Weekend Journal: Crimes and Misdemeanors

8 Sep

bicycle thief

There are ants in the bathroom sink. I keep jerking off into it. Trying to hold on to the images from porn. Trying not to get distracted by the nightmare Dali tableau of the ants, swarms and swarms of them picking at the crust of my toothpaste. When I nut the first drop makes them scatter, furiously. Then I wash my jizz down the drain and with it their colony. They quickly repopulate.

It’s too fucking hot and I’m hung over as shit and my bike got stolen. I need to call my parents. Tell my mom I’m going to Mexico City. I’ve been holding it back because I don’t want her to freak out. She’ll think I’m gonna get my head cut off, shipped back to her in a cooler. No, it’s fine, I’ll say. I was just in Tijuana, it’s not like you read about. What were you doing there? Uh…

Every half an hour I pull up craigslist and search for my bike. I found one yesterday, the same model. I called the guy; his name was Franco. He’s in a neighborhood controlled by gangs that are friendly with the White Fences of East Hollywood. I believe it is the White Fences who stole my bike. The photo was identical. He was having a yard sale, he said. Come on over and check it out. I was ready to go Rambo. This is my fucking bike. Give it back and I won’t call the cops.

I told El Chuco my plan. Are you out of your fucking mind, he said. You’ll get stomped. If you see the bike, get a picture of the serial number and call the cops. I didn’t know what I was gonna do but I drove out there. Little old guy sitting in a lawn chair. Are you Franco? I asked. I was rehearsing: that’s my fucking bike motherfucker, give it back or I’ll come back here with a shotgun. No, came a voice from behind me. I’m Franco. Danny Trejo’s head on Lou Ferrigno’s body. Tattoos all over his neck.

It was not the same bike. Different color pinstripes. This one belonged to his son who had gone off to college. I was relieved. Hot day; Franco gave me a beer. Bunch of nice shit at his yard sale. Quality furniture and art. A tasteful home.

It was stolen from a girl’s house. An OKCupid first date. Nice looking girl. Cute ass, big titties. Apartment full of beautiful things. Slutty girls love design. I’d biked over drunk. She had another girl with her, a neighbor. I thought I’d walked in to the jaws of a 3 way. But the neighbor was just the murder patrol. Once I was deemed safe she left. We got drunk, more dunk. We fucked. I came in two seconds. Slept next to her naked. I woke up at 3AM and I was trying to rape her. Wrists pinned over her head, legs open. Trying to get the tip in raw when she’d been adamant about condoms. She laughed it off. They always do. When it got light I redeemed myself with powerful and enduring morning wood. She made fresh juice with kale. I walked out triumphant. The day after new pussy is Christmas morning.

But the fucking bike was gone.

I loved that bike. I dream about it now. Speeding down the hills with trees flashing by. When I had it the tires were always going flat. I live at the top of a fucking mountain and I fucked up my knees and hips grinding back home from work. But still. I loved that bike. The White Fences were the big gang on her block, the girl told me. They steal a lot of bikes. Kidnap people’s dogs for ransom. I called the cops. Yeah, it could have been the Whites, the guy said. Could have been the Whites that stole your bike. I pictured the other cops behind him listening, without context. Thinking: what the fuck?

After the yard sale I went into Hollywood to file a police report. So I can call them when I find it in a pawn shop. Which I fucking won’t, it’s gone. But I keep looking. Like a mother who lost her child. I can’t stop thinking about it. My only comfort is to search uselessly. Driving the streets around the girl’s house slow, eyefucking everyone. Someone’s gonna beat my ass.

There was a girl in front of me in line at the police station. She had the best ass I’ve ever seen. Little daisy dukes, prefect orbs of meat hanging out the bottom. She was a victim of ATM fraud, she was saying. The cop looked like an owl. He kept explaining that she needed to call the bank. Just, call Wells Fargo. Just tell them what you told me. Say it in the same tone. I believe you. If you say it emphatically like that, the way you’re saying it now, the bank will too. She’d stop. Tell the story again. My friend pulled me out of the house and she was alone in my room and my information is in the top drawer there. It was her. I don’t know her name, just her nickname. Officer Owl was frustrated with her. Ma’am, I can’t arrest a person just because she was in your house. To his right was Officer Sanchez, talking on the phone. I kept trying to make eye contact with Sanchez. To say: is that not the best ass you have ever seen? His eyes never left his computer. Another cop came in . Six foot eight black guy. Here would be an ally. I shot him the eyes. Is this not, my countenance asked, the best ass you have ever seen? Hightower didn’t give a shit either. What do these cops see to ignore an ass like that.

There was a girl drinking her coffee on the stoop, when I came out to find it gone. She was gorgeous. Perfect. I’m so sorry, she said. If I see it, I’ll get in touch. Who were you staying with? I uh… shit. Apartment five? I didn’t know her name. I only know her internet name, I said. She laughed. I had to explain to my host that I had outed her. Your neighbor thinks you’re a whore now. Well shit, she said. Talk about a whore, you oughta see the men she has over. I made a mental note.

The bike is an all matte black Electra beach cruiser with subtle olive drab stripes on the sides, if you ever see one. Serial number EAC3A00464. If you find it I will give you a cash reward. If you see it on the street, if you see her, being abused by these miscreants, shoot me an email. It was stolen from North Kingsley Drive, near Santa Monica Boulevard. Locked up in a gated yard.


It’s just a piece of metal but it meant something to me. My buddy bought it as a gift. Old friend from up north, where I used to work part time and ride my beach cruiser around all day with my shirt off. Whales breaching in the bay beside me. It meant something. Reminded me of days when I was free. Now some cholo is bunny hopping her off a high curb, laughing at the jerkoff he got one over on. The streets are full of thugs. You will lose everything that isn’t nailed down. God damn Road Warrior universe out there with these dirtbags, their pregnant stretch pants sharpie eyebrow girlfriends, their un-neutered pit bulls chained to rusted out washing machines, their back yards full of stolen goods and roosters. Or who knows. I have no idea who took it. I shouldn’t stereotype. But still.

Fucking Whites, man.

UPDATE: I recovered the bike.

11 Responses to “Weekend Journal: Crimes and Misdemeanors”

  1. Little Miss S September 8, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

    Sorry to hear that 😦

  2. luiza September 9, 2013 at 12:01 am #

    I fucking love your writings. But you are too cool to hook up with me, which is fine. Im god damn used to it. And this is the perfect place to swear.I

  3. laidnyc September 9, 2013 at 1:39 pm #

    I love that I knew this was a delicioustacos based only on the snippet I saw on Electric Camel. I think that means you have a unique voice.

  4. Casey Vidgen September 10, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

    I stopped using okc a few weeks ago after one too many awkward dates lol. My coworker showed me cliqie.com and I’m a big fan of that over the others in terms of actually meeting people vs. just entertainment. It has a different approach that feels less sketchy cause you and your friends essentially act as “wingmen”. I like that it helps you find things to do too. Skout’s okay too, but still has it’s fair share of creepers

    • delicioustacos September 10, 2013 at 12:52 pm #

      Congratulations on getting through WordPress’ rigorous spam blocking, Russian robot. I’m gonna get on the dating site you speak of and singlehandedly ruin it.

    • Stephen September 11, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

      Die Robot Cunt.

  5. JC September 12, 2013 at 7:39 pm #

    The day after new pussy is Christmas morning.

  6. sex toy September 14, 2013 at 10:23 am #

    tenkyou. salam bloging indo.


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