Look, there’s Chelsea. Now I can’t concentrate.
I fucking hate seeing people you barely know, people you’ve only seen while drunk, and you clearly recognize them and there’s a quick flash of eye contact where you expect the person to recognize you too and wave and say hi and they don’t. This always happens with women. Half my time in public is spent looking like a jerkoff as I stare and half-wave at some chick in the grocery store and she just looks at the ground and everyone else notices. This is my whole life. That’s why I gotta get famous. Never again. But the only way you can get famous nowadays is school shootings.
God, what a jerkoff I look like, thinking she might be looking. Emoting into my god damn laptop screen. Laughing at my own words. Why can’t I just look fucking cool for once. She makes me feel like I’ve just been in a car accident. This nineteen year old stripper with a perfect little girl face. She was raped by her manager once. I bought her a burrito in consolation. This is the thanks I get, she doesn’t recognize me in a coffee shop.
Or she does and it was too weird to say anything. I made it weird somehow, trying to make out with her all coked out at the Overpass. I am almost forty years old and she fucked Devendra Banhart. Still, that kind of shit has to happen to her all the time. I don’t get mad when gay guys try to fuck me.
What would I even say. Now she’s in the back. I could go out there and say hi. I would have to make a special effort to speak to her. Special effort damns all endeavors. She is never going to fuck you. Just get that through your head and move on. But still. She is the white whale. This girl who doesn’t remember your name. God, I looked like such a fucking dork. I am almost forty years old, for Christ’s sake. This is never gonna end.
If I fucked her, it would be just like the other times I fucked a teenage wastrel. Still. Unless they’ve read my shit I just come off like a fucking tool to girls. My movements are all jittery and birdlike. I am an ugly idiot with a small penis. I can’t even show her the god damn web site because I talked about her. Jesus Christ, get a hold of yourself man.
She walked by and I said hi and she hugged me but first I had to close this fucking document with words on it talking about her and I just, I could not have looked like a bigger dork. Until a girl fucks you, you are never not thirteen years old.
This is what would happen if I were in a room with Miss Teen Delaware. Only the most jaded and soulless man could pull a piece of ass like that. You can’t get the hottest pussy in the world until you are too burned out to enjoy it. Women, this is why we hate you. But thanks for making me feel something.