OKCupid: I Am Never, Ever Going to Reference Steely Dan

21 Nov

What is this girl, texting me– she is nineteen years old and works as a go go dancer at an S & M themed nightclub.  She says on her profile that she is looking for an older man.  She does not appear to be a prostitute.  She has literary pretensions.

What do you even do with this information.  When you can’t stay up past ten thirty and don’t even want to.  My ball hairs are white.  My scrotum looks like a disgusting wizard.  It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with this nineteen year old go go dancer, it’s that– I can’t even conceive of the logistical hassles to get there.  She stays up until four in the morning.  It’s like a sparrow wanting to fuck a bat– they just aren’t around at the same time of day.  What do I do now, invite her over for the pork roast I’m about to make?  A nice hearty meal with some roasted root vegetables while the cold winds blow.  Nice glass of red wine and a video.  The flavors of rural France.  I enjoy the things that old people enjoy, except for the part where I need to impregnate a girl whose professional attire is electrical tape over her nipples.

So it would have to be a come out and meet me at this club situation.  Lug my ball sack which resembles Wilford Brimley’s scraggly dome into my car and drink fourteen dollar drinks and talk and talk and talk and wait and wait and wait until fucking time, which, for her, is going to be sunrise.  When I am finally about to get that ass, a rooster will crow.  Fuck, it’s 3:30PM and I could go to sleep now.  I could get the early bird special at a Carrow’s Family Restaurant.  I could lean back in a recliner and yell at the news.

She is six feet tall and half black.  Cute as hell.  Texting me all the time.  Maybe she’s just lonely.  She is into Harry Potter.  Not a half-shamed half-ironic appreciation of Harry Potter that you affect as an adult; the first Harry Potter book came out when she was four years old.  She is genuinely into Harry Potter the way a kid is into Harry Potter.  Here comes my boner.

Who knows.  It’s cold outside; the car is fucked up; I have no god damn money and a hangover lasts me as long as the flu.  But also, nineteen.  Nineteen.


32 Responses to “OKCupid: I Am Never, Ever Going to Reference Steely Dan”

  1. Another Mary November 21, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

    You’re too hard on yourself. I hate to say it, but…..go for it, though it sounds like she’d be too much for you, old man.

  2. kitlenoir November 21, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    She sounds hot.

    You should totally bang her.



    • nikolhasler November 21, 2012 at 6:58 pm #


      • kitlenoir November 21, 2012 at 7:12 pm #


        So that was too much.

        I can’t tell him to bang a girl but he can describe his balls.

        I give up

        (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

      • nikolhasler November 21, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

        You were being all cutesy about it. So I barfed. It was pretty barfy.

        Yours truly,

        His friend who advised him to hide his wallet.

      • kitlenoir November 21, 2012 at 8:25 pm #

        It wasn’t stolen though, was it 😉

      • nikolhasler November 21, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

        Perhaps you were too taken aback by the extreme flattery of a homeless dude calling you pretty that you forgot to steal it.
        Anyway, I didn’t think you were going to steal his wallet. I thought your pimp was.
        Came to that thought based on the photos of you writhing around in your underwear. Doesn’t guarantee that you’re a whore, just increases the likelihood. And since DT doesn’t have any money, if you met up with him and you were a whore, it’s probable that your pimp would take his wallet.
        I am pleased that you turned out not to be a whore, just a very emotional young woman. Thank you for fucking my friend. He will be in a better mood because of it.

      • kitlenoir November 21, 2012 at 10:26 pm #

        Have you ever considered it wasn’t about money?

        Perhaps I thought he was a smart and interesting guy?

        And of course I’m not a whore.

        If I was, I’m sure I’d have a lot more money.
        Not having to have a roommate and being to buy whatever I want when I want to would be sweet.

        As for the comment about my pictures, it’s my job.

        As a go go dancer I have to sell myself, so I’m sorry if you don’t like my pictures.

        But if that’s what you’ll judge off of, then I’m sorry.

        And no problem.

        It was my pleasure fucking your friend.

        He was quite good.

      • nikolhasler November 21, 2012 at 11:11 pm #

        Like I said, I know it wasn’t about money.

        “And of course I’m not a whore.

        If I was, I’m sure I’d have a lot more money.
        Not having to have a roommate and being to buy whatever I want when I want to would be sweet.”

        Nope. Sadly, that’s not how it works. Whores still have to have roommates and pay bills. And, if you were a whore, there wouldn’t be anything wrong with it. You just come off like a whore at first.

        “As for the comment about my pictures, it’s my job.

        As a go go dancer I have to sell myself, so I’m sorry if you don’t like my pictures.”

        I know plenty of “go-go dancer”s who don’t post pictures of themselves in their panties writhing around on the floor. And, I like your pictures very much. You’re a great looking woman. I love looking at pictures of hot chicks who seem like they’re about to fuck. Just, don’t go kidding yourself that those photos have to do with your dancing. And yes, that’s what I had to judge you off of. Now that I also looked at your blog, you just seem like a troubled 19 year old. Again, do not misunderstand me. I am all for troubled 19 year olds. You get two thumbs up from me.

      • kitlenoir November 21, 2012 at 11:33 pm #


        Of course.

        Any normal person has problems that could “trouble” them

        And my age isn’t who I am.

        I apologize if I seem… Argumentative…
        You come off hostile.

        Rude even.

        I didnt appreciate it, therefore I felt a need to defend myself.

