Gertrude Part Two

30 Sep

She makes me cum too fast.  I can’t be completely honest about her because she reads this, but this is one thing she already knows.  Fucking on that couch; it’s hot, my balls keep slipping under her ass on the sweaty leather and getting squashed but it’s pleasurable.  Her ass is just wringing out my distended sac, and it makes me pop off in two seconds every time.  I want to say: let me take a moment to reel in my dirigible sized nutbag so your sweaty ass doesn’t keep rubbing it in the leather; this is what’s making me prematurely ejaculate, but– how do you ever say that sentence.  I can barely even type it.

But also because she is twenty two years old and small and not on birth control.  Just the smell of the back of her neck.  Just the smell of her.  Laying around my hot apartment for two days without showering.  My bed is awash with her twenty two year old ovulating cuntmusk.  I wish it had been fifty days and we lived in god damn Nigeria.  In some malarial swamp where she would sweat more.  I wish she would eat Indian food and go jog up a mountain in the one hundred and eight degree heat and then wrap herself in layers and layers of every piece of clothing I own under a heat lamp.  Twenty two.  There is no faking it.  This is the thing that billions of dollars and millions of man hours of science are trying to recapture; white bunnies getting their eyelids ripped off in stacks and stacks of wire cages and sprayed with chemicals; people getting their faces slashed up and pulled back like Ed Gein, soaps and lotions and perfumes and hours of grueling tendon wrenching excercise.  All to approximate this: the version that God made.

And, you know, a nice, interesting girl.  She brings movies over and it’s not the motherfucking Notebook or whatever version of The Notebook is out now; it’s some Das Weisse Band by Michael Haneke, which– how did you know I needed a deep unsparing look at the moral rot underlying a German farm village in 1913.  Or it’s the Eastern Orthodox Armenian version of The Holy Mountain.  I have learned about Armenians.  Their religion is weird as fuck but man can they train a horse.  She brings something to the table.

It’ll go wrong.  She’s a sex addict.  She emails dudes asking them to fuck.  Then she writes about it.  I don’t know where yet but some day I’ll read about my own small penis.

There is something empty there, something hollow.  I don’t know what it is.  She’s bulimic too.  All my hot sauce is gone, doubtless used in some purging ritual.  And I’m sure there’s whatever else comes with the Microsoft Office Suite of broken girls.  You fuck up somehow as a parent and all that shit comes preinstalled.  But so what.  Nikol is like that; Fake Girlfriend is like that.  All the girls I know and love are like that.  I’m like that.  Trying to fill a hole.  And of course, not only the literal unprotected hole of the hot young Vietnamese college student who propositions you for sex on the internet but also, you know, a figurative hole.  In my soul.  I’m gonna fill that hole with the pole of my soul.

It’ll go wrong or I’ll just flake off but so fucking what.  Some day I’ll be dead but I still floss regularly.

22 Responses to “Gertrude Part Two”

  1. A fan of The Notebook September 30, 2012 at 2:16 pm #

    I don’t get it.

    What do you have against the The Notebook?

    • A fan of Das Weisse Band September 30, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

      You’re stupid. The Notebook sucked and so do you.

      • A fan of The Holy Mountain September 30, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

        You’re both stupid, and both of your movies suck.

    • delicioustacos September 30, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

      What do YOU have against The Color of Pomegranates by Sergei Paradjanov, or its source material, the poems of the heralded 18th Century Ashugh Harutyun Sayatyan?

      • eric September 30, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

        guys, one day we all have to party at DT’s apartment..with an 8 ball, of about before December 21st 2012

      • A fan of The Notebook September 30, 2012 at 7:35 pm #

        To Eric:

        Only if we can watch The Notebook.

      • eric October 1, 2012 at 9:56 am #

        Sure…i genuinely like ryan gosling

  2. Anonymous September 30, 2012 at 10:40 pm #


  3. sylviasarah October 1, 2012 at 5:39 pm #
  4. Christy October 1, 2012 at 7:29 pm #

    Elena sounds like a hottie, enjoy your time with her.

  5. vsoze October 2, 2012 at 7:09 am #

    “You fuck up somehow as a parent and all that shit comes preinstalled. But so what. Nikol is like that; Fake Girlfriend is like that. All the girls I know and love are like that. I’m like that. Trying to fill a hole.”

    Exactly. Wish more people had that knowledge, but even the people that do sometimes forget it. Keep up the good work compadre.

  6. Fake girlfriend October 3, 2012 at 9:00 pm #

    I am genuinely beginning to not like you.

    • Fake girlfriend October 3, 2012 at 9:31 pm #

      I’m sure that sounds like jealousy. What I really mean is:
      1. I’m losing respect for your point of view. Intellectually
      2. I wouldn’t have sex with you now if you begged me

      Your ideas about age, women, work, money, alcohol, and politics are trite, trivial, dull and one noted.
      I miss you–but I don’t know you anymore.

      • Fake girlfriend October 3, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

        Oh– and don’t blame the couch dude. You never stay hard long enough. Watch out Elena–he starts with nutting to fast and jumps quickly to can’t get it up. He’ll credit you for both and trade you out. (He is probably only good at fucking the couch alone.)

      • Fake girlfriend October 3, 2012 at 11:37 pm #

        I really don’t mean to be mean. But you have effectively alienated me.

      • Dr. Joyce Brothers October 4, 2012 at 1:27 am #

        Have you considered trying to get a new boyfriend instead of posting here repeatedly on your old fake boyfriend’s website?

        Just a thought.

      • Anonymous October 4, 2012 at 9:17 pm #

        Worst case of sour grapes ever. Really pathetic.
        Out of all DT’s groupies including nikol “how dare you slight me on the internet” hasler and sylvia “I’m a lonely fat fuck who lives in a fantasy world on the internet” sarah, fakegirlfriend is by far the stupidest and least compelling.

      • sylviasarah October 6, 2012 at 11:06 pm #

        My fantasy wouldn’t be all that great if I were still lonely. Anyway, the fantasy world isn’t only internet based, it’s via text as well.

        Sorry FG. Anonymous is obviously suffering from his own form of jealousy. You know DT personally and for two seconds I considered suggesting you just send him an email because it was obvious you were going to submit a comment like this but then my laptop died and I forgot. Sorry. Maybe you don’t care, and you probably shouldn’t.

  7. Anonymous October 6, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

    lucky bastard.

  8. big O October 8, 2012 at 2:01 am #

    Taste like romance mixed with desperation. Deliciously intoxicating cocktail!
    And maybe it won’t go wrong, maybe you’ll fill each other holes in your souls.
    Very found of you writing DT, don’t go dry if you’re happy, put your wit at it.

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