Jonathan Livingston Dumbass

27 May

I was at the beach on Memorial Day. Just for a minute– I had to work. I’d asked my boss if we had the day off. He did not respond. This meant: what do you think. I’m sure he was infuriated. But I left the office to look at underage bikini tits.

A seagull had found a watermelon rind. He was trying to swallow it whole. Fifteen times he picked it up. Huge wedge that must have weighed a pound. Cocked his head back and did that neck shake they do to get food down their gullet. Finally he dropped it. Figured out that only the pink shit was good and began pecking. Right on, I thought. But he’d dropped it right where the waves were lapping the shore; it kept getting picked up and washed away. The water would move it into the path of another seagull. Seagull 1 would have to chase it. Fight for it. He was a tough fucker, and committed– he would always win. Nip at it for a second before the next wave.

Dumbass: you knew how to pick up the watermelon. And you knew how to eat it. Why couldn’t you put two and two together. Pick it up, take it over to the sand, take your new tactical knowledge and go to town in peace.

I got fired yesterday. Bad. I got laid yesterday. Good. I might not get five grand I was promised for a project. Bad. One of my bunions fell off in the shower. Good. The day was a wash. The girl was Asian. Girls are all the same to me. But Asians are in high demand. Fucking her means I am extra attractive. We did it standing up on my porch so the neighbors could see.

My first sober first date. My first sober fuck in 20 years. God damn did I need it. Working 13 hour days. Newly sober… no parties, no bars. I was thirstier than Elliot Rodger. I prayed to God. It’s a thing I do now. Lord, let me know your will with women. I want to be a better human being. But also, I could really stand a piece of ass. I’m not sure how to reconcile these two things. Am I hurting people with the way I am.

Go have fun on your date, He said.

You can be yourself and not be horrible. You can be yourself and not lie. You can be yourself and not have an agenda. It can still work out.

I got back and he fired me. Do you want this job, he asked. No, I told him. You can be yourself and not lie. I don’t want any job, I told him. I like working for you because you’re not an asshole. But I don’t give a fuck about what you’re doing. You ought to fire me and hire a twelve dollar an hour college kid. A part time accountant.

You’re the smartest person I’ve ever had work for me, he said. And I’ve had people working for me for twenty five years. I just don’t know how to make you care.

You can’t, I told him. I’m a giraffe. You’re trying to hook me to a plow.* So are you firing me?

I’m firing you unless I hear that you’re passionately committed to doing everything that needs to get done.

I am as far from passionately committed as possible. You know this. I like and support you but I hate this job and if the place burned down I would dance.

All right. What are you gonna do now?

I’m a minor celebrity on the internet. Because I have sex with women via online dating. I’m going to write a post called “100 More OkCupid Openers,” and one called “20 Tinder profiles.” They’ll both get a million hits. Get reposted on every douche woman hater site in the world. From there I’ll charge 200 an hour to write rich guys’ OKC messages for them.

Well shit, he said. I wouldn’t want a job either.

It felt cool to say, but, fuck– I needed the money. That five grand could’ve unfucked me. But it was always a maybe. Until the check clears, until they’ve absolutely exhausted every avenue of fucking you out of it— maybe. Meanwhile Banc of America with a “c,” its legions of credit wrecking nebbishes expecting that first debt settlement payment in two days… that’s a definite.

I gotta figure out how to pick up that watermelon. God let me know thy will.

* I stole this line from Gods and Monsters.

20 Responses to “Jonathan Livingston Dumbass”

  1. Anonymous May 27, 2014 at 3:30 pm #

    Thought you had maybe kicked it. Nice to see ya again. Keep working through it, DT.

  2. Anonymous May 27, 2014 at 3:53 pm #

    Thought you might have died. Fuck me, your stuff is good. But for the love of Christ move out of LA to some smalltown shithole, get a menial job and a cheap apartment, and write at night after the bills are paid. Thanks, no charge.

    • Anon May 27, 2014 at 4:09 pm #

      Ain’t that the truth.

  3. takethislonging May 27, 2014 at 4:14 pm #

    Keep up your new once-per-month blogging schedule and you might not be a “minor celebrity on the internet” much longer.

