This Is An Attempt To Collect A Debt

5 Mar

I got something in the mail, some debt collector out of Oklahoma offering me some settlement on a credit card I never had.  Someone stole my identity.  Good for them.  I hope they bought TV’s and Xboxes and got huge cash advances for massage parlors where they could prematurely ejaculate into some Korean sex slave.  I only wish I didn’t have the ethical hangups that keep me from doing that kind of shit.

But now I have to call… not the debt collector, because if you’ve ever dealt with any kind of debt collector, you know they will give you no information.  They’re like one of those grass seeds that gets up a dog’s nose; little thorns and barbs that make it only slide further up when you grab at it.  Get some kind of admission from you of who you are and take this as an agreement that it’s your debt and bug you and bug you and bug you.  They are masterful about this.  Well, it is under your name sir, and you are liable.  No, I have to call Citibank; I have to pay for a credit report, I have to identify in whatever jargon is used thereupon what item matches up with a Citibank credit card.  The amount won’t be the same.  The debt collector just makes up some huge amount and knocks off most of it to make it look like a deal.  Then one in one thousand checks roll in.  Free money.  From a person so stupid and unsophisticated they think any official looking letter is gospel.  Free money from the only sort of person who really needs it.

These are the growth sectors of our economy.  Scams.  Scaring the stupid, elderly or poor into sending checks. Make money from home, by paying us money. Unemployed?  Sign up for our employment service where you pay us money.  Switch your balance to our 19.95 per cent APR credit card and get a payday loan at our financial institution right next to the liquor store.  Send us your social security check and Jesus will take away that gout.  The California State Lottery could make all your dreams come true and if you win Gelt Financial can buy your annuity off you for 40 cents on the dollar.  They’re gonna start scamming hobos out of their fucking bottles and cans.

You think you can’t get stolen from because you have nothing.  But people who have nothing got that way from trusting people.  They are the only people you can steal from.  Or people like me– I have nothing, but I had good credit.  Making one stupid payment every month on a credit card.  Grudgingly paying bills.  You get old enough and enough time passes so you look like you’re not a deadbeat.  Any bank in the world would be absolutely retarded to lend my destitute ass a penny, but, there you have it.  I had good credit, and it turns out people can steal that.  I’m only pissed that I didn’t think of it first.  Coulda been me with a couple cases of beer and a couch from the Walmart.

3 Responses to “This Is An Attempt To Collect A Debt”

  1. Jessica Maisonet March 5, 2013 at 10:04 pm #

    if you have no criminal record.. you can possibly become one of them? I mean whats the difference? as I wait for a sexually explicit reply from a girl I went to school with. please??? cause Im bored.

  2. King Ding Dong March 6, 2013 at 5:11 am #

    Kind of didn’t understand this one so much.

  3. Little Miss S March 7, 2013 at 4:40 am #

    I once totally out-maneuvered one of those bitches. I had been dodging their calls for weeks, just never answering, but one fateful day I was driving home to the South Bay from my boyfriend’s place in Silverlake, and my car started acting up. I pulled off the freeway right into lovely South Central LA and called AAA. The operator took my info and said she’d call back with an ETA. So when my phone rang 2 minutes later, I made the mistake of answering.

    “Hello, is this Silvija V?”
    “This is Capital One Visa calling about your credit debt”
    “What? No, I’ve never had a Capital One Visa” (I totally had)
    “Didn’t you say your name is Silvija V?”
    “No. I thought you said “this IS Silvija V. MY name is (insert name of author on paperback book on the floor of my car…good thing it wasn’t Ernest Hemingway or something)!”
    “Oh. Sorry to bother you.”

    And I never heard from them again! And now the statute of limitations has run out! Whee!!

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