Today is the day. Today is the day that YOU adopt Kenny Rogers, the dog. You, with your generous backyard and one or more persons on the premises at all times, with your adequate energy to get out to the park and toss the beast a tennis ball. You who are not the kind of douchebag that has a steroidal pit bull struggling on a length of Home Depot chain so you can look like a badass in your powder blue track suit, but who does secretly relish that your totalitarian secret police dog could probably kick that dog’s ass. You who has kids and/ or valuable possessions and is in need of a guard dog who looks really scary and mean but would probably just lick the intruders, but is effective as a deterrent because the sign that says “Warning: Attack Dog” has a picture of your actual dog on it. Today is the day. Today is the day you go to the East Valley Animal Shelter on Vanowen Avenue in Van Nuys and ask to check out an intact male German Shepherd officially known as “Baby G.” But that is his slave name. His real name is of course Kenneth Donald “Kenny” Rogers, because he picked a fine time to leave his abusive former home. Because he knew when to walk away, and knew when to run. Because baby when you met him there was peace unknown; you set out to groom his burr-laden undercoat with a fine toothed comb. Because don’t take your love to town.
Today is the day that you adopt Kenny Rogers the dog. Because if you don’t they’re gonna kill him. Or not, actually; if you don’t we’re going to have him transported to the Shepherd rescue where they don’t kill the dogs, and can hook him up with someone who is specifically looking for and understands the needs of this noble and attractive breed. But why wait for that– you sit around on your ass, someone else is gonna come in and take this awesome dog and you’re gonna be home fucked without your massive German Shepherd companion with a tale of neglect and abuse that would totally have gotten you laid with any of the innumerable hot chicks or fellows who hang out in the dog park. Probably you will be raped if you do not adopt Kenny Rogers. Probably you will be robbed at knifepoint or beaten within an inch of your life by cholos because you made the mistake of walking around without 95 pounds of what appears to be pure menace but is in fact a harmless nonthreatening if slightly malodorous teddy bear, but they don’t know that.
Today is the day. Why are you even reading these words. Why are these letters occupying space in your mind when you should be speeding up the 4o5 at this very moment on your way to the East Valley Animal Shelter and cutting people off so that someone else doesn’t horn in on the awesomest dog in the world before you can take him to his rightful home with adequate outdoor space and companionship. Look at this fucking dog man. Seriously. If you live in LA, or know someone who does, and you or they have been even slightly entertaining the idea of owning a dog, this is your chance to make the fucking Louisiana Purchase of pets. Go adopt Kenny Rogers right now.
City of Los Angeles East Valley Animal Shelter
14409 Vanowen St
Van Nuys CA 91405
Phone: (888) 452-7381
UPDATE: Here’s his shelter mug shot.
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