  4. “You can be yourself and not be horrible. You can be yourself and not lie. You can be yourself and not have an agenda. It can still work out.”

    DT, I enjoy how you take the old saying “In vino veritas” (essentially, “drunk people tell the truth”) and turn it inside out. Drunken truth is (mostly) sloppy, slovenly, and emotion-driven. Here, you zero in on “non-intoxicated truth” which is rational, incisive, and to the point. You point out that they can make you do the job, but they can’t make you care about the job.

    Hmm, then again that “care about the job” thing may be why booze, ganja, prescription meds and other forms of intoxication are so popular with the working stiffs of today. “You may not care about the job, but here, have some more of this stuff; that way at least you won’t care about the fact you don’t care.”

  5. Anonymous IV: The Undiscovered Cun Tree May 27, 2014 at 5:34 pm #

    Generally speaking, if you charged $1.00 to leave a comment,
    it might be more lucrative than any shit job…

    But either way, ALL you people are damn entertaining.

    And, Timothy? The Novel is your Watermelon.

  6. jake May 27, 2014 at 6:24 pm #

    i’ve been banging asian girls exclusively, for months now. does that mean i’m extra attractive?

    also, living in places where whiteys hang out, who figured out the game. location independent, whatnot, buzzwords. there are quite a few of them. always the same scheme: half decent value proposition, expert-at-something persona. 10%. 90%, self promotion. they’re all guys with a semi decent pitch, and lots of skill and persistence promoting themselves.

    your 10%: you could easily be the 200 dollar an hour okc guy. but you’d have to do the stuff you don’t feel like. the self promoting. making a site that looks decent. a way to deal with the whole funnel and prospect thing. it’s all horribly dreadful and slimy internet-ey. i’m not doing it, but i’d do that before taking a 9-5 job.

    you could easily do it, whitey. i know a couple dozen guys living like jet setters (if you can jet set in coach), with just that exactly little internet-ratio-of-guru-of-something. and they’re by no means unique little snowflake geniuses.

    • It's me, Jake! May 27, 2014 at 9:09 pm #

      Who can always be depended on to tell us how much Asian ass they’re getting?

      • jake May 27, 2014 at 10:15 pm #

        dt attracted some of the whiniest little bitch commenters.

        another indicator that your reader base is ideal for the 200 bucks online dating coach writer thing. it’s the passive aggressive, negative, do-nothing-complain-about-everything guys that are ideal suckers (or in genuine need of seriously a fucking lot of help).

    • It's me, Jake's micropenis! May 28, 2014 at 9:58 am #

      “i’ve been banging asian girls exclusively, for months now. does that mean i’m extra attractive?”

  7. Atlanta Man May 28, 2014 at 5:13 am #

    This is still good shit man!

  8. mindstar May 28, 2014 at 9:27 am #

    Welcome back DT. You’ve been missed.

  9. Another Mary May 28, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

    Finally! Was alittle worried.

  10. Pork Beast May 28, 2014 at 6:56 pm #

    DT, your essays, ramblings, and fuckups permanently on display have helped me get through some of my own stuff. Including your sober shit. If you’re in dire straights and need money to get things right I know I’m not alone in wanting to help. You could ask us.

    • JackBlack23 May 29, 2014 at 8:35 am #

      There’s a paypal donation link on the sidebar so no need to wait for him to ask … I’m known to be an incorrigibly cheap bastard so will probably never make a donation myself but I would likely purchase a DT penned novella or whatever if that lazy fuck ever gets around to writing something like that …

  11. Ben Fuckerberg May 28, 2014 at 10:46 pm #

    I quit. blogging is just too damn hard.

  12. eec May 30, 2014 at 1:48 pm #

    Congrats 🙂 I’m proud of you

  13. blahhh man June 6, 2014 at 8:47 pm #

    “I was thirstier than Elliot Rodger”

    FUCKING LOL!!!!!!!!

  14. Michelle Morgan June 15, 2014 at 7:57 am #

    “You can be yourself and not be horrible. You can be yourself and not lie. You can be yourself and not have an agenda. It can still work out.”

    Well done.

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