Archive | 2012

Passions: Interlude– Filbert and the Lady of the Night

14 Nov

Previously on Passions:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

The thing about whores is they don’t feel like fucking.  Whores feel like the best and most expensive sex toy ever devised. Like you just paid a hundred bucks to jerk off.  There is nothing in the pleasure of a whore you can take with you.  No memory.  It exists only in the moment.

She was kneeling over his back, ticking him with her hair.  She looked exactly like a girl from his high school. Cathy Chao.  Cathy Chao was tall, like a model.  She had a face like a model too.  Everybody wanted to fuck her.  The first time you saw her you would choke a little like you’d swallowed a bug.  But hard to jerk off to.  One of these women where you can’t beat off to her because she is too beautiful.  You can’t conjure up a scenario where she might fuck you plausibly.  You end up beating off more to the chubby girls than the beautiful ones.  She ended up marrying some Persian MBA and then leaving him for his boss.

This hooker looked just like her.  She looked just like her in high school, not whatever used up version of her existed now.  He choked when she walked in the room like he had swallowed a bug.  He suddenly felt self conscious lying there nude with a coarse bleached towel over his nuts.  She was all smiles.  She had no idea.  Maybe she thought he was new at this.  She gestured for him to flip over. Continue reading →

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Passions: A Love Story, Part Three

13 Nov

Previously on Passions:

Part 1

Part 2

October 26, 2012

from: Filbert B. Kim (fkim@goldbergkimllc.com)
to: astrid666@gmail.com

Astrid:

Enough.  This has to stop.  You wanted to hurt me.  You did.  It’s over.  You won.  Please, have some compassion.

Respectfully,

Filbert

The phone was vibrating.  It was his mother again.  13 missed calls.   Astrid had done something.  He couldn’t call his mother back until he had figured out what it was, and could get ahead of it.  Maybe not even then.  Maybe he would just let the relationship with his mother go.

His gun was in his lap.  A Smith & Wesson 40 caliber.  Of course it was a  Smith & Wesson®.  Of course it was A BMW® M™ series, of course he was lounging in the house in Nike® swimming sandals, Calvin Klein® Men’s Boxer Briefs, medium, black.  He bought it because it was the same gun the LAPD used, and because he liked the two tone.  Guys with guns are the biggest bunch of little girls in the world.  The ammo box had a bald eagle rampant with flaming talons raised, ready to tear out the heart of your home invader.

He had spent the night fucking Astrid with the gun in her mouth.  It cost him three hundred dollars.  He made that before 10AM.  She really needed the money.  Everyone really needed the money, except him.  He told her there wasn’t a bullet in the chamber but there was.  He needed it to cum.  Twenty years ago it barely took a stiff breeze.

Why the fuck did he have to say something.  Why couldn’t he just let it go.  You love somebody, they leave you, you pay them money to fuck you while eating your god damn handgun, you have won. There is no need to rub it in with a poorly thought out text message from a stoplight.  If he  had sent that text before ejaculating he would have forgiven himself, but if your balls are empty you have no excuse for anything. Continue reading →

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Corporate Training Video Review: “Sexual Harassment: Issues for Today’s Workforce”

8 Nov

The proudest day of my life

Sexual Harassment is an important and complex issue in today’s corporate environment, I am told by the same woman who reminds you that all agents are currently assisting other customers.  This course will train you in recognizing inappropriate and harmful behavior in today’s corporate workplace.  Our company cares deeply about your physical and emotional safety and that of your colleagues, managers and vendors.

You will be shown a series of videos and asked a series of questions corresponding to the scenes presented. Once all six videos are complete, you will be asked to take a final comprehensive quiz.  If you’re ready to begin, press “next.”

Chapter One: The Business Trip

Ron is Ann’s manager.  They’re getting off a plane in an unnamed town, then they’re in a hotel hallway.  Ann is attractive.  Asian.  She is pretty but not too pretty. She is probably not the prettiest girl in the office but there is something about her.   You can tell by Ron’s eyes that he’s going to head straight to his hotel room and beat off to her after that long plane ride.  He had considered jerking off in the airplane toilet so he could get a little jizz on his finger and then pretend to brush a piece of hair out of her face, maybe close to her lips. Ron is that kind of guy.  A shark in the boardroom and the bedroom.  As Ann is opening her room he tells her he’s eyeing her for “the big promotion.”  This is the kind of world where people talk about “sales projections” and “synergizing” and “the big promotion,” because it is written by people who have never had jobs.  Their concept of the workplace is from commercials for office supplies. Their boardrooms look like the “I Wanna Sex You Up” video.  And Ron wants to sex her up.  Would she like to have dinner with him in the hotel restaurant tonight.  We can discuss your future at the company.  If you get this position we will be working together… very… closely.  The kind of ellipses that can only mean “fucking.”  Ann’s eyes tell us that she knows exactly what he means.  Ron, I would love to discuss the promotion with you but I think it’s best that we do so back in the office. I would prefer to unwind alone tonight. Continue reading →

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Protected: 2012 California and Los Angeles Voter Guide

6 Nov

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The Big Book of Girls Who Won’t Fuck Me Volume Five

4 Nov

The worst thing in the world is a good looking chick who fucks everybody but won’t fuck you, and I know a ton of girls like that. Why do I keep them in my life. I mean, who cares; they are good people and good friends and would give their right arm for me; they’re fun to talk to and go out with and if another chick sees them and thinks I’m fucking them then they’re doing they’re job. You don’t have to fuck everybody.

