Reader Mailbag: Fantasy Island

3 Apr

sw snacks

A GIRL I’VE BEEN CORRESPONDING WITH ON THE INTERNET WHO WANTS TO VISIT ME FROM OUT OF TOWN writes:

can you write a thing of all the things you’ve fantasized about doing to/with/on/in/etc me?

or am i not allowed to see that yet

because that’d be entertaining

I mean: I want to fuck you. That’s pretty much it. You know what fucking is like. The dick goes in the hole. Maybe I’ll put your wrists behind your head but I’m not gonna choke you or any of that shit on the first date. My cat will probably come in the sliding door I’ve left open, walk in the room, and meow. We’ll have a little chuckle. The mood will be ruined. I will continue shuffling my flagging erection into you in a workmanlike manner but I won’t be able to cum. I’ll jokingly apologize and get up and get more booze. Give the cat a can of food. Then you’ll stand behind me as I read shit on reddit. We’ll laugh but you’ll be thinking: what the fuck? This guy could have my wet young pussy and he wants to watch Russian dash cam videos? I’ll be thinking: who cares. I fucked her. Check. Now I can not think about it for a while. Also, unlike these World Star Hip Hop fights, the fucking Russians know how to break it up with a left occasionally. Black guys it’s just right right right right right.

I want to fuck you. I don’t want to hit you or pretend to rape you or shit on you or put an ice cube in your ass or dress you up as a pony or have you peg me. I want to fuck you. If you need an explanation of the mechanics I can direct you to many fine video clips.

The one thing I do want is for you to be sweaty from the airplane. I want the musk of your ovulating 25 year old cunt to have stewed and marinated on the long flight. I want your clothes to smell like Southwest Airlines recirculated air and the crumbs from the honey mustard pretzel and Doritos mix, now nut free. I want your mouth to be stale and I want you to be wearing shitty shoes and shitty jeans and I’m still gonna throw you on the floor and pull them off; give myself rug burn kneeling over you and slipping it in you too fast and laughing you off when you ask me to put a condom on. I want to nut in you without asking you if you’re on birth control but I don’t have the balls. I want to fuck you as soon as you’re off the plane and we’re in a room alone and then I’ll cum and realize I don’t know you and you are staying in my home for several days and what if you snore. I want you to spend money to get on a plane and come see me because you’re hot in your facebook photos and you were born when I was in junior high and how am I gonna say no. Then I want to fuck you for a minute and a half and sheepishly blow about 20 high pressure ropes of jizz on your stomach and think: now what.

15 Responses to “Reader Mailbag: Fantasy Island”

  1. aneroidocean April 3, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

    That girl is a dude. Just saying.

  2. Anonymous April 3, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

    You’re great at writing, but you suck at living.

  3. vsoze April 3, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

    Getting to Bukowski status. Having young ladies fly out to see, stay with, and fuck you. Respect. Is it also because of your writing?

  4. Little Miss S April 3, 2013 at 9:47 pm #

    There, that last paragraph is what she wanted in the first place when she asked for “a thing of all the things” you want to do to her. It’s not so much that she wanted to hear anything crazy or unusual, she just wanted you to spend some time typing about her.

  5. Anonymous April 4, 2013 at 4:31 pm #

    Jesus , you are pathetic

  6. sylviasarah April 4, 2013 at 8:09 pm #

    That sounds like a lot of wasted jizz.

    • Stephen April 5, 2013 at 5:00 pm #

      That sounds like a stupid Catholic thing to say.

      • sylviasarah April 6, 2013 at 8:31 am #

        Obviously I meant that I want all of that jizz. But also I’m Catholic and everyone on here thinks I’m not so brainy anyway so it should just be expected. 😀

      • sylviasarah April 6, 2013 at 10:11 am #

        Also, I mean, a not so stupid Catholic thing is, chicks can monitor their cycle to figure out when they’re ovulating so he should be able to come inside una muchacha. And also, the dollar store sells ovulation tests so if it has gotten to the point where chicks are taking long flights to meet his penis, she should be willing to take a test so that we all get a shot at reading what it’s like to not be afraid to release his seed, even if it’s not during a growing season. As it were. And the pill is only as reliable as it’s taker. Which probably means most men think chicks are just completely unreliable and all want to get knocked up. Which might mean we do.

        The end.

      • Anonymous April 6, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

        We definitely don’t all want to get knocked up. And, he can hardly ever cum anyway. If he would fuck older women he wouldn’t have to worry quite as much–but it’s a strict routine he keeps. Absolutely no surprises. Pretty Complete Sameness .

  7. Anonymous April 14, 2013 at 10:15 pm #

    It’s the writing. I want to castrate him but i’d probably fuck him. Never underestimate the power of a well turned phrase, And this man knows it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Daily Linkage – April 4, 2013 | The Second Estate - April 4, 2013

    […] Reader Mailbag: Fantasy Island | delicioustacos […]

  2. Number One Fan | delicioustacos - April 19, 2013

    […] woman is flying from Chicago to visit me.  A fan.  She is fucking crazy, but I’m having her come […]

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