To the 35 Year Old Virgin

Go lose your virginity at a whorehouse.

Do it tonight. Forget about it being something “special.” You have been a virgin for 35 years- no matter what you do it is going to be “special.”

Think of your virginity as a cancerous growth on your face. It pops up at puberty, and at 13 it’s cute, like a beauty mark. But it slowly grows. By 17 it’s starting to look a little weird and people that still have it are at a social disadvantage. By 20 it’s malignant, with irregular borders and three huge Armenian chest hairs coming out of it. By thirty fucking five you have something that looks like it should be on Baron Harkonnen about to pop all over some poor slave and you need to get it cut off before it metastasizes to your brain.

So here’s what you’re going to do. There is a neighborhood in Fontana called “Felony Flats”. This is about a 45 minute drive outside L.A. Basically you’ll come to a whole district of cinder block buildings with big signs in front that say things like Osaka Massage and Kyoto Massage. These people will actually be Koreans, but let’s not split hairs. I applaud them for not giving a fuck that we think all Asians are alike. Pick any one of these places. They all have ample parking.

The front door will be a steel grate style like the athletic cage in high school- a place your fat ass never visited, so, like the athletic cage in a high school from a movie. Behind it will be a steely-eyed Asian man with whom you might not even exchange words- he might just hold out his hand. Give him $40. Forty in the door, and you’ll tip the girl sixty, but you don’t do that until after the whole thing is over. The man will lead you to a small cell-like room with a bed in it. It may double as a storehouse for disinfectant and Korean Bibles, seriously. Take all of your clothes off and lay down on the bed, with a towel (provided- do not bring your Spongebob Squarepants beach towel) over your dick. It is important that you take off your clothes right away- if you don’t the girl will know you have never been to a whorehouse before and may laugh at you, or try to extort you for more money. Do not ask how I know this.

In a few minutes, a young, attractive Asian woman will come in. She will smile and burble at you in incomprehensible gibberish. She will make a gesture for you to flip over on your stomach. Do so. From here on out, everything that happens will be completely controlled by her, and this is the way you want it.

She will start rubbing your back. She will give you the best massage of your life. She will run the tips of her long, straight hair over your back, buttocks and legs. She will tickle you with her fingertips the exact perfect amount so that it feels really good but isn’t quite intense enough that you laugh. This will go on for a long time. You will begin to wonder: did I come to the wrong place? Did I accidentally go to a legitimate massage parlor? Am I not going to get laid? No, this is what is supposed to happen.

Eventually she will start concentrating on stroking your butt. Playing around the crack a little. Then she will start gently tickling the back of your nut sack. At this time, make eye contact with her. She will smile and make the little “A OK” gesture and then put her index finger through it, representing your dick going into her pussy. She is asking “do you want to fuck?” If you have to think about the answer to this, please think back to GHOSTBUSTERS.

She will flip you over. Her tickling the back of your nuts will have made you hard. If she hasn’t already taken her dress off, she will, and you will notice that her pubes are impossibly long, black and straight. She will have a condom palmed like some magic trick and will put it on you with her mouth. Do not ejaculate.

She will start giving you what would be the best blow job of your life (or maybe the only one, who knows,) except being blown with a condom is pretty much completely worthless. Fucking with a condom is pretty much completely worthless too, but you’ll find that out later with “real” women.

After blowing you for a minute she will get on top of you and guide your dick into her pussy. This is one of the reasons it’s so important to go to a hooker- trying to get into the pussy when you don’t know how really is like that old Eddie Murphy joke where he needs a shoehorn. She will start moving around immediately. Take a moment. You are inside a pussy. Take a moment to mentally record every tiny detail of every sensation because it is like nothing else on this planet, and you will be accessing this information many times from your spank bank later. The masturbatory mileage you will get from this alone is worth ten times the $100 you’re putting out.

You are going to come too fast. You are probably going to come right away. If not, after a few minutes she will switch to doggy style, because girl on top and doggy style are the positions calculated to get disgusting hideous beasts like yourself off as soon as possible. You will ejaculate with the might of a thousand volcanoes. Now- do not get up. This is almost the best part. She will take the condom off you and gingerly wipe your dick down with tissue paper. No “real” girl will do this, although they should. No “real” girl will even angle herself slightly to the left to grab your jackrag off the side of the mattress for you unless prompted. After taking a minute to bask in the afterglow, this is where you give her the sixty bucks. Do not carry more than this with you, or at least don’t show it to her. Put your pants on, etc.

There. Was that so hard? You’re not a virgin anymore. Now let’s work on making you less of a fat disgusting abomination.