But you do have to fuck everybody so fuck them for not fucking me. You know who you are. What the fuck is your problem. I’ve been around you alone and drunk, I’ve made a move. You rebuffed me; it was insulting. I’ve seen what you fucked. What human schwag pulled of a crime of opportunity.

But it’s too late now. I’ve known you for years and those are the years when you mattered. Now it’s over. Oh well. You for one didn’t miss out on much. I can’t fuck worth shit. But still. I hope you get hit by a truck.

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Passions: A Love Story, Part Two

1 Nov

Part One

September 23, 2012

from: Filbert B. Kim (fkim@goldbergkimllc.com)
to: Patricia Wong (twong@goldbergkimllc.com)

Tricia,
 
Some comments:
 
1)      When you have a case name, and you put the words “et al.” after the first plaintiff’s name or first defendant’s name, there must be a comma after the first plaintiff’s name or first defendant’s name.  I have seen this grammatical error repeated, so I do not think this mistake was inadvertent.  Now, you know the rule, so please do not repeat the same mistake.
 
2)      Vartan Gregorian, of Goldman, Silverman & Hastings, is not in the arbitration.  He represents Gorog Nasroobian, the co-defendant who is not part of the arbitration, and who was expressly excluded from the arbitration by his own choice and then the subsequent court order.  Thus, instead, the letter should have been addressed to only Patrick Silverberg and Herbert Pinkney, the two co-counsel for the primary defendant, Oleg Krikorian.  Krikorian is indeed part of the court-ordered arbitration.  But Patrick Silverberg was not even listed in your original letter.  Those are the two relevant co-counsel: Patrick Silverberg and Herbert Pinkney.  Get familiar with their names.
 
3)      There should be two spaces between a period at the end of a sentence and the first word to begin the next sentence.  In this letter, you consistently only put one space.  I have seen recent briefs where you have interchangeably used one space and two spaces.  Sometimes three spaces.  I have had to make repeated changes in this letter and those recent briefs as a result.  This is unacceptable.  Two spaces.  That’s it.
 
You are now a senior associate. The standards set for you are higher than before.  I hope and expect you will meet them.

Respectfully,

Filbert

She needed money.  She had a kid, a 14 year old, the son of some guy from when she was 17.  The guy had owned a car.  That was what had qualified him for fatherhood. He could drive up a block away from the group home and take her to movies and parties.  She squatted on top of him in the back seat; he hadn’t even moved the combination snow brush and ice scraper with the Peak™ antifreeze logo on it, a nice picture of mountains.  Afterwards there was a mirror imprint of the mountains on her shin.  Men with absolutely nothing happening in their lives and no futures just cum in girls.  I mean, why not. Continue reading →

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Passions: A Love Story

30 Oct

Part One

This is a story about a girl named Astrid, and a boy named Filbert Kim.

Astrid was a foster child who grew up getting gang raped like most kids play tag.  She lost her virginity at age four to her foster brother, who was chopping wood, and when she asked to help, called her a stupid baby.  Then he raped her and dumped her in a kiddie pool.  It didn’t get any better for twenty years until she booked a couple commercials  and a TV pilot and came out to LA.  The pilot didn’t work out– they never do, but she stayed. She ended up being a hooker for a while for some Russian guys off craigslist, sucking old Indian perverts’ musky rotten spice-smelling dicks. And that’s how she became the type of person who was of interest to Filbert Kim.

Filbert Kim was a lawyer.  He had gotten into Harvard but blew his admission by writing a snarky letter to the student council or something, so he went to the University of California instead.  He was Korean, as you can tell by his last name. Which means go ahead and google Filbert Kim; you’ll never find him.  There are fifteen Filbert Kims in his Berkeley graduating class alone. He got good grades as an undergraduate.  He did well in law school.  He got a job as an associate at one of those firms that are in a skyscraper in LA and made an awful lot of money.  He got married, to another Korean, which is how you know he couldn’t have been happy. They had a dog.  It was a small white dog suitable for elderly women and gays, so it had a grandiose name to the tune of “Brutus” or “El Conquistador.” The wife’s mother moved in with them and he paid for both their cars, their gas, their insurance, the whole mortgage.  This is how you know he was not happy.  He did everything his parents told him to do in life and look where it got him.  The mother in law was a shrew.  She followed them everywhere.  Thank God they didn’t have kids. Continue reading →

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The Sad Part Is, It’s True

29 Oct

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Protected: Weekend Journal 10-28-12: Halloweekend!

28 Oct

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Gertrude Part Four: Further Proof That STD’s Are a Fake Boogeyman

26 Oct

At this point it’s almost like “what do I have to do.”  I’m the Whitey Bulger of herpes, flagrantly committing crimes and then dodging punishment for decades while walking around with my hugely recognizable face in a heavily populated city.  What do I have to do to get an STD.   I mean, maybe this girl– there could still be an incubation period.  When did I start fucking her– probably like a week before this test.  So no AIDS would have come through or anything.

But what the fuck would SHE have to do to get an STD. It’s easier for girls to get it than guys, right?  That’s what they tell you in sex ed.  Sixty per cent of new HIV transmissions are women, eighty seven per cent of new syphilis transmissions are women, blah blah blah…  That’s what they tell you in health class.  They also tell you there’s a big chance that if you fuck someone unprotected you’ll get an STD.  So fuck what they said in health class.  I’m not gonna believe anything that came out of that shit anymore.  I’m gonna go back to my childhood understanding, based on speculation from an ass porn mag given to me by a hobo, that a baby is made when a guy puts his penis into a girl’s butt and pees. Continue reading →

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