A Thing That Booze Makes You Stop thinking

13 Sep

What if she texts you the next day before you even get out of bed and says “I just want you to know that I had a REALLY great time last night– let me know when you want to hang!  ”  And then later that same day– “Dinner? ”  And so on and then like four days later “I think I might be having a problem with my phone- some people aren’t getting my txts– are u doing anything 2night? ” What if you didn’t pull out and in the back of your mind all day at work you are just thinking about having a stupid baby with this person, having to talk to her every day for eighteen years; you just want to text her to see if she got her period but you know any contact is gonna be met with fifteen thousand prompts to do something with this humorless and semiliterate person.  Who looked kind of like Emily Blunt when you were drunk but when you woke up it became clear that she had that weird bad skin where the makeup they use to cover up the bad skin gets trapped in the craters and on the protuberances and thickly coats the weird fine downy hairs all over her face; her gums are far too large and vividly purple for her small teeth, and yet she feels no compunction whatsoever about smiling with her top lip all the way up by her nostrils like the giraffe at the zoo that constantly reaches for the eucalyptus branch that is hanging just outside the bars of its cage… any person with any degree of self awareness who had ever once smiled in a mirror would have immediately taken rigorous steps to train themselves to smile while leaving their generous top lip draped over these fifteen thousand miles of veiny grape Hubba Bubba colored gums… why is her mouth the same color inside as that of a black German Shepherd; shouldn’t the inside of everyone’s mouth be the same color… must be these weird Mexican chicks with their Aztec blood… but anyway, that’s the real problem.  Not that she has these minor physical drawbacks but that she’s the sort of person who never even notices them, even though everyone else does instantly and they are appalled.  God forbid I have impregnated this woman and the resulting offspring inherits this subhuman level of self-examination.  This person smiles like a dog drags its gross pussy and ass across the rug in front of company for sexual gratification.  Just go home and go to bed for Christ’s sake.

5 Responses to “A Thing That Booze Makes You Stop thinking”

  1. B. September 15, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    I just spent the last 10 minutes crying and dying from laughter after reading this post. I think I love you.

  2. Anonymous September 16, 2012 at 7:37 am #

    man, you are so mean spirited.

    • Anonymous September 19, 2012 at 1:11 pm #

      It’s entertaining, but agreed.

  3. big O September 20, 2012 at 6:18 am #

    So bad it’s good! Self consciousness makes people pathetic. Ugly? embrace it!

  4. Jessica Maisonet February 14, 2013 at 6:26 pm #

    dude at some point I am gonna have to quote/ cite you, more sentences than I would like from this post. REALLY? do I quote the shining description you give us or just cut to the chase and say what I really feel? “This person smiles like a dog drags its gross pussy and ass across the rug in front of company for sexual gratification. Just go home and go to bed for Christ’s sake.” CLASSIC.

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