Diary: New Year’s Eve 2010– Never Tell Me the Odds

Fuck- anyway.  Going to Anne’s. I will not be fucking Anne. Right?  Or I mean, what if I will be fucking Anne? That would be awesome.  But I will not be fucking Anne.

I mean, she just broke up with a dude—what does this mean?  Why do I care? She is not going to be my girlfriend.  I don’t want her to be my girlfriend. But I would like to see her naked.

I’m excited just to spend time around other human beings.  Especially chicks, who—like, a lot of my friends are hot chicks.  But there is literally no chance of me fucking them.  An earthquake could happen, and they could be splayed out naked, and I could also be naked with a boner and a beam from some building could fall on top of us at a serendipitous angle and force my dick into them, but still somehow I would not be fucking them. Whereas, Anne, and that friend of hers, there is merely a 99.99999 % chance that I will not be fucking them.  Somehow this is exciting to me.  Like, if pussy were money, I would be the guy who spends the last dollar from his welfare check on scratch tickets.

Yeah, she is never going to fuck me.  But mayyyyybbbbeee… maybe if she gets really drunk, which she is wont to do, and if in the several venues we are planning to go to there is not another, better-looking and less self-loathing guy who comes up to her, and talks to her, you know, she is easy to talk to, easy to hit on, maybe if none of the hundreds of drunk, horny guys who will be out tonight spot the extremely pretty but also approachable-looking chick and hit on her good-lookingly and confidently and walk her back to her house, maybe if I manage to play it exactly right, not fuck up, not get too drunk, not get not drunk enough, spend the entire night perfectly “on” without even a nanosecond of sadness or self-doubt, which has never once happened in the three and a half decades of my existence, maybe she will fuck me.  If she doesn’t get too drunk, or not drunk enough.  If I don’t encourage her too much to drink and she ends up being sloppy and passing out.  If none of the other hundreds of dudes encourage, or rather if all of the hundreds of dudes, cumulatively, do not encourage her to drink too much so that she gets sloppy and passes out, maybe she will fuck me.  Or maybe her friend will show up and fuck me if all of the above conditions are true for her. So I actually only have a 99.99998 % chance of not getting laid.