Internet Dating in General

22 Mar

Yes, it sucks. Yes it sucks.  It sucks if you’re a guy– you are gonna send out tons of messages and get nothing back; no one ever looks at you; you are gonna be sending messages to the same three cute girls with a weight classification of “fit” or “thin” as everybody else and they have their pick and can flake on your in a heartbeat and there’s nothing you can do about it.  It makes people more picky, so, if you are under five foot ten, beause she likes to wear four inch heels regularly and needs someone who is substantially taller than her while she is wearing these indispensable four inch heels, you are fucked.  If you are bald and you hide it, you are fucked after the first date when your stupid fucking miniature fedora finally comes off.  If you are bald and you don’t hide it, you are fucked before the first date.  If you don’t have money, youre fucked; if you do have money, you can’t mention it without coming off like a douche, and being fucked.  You are fucked. And there is no hope.

It sucks if you’re a girl— if you’re hot, your inbox is like holding a Dixie cup under a god damn tsunami; your inbox is going to be instantly flooded  with ill-prepared come-ons from losers who despite your all caps admonition to PLEASE READ MY PROFILE BEFORE YOU MESSAGE ME did not read your profile before messaging you and thus did not see your explicit request not to be messaged by guys under five foot ten or over forty, or by guys who can’t differentiate your and you’re and there, their and they’re, by guys who just say “hey gurl u r hot wanna kick it” or whatever the youths say these days; you are buried under so much loser noise that it’s a massive fucking chore to go in and cull the few messages from actual promising candidates, and even if there are any, like two in a thousand, they will still be just slightly off—and that’s even if there are any.  But there won’t be any.  And if you’re NOT hot– and this means if you are not between the ages of eighteen and twenty nine and self-described and extensively photographically documented as belonging to one of OKCupid’s two out of fifteen thinnest weight classes; if you don’t have basically perfect bone structure and a certain look about you that indicates that you are not some uptight Amish prig, no one wants you.  No one wants to date old people.  No one wants to date fat people.  No one wants to date ugly people, and they will go over your pictures like fucking CSI looking for evidence that you are secretly ugly, old or fat.  And if you are, no matter if they are too— you’re fucked.  So it’s either get so many messages from inarticulate dwarfs that weeding through them is like a second job, or nothing.

So internet dating is horrible and hopeless. BUT STILL.  What the fuck else are you gonna do?  Go out and meet people in real life?  You tried that, remember?  Unless you have a very specific set of conditions in your life– you work at a big enough place that there are multiple attractive available people whom you are forced to be around without a romantic pretext, and if you are a guy, you are in enough of a position of authority that the girls find you attractive.  If you are a girl, you are in enough of a position of non-authority that the guys find you attractive.  Unless you have a social circle chock full of single attractive people who are constantly throwing parties and going to museums or whateverthefuck, and they kind of rotate around dating each other, and there are not three or more people of the same sex as you who are more attractive in the group sucking up all the attention, you are fucked.  If you don’t have that pussy or dick farm naturally at work or in life, it ain’t happening.  The idea of meeting someone cold at a party or bar is fucking laughable.  So as much as this thing sucks, this internet, it is the only thing we have, and that one in a million shot where after endless toil and frustration you finally hit the sweet spot and the planets fucking align— it’s a fool’s hope, but it’s your only hope.

2 Responses to “Internet Dating in General”

  1. Hung One On You April 4, 2012 at 10:02 am #

    Great fucking post. So hilariously true. Love this line…

    “No one wants to date old people. No one wants to date fat people. No one wants to date ugly people, and they will go over your pictures like fucking CSI looking for evidence that you are secretly ugly, old or fat. And if you are, no matter if they are too— you’re fucked.”

    So god damn true and so god damn funny. You are only as hot as your worst photo.

  2. anarchyraliv August 12, 2012 at 3:31 pm #

    we are fucking doomed.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: