Getting and Keeping

22 Sep

So I need to date a porn star.  I need to date someone who is in the sex industry. Someone whose life’s work is a study of sexiness and how to keep guys’ interest sexually.  Because I become bored with somebody after maybe three times fucking them.  And I’ve given up on them engaging me as human beings.  Or, some of them do, but we end up being friends; they can’t be my girlfriend because I don’t want to fuck them anymore.  The sex is what holds up my being in a relationship.  But the sex becomes a chore, quickly switching from something I have to push for, which lasts all of one first date, to something they have to push for.  When they are no longer new pussy, who gives a shit.  So I need a girl who can overcome that.  And the good news is, I don’t give a shit, you know, morally, if someone is employed in the sex industry.  I am not a stick in the mud.  But just like I kind of see it as my “work” in a relationship to be amusing and witty and full of valuable facts and ideas and etc., I need someone who sees it as their “work” in a relationship to change up their appearance and maybe walk around in a diaper and take an active role in fucking, persuading me to fuck, getting me off in new and innovative ways, etc.

I need to be beguiled.  This is the danger of staying single too long.  Of getting too much pussy.  Of not “putting the pussy on a pedestal.”  Of achieving the dream of being a “player,” someone to whom the act of putting your penis into a new young attractive woman is as rote as putting on a pair of shoes– when you win, it becomes bathwater.  Something you’re just used to.  

Or if not fucking, just– just fucking “game” me for Christ’s sake.  Seduce me. I am tired of doing all the work.  I am tired of feeling nothing.  I want to be seduced.  I want to be led.  I want to be made to feel fucking emotions.  Too much of this meaningless sex off the internet is turning me into a sociopath.

“Game” has been described as an arms race, in the sense that as guys get better and better at spouting canned shit in a certain sequence to get girls to not stop talking to them, girls will become attuned to this, and spot it as the charade it is. And thus new levels of game will need to be pioneered to get past these increasingly refined defenses and etc.

But the real arms race ought to be girls arming themselves to stay more interesting to men as men get more game to be more interesting to girls.  Girls should be pursuing an arms race to stay interesting past being fucked one to five times.  The war metaphor, in which guys are on team “fuck” and girls are on team “don’t fuck,” is bullshit, because what we ultimately want is to pair off and stay with each other meaningfully and maybe reproduce, and be a “team,” right? We need each other.  We need two incomes; we need to be able to develop and sustain conversations and inside jokes over long periods of time; we need to prepare a meal for someone that is not the same “fuck chicken” that I prepare for every single second date.  We need to hear new music, talk about new politics; we need the depth of being connected to one other human being that only a romantic relationship can provide.  We need a partner in crime.  We need to be Bonnie and Clyde.  Us against the world.  The war metaphor is bullshit because we both want the same thing.  We both want each other.

So I went out and got real good at getting you.  That was my job. You did not go out and get real good at keeping me.  You suck at it.  I am stealing an idea from Patrice O’Neal here, the “getting” and “keeping” dichotomy, but it’s a good one and he’s dead so fuck it.  Guys’ job is to “get” women, women’s job is to “keep” a man; we went out and got reaaaallll fucking good at getting and you have done jack shit about keeping us.  I don’t need you to be June god damn Cleaver hand waxing the kitchen tiles in heels while a glazed ham roasts to perfection– my standards are pathetically low.  I just need you to tell me a joke.  One joke, that I laugh at.  I just need you to show me some new music.  Not fucking Lady Gaga; you are not a budding gay teenager struggling with your identity in a small conservative town.  Whatever “way” she is talking about being “born,” you were not born that way.  Because she’s talking about dudes smoking pole.  Why don’t you get me out of this rut of late baroque lute music and turn me on to some Bela Bartok or Gustav Holst or something.

We got real good at getting and you, I don’t know what you were fucking doing with your time but you fucking suck at keeping and so now everything is getting and getting and getting and it’s a colossal bore.  I’m tired of getting pussy!  Come find me.  Come find me, I’m at my apartment; there’s a nice fish tank and a park in the back where owls live; we can talk about books instead of your job.  I will tell you 10,000 jokes, you only have to tell me one good joke.  It can even be one you stole.   Not from Patrice, though; I know all those ones.

Or, alternately, just be a porn star.  Just be some kind of sex performer, some kind of hooker, who can beguile me with fucking more than three times.  One or the other.  Work on the humanity or work on being some kind of irresistible fuck demon.  I’ll be here at my place drinking alone.

46 Responses to “Getting and Keeping”

  1. dressyarson September 22, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

    I only manage to get a date like once every six months and they’re always funny and interesting and positively banging. They swiftly bisect my heart every time. I don’t know what you’re doing wrong. I imagine you must be nailing all the chubby whorange troglodytes I’d normally instahide on okc.

  2. Christy September 22, 2012 at 11:45 pm #

    Unfortunately, you’ll probably find that even if she’s the most limber, versatile porn chick with myriad wigs, costumes, accessories etc…you will still get tired of her, because she will ultimately still be the same girl, and you can only trick your pheromones for so long. A better option for you might be polyamory, with a primary partner–one who fills the need for companionship, cuddling, domestic coziness and comfy sex…and then have other partners who meet the requirements for excitement, adrenaline, variety. This of course is easier said than done because your primary has to agree, unless you want to be a cheater. But she could have fun on the side, too.

  3. sylviasarah September 23, 2012 at 2:10 am #

    Ugh! I love you, you horrible jerk!

    • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 10:25 am #

      oh dt, you are so tedious intellectually. such a mental bore. some months ago, i endeavored, in my mind, to try and figure out a way, in plain english, how to explain to you—a guide for the perplexed, if you will—why it is that the tedious frame you are constantly endeavoring to expand, will never, ever allow you to be properly seduced.

      • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 10:34 am #

        take our beloved leo sylvia; alternately trolled (and villified), and beloved, she presents a case study which easily eclipses your retarded manuals (viz “the selfish gene”, which i believe you may be referencing with the phrase “arms race”, in dawkins’ chapter “the war of the sexes” where he describes porking in the context of game theory and computer modeling and simulation); if you were but enlightened enough, and emotionally facile enough, this blog groupie and attention whore could and would blow your mind, in the manner which you yourself prescribe. but the camouflaged exterior of the game—”the rules”, and so on—has got you so mesmerized that the emotional and sexual essence has got you performing a pinnochio comedy which, while pricelessly endearing (we are rooting for you, pinnochio) has nevertheless got to be *terribly* confusing and frustrating.

      • sylviasarah September 23, 2012 at 11:28 am #

        Woah, woah woah. Don’t get it twisted shawty. I’m a Cancer.

      • sylviasarah September 23, 2012 at 11:30 am #

        *woah, woah.

      • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 12:21 pm #

        leo rising; whatevs

      • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 2:31 pm #


      • Anonymous September 25, 2012 at 3:00 pm #

      • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn September 30, 2012 at 10:21 pm #

        @ 0.50 – did he say, “a great thing to do when you give them GHB?” I can’t believe they have conferences and shit for this, to teach these poor schmucks to feed girls cheesy pick-up lines.

      • sylviasarah October 4, 2012 at 2:22 pm #

        I think DHV…’a great thing to do when you DHV’ means demonstration of higher value…I think.

  4. Fake Girlfriend September 23, 2012 at 3:45 am #

    I tried this.
    Malibu hotels and sex outside.
    Plus–Remember blow job school?
    I didn’t need to learn to give blow jobs–I just tried to make up constructs and games as it was so immediately clear that you need them. You did, however, constantly shoot down all efforts at creativity and my leads—claiming to really only want the most vanilla sex with only new women. Nothing fun. And your terrible need to micromanage sex cuts any control I would try to take. You have much bigger issues at play. You would never let even a porn star take charge–and she would be bored as hell regardless–because she would be at work. And this would ultimately bore you. And you really only want deviance or diapers in a fantasy because real sex doesn’t do anything for you –and that is the actual definition of perversion.
    Nobody can fix your dysfunctions. No woman on earth will be enough for you. Because you don’t want one. You don’t want anything. Not enough.
    Stick with nature and your cat. You are a sociopath most of the time. I feel for you.

    • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 10:10 am #

      i’m not sure—i don’t think—that it is accurate that a porn star’s life’s work is getting and maintaining a guy’s sexual interest. this is a very ivory tower, academic perspective. viewed from the inside, that may be a very peripheral and surface, subjective…description of the essential nature of the work.

      • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 10:18 am #

        the nature of the work—leaving aside the obvious myriad statistical biodiversity present in l.a. area porn star population—is, from an economic point of view (1) simply about getting paid (2) cultural, in the sense of: making a work/lifestyle series of choices based on what is apparently appropriate, relatively sensible and possible and (c) what seems fun. getting and maintaining guys’ sexual interest—broadly viewed—is as much a pursuit of an l.a. area porn star, as it is any l.a. area lady. ipso facto, per usual, you are still centuries away from ever being satisfied romantically, sexually, emotionally, or intellectually. i threw in the oxford comma as a retro statement on okcupid girls’ profiles trends approximately 2-3 months passé.

    • sylviasarah September 23, 2012 at 11:43 am #

      He’s not a sociopath any more than anyone else is. What he’s done is normal. When you find something that works for you you keep doing it if it gets you what you want. Like how kids will say the same joke 30 times in a row because it keeps getting a laugh, not realizing it gets old. He’s realizing it’s gotten old. He used to be this really bitter guy and now he’s not so bitter and he’s open to being open. That’s not sociopathic. That’s growth. You should stop telling him what he needs.

      • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

        i think he’s pretty.

      • Fake Girlfriend September 23, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

        You are a good person I think syliasarah. But you will grow up and learn to kerp your romantic visions to your own awesome ! Kids repeat themselves , yes, so do drunks and maladjusts. I be er judge. But bitter will never be open. And young will always be naive. Life is better thn Sex. Jobs. Power.
        It’s about humor and humility.
        Eventually ..

      • sylviasarah September 23, 2012 at 4:42 pm #

        I don’t want to sound mean but I.m going to need you to respond from a laptop when you’re sober. I want to understand you but what I.m assuming is autotype is making it difficult.

