I got something in the mail, some debt collector out of Oklahoma offering me some settlement on a credit card I never had. Someone stole my identity. Good for them. I hope they bought TV’s and Xboxes and got huge cash advances for massage parlors where they could prematurely ejaculate into some Korean sex slave. I only wish I didn’t have the ethical hangups that keep me from doing that kind of shit.
But now I have to call… not the debt collector, because if you’ve ever dealt with any kind of debt collector, you know they will give you no information. They’re like one of those grass seeds that gets up a dog’s nose; little thorns and barbs that make it only slide further up when you grab at it. Get some kind of admission from you of who you are and take this as an agreement that it’s your debt and bug you and bug you and bug you. They are masterful about this. Well, it is under your name sir, and you are liable. No, I have to call Citibank; I have to pay for a credit report, I have to identify in whatever jargon is used thereupon what item matches up with a Citibank credit card. The amount won’t be the same. The debt collector just makes up some huge amount and knocks off most of it to make it look like a deal. Then one in one thousand checks roll in. Free money. From a person so stupid and unsophisticated they think any official looking letter is gospel. Free money from the only sort of person who really needs it.
These are the growth sectors of our economy. Scams. Scaring the stupid, elderly or poor into sending checks. Make money from home, by paying us money. Unemployed? Sign up for our employment service where you pay us money. Switch your balance to our 19.95 per cent APR credit card and get a payday loan at our financial institution right next to the liquor store. Send us your social security check and Jesus will take away that gout. The California State Lottery could make all your dreams come true and if you win Gelt Financial can buy your annuity off you for 40 cents on the dollar. They’re gonna start scamming hobos out of their fucking bottles and cans.
You think you can’t get stolen from because you have nothing. But people who have nothing got that way from trusting people. They are the only people you can steal from. Or people like me– I have nothing, but I had good credit. Making one stupid payment every month on a credit card. Grudgingly paying bills. You get old enough and enough time passes so you look like you’re not a deadbeat. Any bank in the world would be absolutely retarded to lend my destitute ass a penny, but, there you have it. I had good credit, and it turns out people can steal that. I’m only pissed that I didn’t think of it first. Coulda been me with a couple cases of beer and a couch from the Walmart.