Work Diaries: Work Shit

11 Feb

December 2012

It’s too fucking cold.  It’s too cold and I may have to take the dreaded work shit.  Breaking a covenant I made with myself long ago, that after every shit would come a shower.  They scoff at me for this, society.  What’s the matter, can’t you wipe?  Yes, I can, but this is not an FDA-permitted 3 rat hairs in your can of chili situation.  Any amount of shit on your body ever is unacceptable.  I wipe till the paper comes up clean or bloody, but that is not enough.  If I shat on your hand, would you give it a couple dry passes with a napkin and call it a day?  No, knave, you’d wash your fucking hand.

I live in mortal fear of any pair of underwear I own getting skidmarks on them. The white bits turning brown from my musky taint sweat is not an issue; holes are not an issue– there are boxers where my distended left nut hangs fully outside the garment and grinds into my car keys. I still keep them around.  But once I see a skid mark, those underwear will be immolated.  No exceptions.

On the rare days when I may have to take  a work shit– when, despite my earnest study of the amount of waste in the morning’s bowl, and a careful gauging of its mass relative to the food eaten the previous day, and if this ratio is found lacking, my patiently waiting and squeezing out every last chunk before a vigorous shower– on the rare days this ritual fails me, my entire morning is spent in a shit quandary.  Do I dare break the seal.  Walk into the rest room in full view of coworkers who all know what’s about to go down.  Is it at all possible to avoid it.  Suffer a queasy night of dreams about goblins scraping my intestines and awake to merge it with tomorrow’s shit.  Maybe the ends will be different colors.

Still, there is something about the work shit that makes it superior to other shits.  The desperation.  The waiting.  You are shitting out of primal need, rather than mere ritualized habit.  The work shit held in for hours is never a meager rabbit pebble.  It’s always an arm-thick stinging snake barging out of your anus like being prison raped in reverse.   The work shit is a feast when you are truly hungry, or the first fuck after a dry spell.  You feel a bliss afterward that only your ancient ancestors must have felt bringing down a mammoth, knowing they had staved off death another day.  Sure it’s embarassing.  The cocked eyebrows in the offices you walk past. But for a minute, nothing can get you down. To you I am a cog in the machine, a robot for making you money, and what’s more I better be thankful for it.  But when I work shit I have become a beast and my asshole has taken command.  Its authority is greater than any law.  I take your priggish civilization, your  oppressive constraints on my life, your claim to ownership of every minute of my day, and I shit on them.

Fuck it, I better take this shit.

7 Responses to “Work Diaries: Work Shit”

  1. aneroidocean February 11, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

    I love shitting in a private restroom (with the toilet within reach of the sink) because I can run some nice hot water in the sink to splish splash on the toilet paper. It’s like wiping with a hot washcloth and it feels fucking nice and ensures that my asshole is as squeaky clean as it can get without taking a shower and soaping it down. I emerge from the bathroom victorious, my asshole resplendant from the hot cleaning, and my ego stoked. The work shits I take often require the door be closed and the fan left on so that the entirety of the air supply in the bathroom can exit through the roof vent lest a mere mortal walk by the open door and fall to the floor in convulsions from the scent raping their nostrils and closing their airway.

    Sometimes, it’s like I won the superbowl and spiked a brown football down the porcelain uprights. I become proud of the toilet at my work, for taking such a brutal beating and continuing to function.

    • BB February 12, 2013 at 8:22 am #

      When there´s a sink nearby, I even use soap to wipe my ass clean. If there´s no sink in sight, I spit on the toilet paper and I wash my ass with saliva. It works. You don´t want to know the places I´ve shat in! I never sit down on the toilet.

  2. Another Mary February 11, 2013 at 7:17 pm #

    I’ve suffered severe stomache pain cause I refused to take a shit at work and I hate going into a stall and seeing bits of poop that didn’t get flushed or smeared on the inside of the toliet bowl. One of my co-workers had a colostomy last year and now that she’s returned to work, there’s always blobs of runny shit on the bathroom floor.

  3. Bronan the Barbarian! February 12, 2013 at 7:16 pm #

    Until the day my corpse lies rotting in the earth, shit stories will forever remain hilarious.

  4. G-EE February 13, 2013 at 10:16 pm #

    two words:
    wet wipes

    I work as a construction site manager. All we ever have is jiffy-jons. They reek and they are never emptied often enough.You CAN’T hold it for 13 hours a day every day of a six day work week and not suffer an impacted bowel. It just can’t be done.

    You can buy pocket sized packets of wet wipes are most drugstores they even come in anti-septic versions – though Id advise against them. They sting like nothing I can adequateness describe.

  5. Anonymous April 11, 2013 at 7:51 am #

    #doesspielbergwaxhisasshole #nopoint #analbleaching

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Women: Why Don’t You Read When You Shit? | delicioustacos - August 22, 2013

    […] doesn’t have to be first thing. Some men prefer the workshit. I do not endorse this but I understand it. The man who workshits is reclaiming his humanity, for a […]

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