I Beat The End Boss

4 Mar


I’ve crossed the cock rubicon and I can’t jerk off to porn anymore.  For the first few weeks of my unemployment it was six to eight times per day.  When I discovered that Bing enabled perfect porn searches I was in a kind of heaven.  There was no hour unjerked.  My penis was beat up and scabby but it responded nonetheless.  Looking back now this was the penis Beatles.  Studio 54 in the 70’s.  Now nothing excites me.

Diaper porn, midgets, chubby chicks, hot young wholesome girls next door who just turned eighteen, high school girls wincingly taking their first anal– it’s like watching a stock ticker.  A cricket match. Who gives a shit about these mechanical shufflings of meat.  I actually paleobated yesterday, jerking off to a half retarded girl with big tits I knew when I was sixteen.  She had gone swimming in the lake in a white bikini, then sat giggling and dripping on top of my uncle’s washing machine.  I didn’t know at first that she was… not mentally challenged per se, but some kind of special needs.  Some kind of Asperger’s before they knew what Asperger’s was, and it turns out she was at my aunt and uncle’s house by the lake because she rode the special needs school bus my aunt drove.  In retrospect, that made it so much hotter.  Beautiful young girl that no one pays attention to.  All the boys from town look down on her.  Not me, baby.  I care about you.  Squirt squirt squirt.

I mean, thank God, because now maybe I’ll actually go talk to a woman.  I’ve been harvesting OKCupid phone numbers and never calling, not answering texts that say you want me to come over.   Leaving that vast cavern of awkward silence empty when a girl gives you the opening to get her number.  I just haven’t given a fuck.  I found the magic space where your ball sack is finally empty and a date would be a pain in the ass.  El Dorado.   Eight times a day is what it takes.  You thought it was impossible but it was just Ghosts ‘n’ Goblins where you get to the end of the impossibly long difficult game and it just makes you start over.  Eventually, though,  you do get the kill screen.

9 Responses to “I Beat The End Boss”

  1. Bronan the Barbarian! March 4, 2013 at 12:58 pm #

    Fucking Ghosts ‘N Goblins. That game was impossible.

    • Anonymous March 4, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

      I know right! It took unearthly ability to beat that fucking game.

  2. Cakes and Shakes... March 4, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

    Is it weird that I read “hot young wholesome girls next door who just turned eighteen” and Miss Teen Delaware popped into my head.

    • delicioustacos March 4, 2013 at 1:29 pm #

      Only works if you lived next to a group home.

      • Cakes and Shakes... March 4, 2013 at 1:34 pm #

        I guess relocation is pricey when you’re out of paid employment. And can’t steal her business model (make 1500 bucks for a few minutes of half-assery…)

  3. While You Work March 4, 2013 at 2:06 pm #

    As a man with unlimited time and resources, I’ve taken to conducting background research on porn chicks in order to provide that extra hit of realness.

    Allie Sin was always hot, but that will only does so much. Read her story, and you feel like a vampire kept immortal by devouring the souls of a beautiful young things… Actually, I still kind of feel like a loser holed up in his bedroom at noon on a Monday.


    • If you like those stories, check out this guy’s youtube channel. He shoots for a bunch of porn sites – I think he shoots all the porn for “Black on Blondes” – and every girl he gets in there he does a “behind the scenes” interview with where he really digs into their past and tries to psychoanalyze them; trying to figure out how, say, a girl from the Iowa cornfields winds up getting gangbanged by a bunch of Nutty Blocc Compton Crips for a living.

      Here’s a good one. This chick talks about fucking her stepdad and having a threesome when she was fourteen with a guy who fucked her mom. All kinds of crazy shit:

      Fascinating stuff.

  4. Little Miss S March 4, 2013 at 6:04 pm #

    Ghosts ‘n Goblins…is that like Ghouls ‘n Ghosts? I wanna play that so bad now!

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