      • R. Lee September 24, 2012 at 12:15 am #

        “You should stop telling him what he needs.”

        You’re so cute.

      • sylviasarah September 24, 2012 at 10:02 am #

        Accepting trollening: Why is that cute?

      • R. Lee September 24, 2012 at 5:12 pm #

        Because you are like Tammy Wynette and standing by your man.

        This even though you have never met him, and even though the woman you are standing up to does know him. In the Biblical sense.

        All very cute. More women should be like you. Loyal no matter what.

      • sylviasarah September 25, 2012 at 8:37 am #

        I feel like that’s supposed to be an insult but I can’t see it :/

    • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 10:36 pm #

      fucking fake gf, you may be smarter than the other fake gf? fucking truth.

      • Anonymous September 24, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

        How many are there in all? Of Fake GFs?

    • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 10:38 pm #

      fake gf is the best

    • Anonymous September 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

      owls. ha.

  5. Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 10:20 am #

    also, thanks for remembering patrice o’neal.

  6. Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    for me, this has become the temurah of l.a. county.

    • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 10:46 am #

      a series of propositions:

      i. in a sexual context, a woman (or in your case, a girl) is the symbol of the universe, and therefore, god.

    • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

      ii. “team fuck”/’getting’ & “team don’t fuck”/’keeping’, are, if memory serves, the square root of dawkin’s matrix—(a). dad [the man who is worth keeping] (b). cad [the man who is worth fucking] (c). fast [the girl who will fuck you] (d). slow [the woman who will partner with you].

      however, if it is indeed dawkins’ “selfish gene” you are referencing above…i beg you consider the following—

      {1.} dawkins did not consider selfish gene to be his finest work, rather, he considered it to be a work of “popular science”. while it is one of his most famous works, he considered, for example, “the extended phenotype”, a book of real science, for scientists, to be a far more important work, and more representative of his thinking vis-a-vis darwinian evolutionary science

      {2.} dawkins was just trying to get laid like the rest of us.

    • Anonymous September 23, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

      iii. evolutionarily speaking, dawkins is not the most representational example of a player with game. best case scenario, he is the author of a popular science book eulogized by the management team of enron: jeff skilling (lasik surgery proponent and harvard grad currently languishing unhappily in federal prison) 😦

  7. collapseofman September 23, 2012 at 11:58 am #

    Fuck, this is spot on.

  8. hey nonny mouse September 23, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

    yes. brilliant.

  9. jimmyconway September 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

    bartok, holst, and o’neal. well done sir.

  10. R. Lee September 24, 2012 at 12:22 am #

    I have Sarah Jessie’s cell number and email if you’re willing to trade something to me I would find valuable. I also have her apartment address in Studio City.

    Sarah has a cracking, rock-hard body and fucks like an animal. Insatiable appetite and smokes pot everyday. Lots of spit in her blowjobs. She wakes up thinking about sucking cock. Loves swallowing cum and rubbing jizz on her face. I know this because (1) she told this to me and Longdong when I invited him over (to prove that I was fucking a porn star), and (2) I’ve done her multiple times. You’d love doing her. Any hetero guy would.

    She has a bunch of tattoos, too. I don’t like that so much, but if you were okay with Misti Dawn, you’ll be more than okay with Sarah Jessie.

    • JewishLuv September 24, 2012 at 9:44 am #

      What’re you going to trade him for? I have some Pokemon cards. Please, give me the address of this porn star. I will show up and love doing her multiple times. Just tell me what to trade.

    • Anonymous September 25, 2012 at 1:56 am #

      zomg trol!!11!!!

  11. Jake September 24, 2012 at 3:15 am #

    Is this comment whine-fest making a case for not telling your chicks about your blog?

    The premise is unassailable. Whether or not DT is keep-able or keep-worthy, or if he’s indiscriminate enough about his getting that tit may not make sense for a girl to try to keep him … whatever. Still true, men work hard to get girls, and more than a few girls just throw up their arms and continue to be ADD attention whores (or, all of the ones in L.A.).

  12. Anonymous September 24, 2012 at 12:31 pm #

    This is the best writing I’ve seen on “game”. The best. The bestest.

  13. Hailey September 24, 2012 at 11:56 pm #

    “So I went out and got real good at getting you.  That was my job. You did not go out and get real good at keeping me.  You suck at it.”

    Maybe you’re just getting the wrong girls.

  14. Anonymous September 27, 2012 at 9:58 pm #

    I would argue that these girls recognize that you’re not worth keeping at this point in your life.

  15. Anonymous September 27, 2012 at 11:03 pm #

    I’m sorry, that was mean. I’m sure you’re a terrific person under all the armour you’ve constructed around yourself, but as long as one of the walls is about treating women (any other humans who also stumbling along on this journey of life for that matter) the way you do you’re not going to meet a great girl who wants to keep you.

    • Hailey September 29, 2012 at 12:46 pm #

      Hear, hear! (Or here, here! Whichever it is.)

    • sylviasarah October 4, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

      I would think, only because Nikol seems like a strong chick, that he’s really good at keeping them around, he just is weird about how easy it is for him.


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