

So what should you do?  I don’t fucking know.  Open your mouth real wide so your teeth don’t drag, suck the dick as firmly as you can, and move your head in a rhythmic motion up and down.  If you can’t sustain this for a long period of time, jump on top of the guy and fuck him.  Nothing else really has any effect– none of this tongue shit, this hand shit– when you are sucking a dick, you should be sucking a fucking dick.  If you can’t do that, you better learn a musical instrument.

7 Responses to “Reader Mailbag: How to Suck a Dick”

  1. Anonymous March 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    great work !!! you jizz FAGGGGGOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTT T

    • delicioustacos March 6, 2012 at 9:28 am #

      Thanks! I suppose I can only blame myself for setting the level of discourse.

  2. Drew April 24, 2012 at 11:06 am #

    Spot on my friend! The (I’m blowing you but really just jerking you off in my mouth) never ceases to infuriate me. Ladies- THIS IS NOT A BLOWJOB!!

  3. Anonymous April 27, 2012 at 11:55 pm #

    Wow. Ive been doing it wrong this whole time. Thanks for your honesty. I’m now gonna suck the hell outta some cock

  4. Christy June 27, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    “… because they have a girlish revulsion from “gross” things …” – Yeah, that’s not why… I’m assuming you’ve never tasted cum or the title of this section would have a please somewhere or at least be apologetic for the disgusting blob of goo that’s about to get shot down their throat. If and when you find someone that is willing to swallow or even have your cum inside her mouth for any length of time, you should hang on to her and appreciate the dedication that it takes and not assume it’s just like paying bills. Usually, by that point in a blowjob, we’re pretty fucking queasy – between the amazing bouquets of tastes and smells and the constant shoving of our heads down and you gagging us throughout. Swallowing will most likely result in a pool of vomit, and as fragile as your ego sounds, it might be worse than nutting unstimulated into your own navel.

  5. Brandy Ferguson April 18, 2014 at 4:06 pm #

    Well, its all I do. I cant get a guy to have sex with me no matter what I do.

  6. Anonymous April 3, 2015 at 12:27 pm #

    Ladies don’t listen to this moron he has no idea what he is talking about.

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