        I don’t put up with disrespect, as I offer even basic respect to complete strangers.

        And as his friend, you should be happy that I didn’t steal his wallet and i treated him, and will continue to treat him well.

        I don’t care if he has money.
        I don’t care if he doesn’t take me to fancy resturaunts, I just don’t care.

        He’s caught my interest, I love spending time with him and I love the fact that I can have a conversation with him.

        And whether or not I’m writhing in my underwear is really not the problem

        I could be a playboy model or pornstar but that wouldn’t change who I am (it might but I’m not willing to find out)

        I like your friend.
        He makes me smile.

        And he’s the only guy to ever let me call him a cuntfuck and reply with “fuckface”

        And I like that.

      • arourboro December 6, 2012 at 10:36 am #

        What is her handle on OkCupid?

  3. Anonymous November 21, 2012 at 8:00 pm #


    “The thick smell of the pig fat drove me insane.”

    Ten minutes of my life I will never get back.

    • kitlenoir November 21, 2012 at 8:25 pm #


      No one asked you to read it

      • Anonymous November 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

        Fair call.

      • kitlenoir November 21, 2012 at 8:44 pm #

        *tips hat*

        Besides if you thought that was the worst part, I’m concerned xD

        I mean if I were not the writer, I would’ve stopped at the first sentence xD

        But please don’t blame me for the melodramatic descriptions…
        My mom left a lot of Danielle Steel books lying around as I was growing up…

      • Anonymous November 21, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

        My main complaint is that it is an unwelcome new perspective on my favourite anti-hero. I really just want to read self-deprecating posts about his sweaty balls rubbing on the sofa.

        I actually like that you describe odours, DT tends to write in a very visual-centric manner.. I think we can reconcile after you describe how his balls smell.

      • kitlenoir November 21, 2012 at 9:07 pm #

        I was pretty drunk, but as far as I remember, the smell slightly resembled a mix of Domino’s bread bowl pastas mixed with the scent of the Maruchan ramen seasoning dust.

        Oriental flavored.


        Oh my good lord.

        In reality I don’t know.

        I’ll be sure to get back to you after more field research.

      • Wastedmyfuckingtime November 23, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

        “…if I were not a writer…”
        Sigh. I made the mistake of checking out your blog due to the association with DT’s own excellent one. Your writing is frustratingly generic. You have the habit of “gilding the turd” in a way that simply aggrandizes yourself and reveals nothing about anything. There’s no honesty in what you write. It’s understandable that you might want to ride on the coattails of someone else’s more successful blog to get some traffic but at least have some material to back it up. Shit.

      • Little Miss S November 24, 2012 at 7:17 pm #

        Well, to be fair, wastedmyfuckingtime, what she said was “if I were not THE writer, meaning the writer of her blog, not A writer. She’s not trying to call herself a writer, at least I don’t think she is. Plus, she’s just a kid.

      • Anonymous November 25, 2012 at 12:07 pm #

        Meh, even for a 19 year old her shit still sucks.

      • Anonymous November 25, 2012 at 8:45 pm #

        It really really sucks. The mess of it is that she thinks it is good. This kid needs to stop writing, or at least she could stop writing each sentence on a new line. The words are already unbearable without the structure issues.

      • Anonymous November 25, 2012 at 11:02 pm #


    • kitlenoir November 21, 2012 at 8:35 pm #


      Cooked pig smells freaking delicious.

      If you don’t practically faint everytime you smell fresh bacon, I feel bad for you, kid.

  4. Anonymous November 24, 2012 at 1:01 am #

    19 is perfect for you. She’ll forget about it about the time you finish. 10-nineteen seconds.

  5. Mocha Kari November 24, 2012 at 11:20 am #

    “i treated him, and will continue to treat him well”

    if only you knew how not right you are about this one. you won’t get a chance to continue to treat him well. he doesn’t let women continue to treat him well. you went out with him after reading the stuff he wrote here. so either you are in denial or you have no reading comprehension skills.

    • Little Miss S November 24, 2012 at 7:42 pm #

      Every chick, especially at that age, thinks “but I will be the special one who can change him!”

  6. Nikol Hasler November 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    • Little Miss S November 24, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

      LMAO. dying…

  7. vsoze November 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm #

    Nice played DT… now we know that you “even flaccid [are a] pretty decently sized.”

  8. maremare10 November 28, 2012 at 9:02 pm #

    DT all I know is we can’t trust a dang thing you say at this point, because I could’ve sworn you said tall girls are absolutely disgusting to you, no matter how hot, no?

    • pffffffftttsssssssiimmbllllllddddddnnnnnnnnn January 13, 2013 at 11:16 pm #

      Yep. Which makes these transparently contrived posts about Misti Dawn hilarious. I’m leaving this comment here, because I’m guessing she only reads the posts that are written about her, but – her youtube videos are interesting. Her blog is interesting. She’s a very interesting person. Lmao, you’re so full of shit, DT. You better fuck her. If you don’t fuck her, that’s just… that’s just inexcusable.

      Feel free to delete this if it’s gonna fuck up your game.

      Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he just has a genuinely hard time expressing “vulnerability” on here as far as his personal relationships go. Some of his posts about Nikol are like that, full of grudging emotions.


  1. Welcome New Readers « delicioustacos - January 9, 2013

    […] porn star, the random hookups you pick up from that site, “Gertrude” or whoever… The 19 year old dancer… The list goes on… And to make matters worse, you then let people say all these horrible things […]

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