But Enough about My Ass

17 Jun
image stolen from dailycuteness.com

image stolen from dailycuteness.com

No! Never enough about my ass. Typing this standing up. The pain spread to my balls. They’re a pair of brass doorknobs clattering on each other. I can stand so my balls don’t touch my thighs. I can avoid sitting. But I cannot prevent my balls from having contact with each other. Pissing is OK, until I get to the last “drain it all the way” squirt. You want to flex your taint, muscle out the last few drops. This requires your asshole. Everything requires your asshole. And now every nerve command stops on its way there. A bite of pain flares up. My body says are you sure. I learned how to cough without clenching my ass. How to clear my throat. Do you know if your toothbrush hits your gums too far back, you clench your ass? No? Shatter a beer bottle and stick in in your ass and then brush your teeth if you don’t believe me.

A fart is like a knife. A shit is not so bad, interestingly. Except my ass– it’s like an old movie where a cop is trying to talk to a hysterical woman and has to smack her. It’s so traumatized it just shuts down. And I can’t push. That will make the hemorrhoid pop out. You have to be patient. Just let it drop. The prescription strength stool softener does nothing. My stools were already pillow soft.

I can either sit in the bath or lay face first on the couch. Fine. What would I have done anyway. I have no job. But it hurts, it hurts. I should have taken the Vicodin script. Trying to be Dudley fucking Do-right over here with my sobriety. Nobody’s giving me a prize for this shit. I have a couple jobs lined up. I’m not following up on them, because of my ass. I will lose this woman over my ass. My life maybe.

Oh well. They made more.

7 Responses to “But Enough about My Ass”

  1. bucky June 17, 2014 at 8:32 pm #

    sorry man. nothing witty to say, really, just sorry you’re going through this. hope it’s over sooner than later.

  2. seriouslypleasedropit June 17, 2014 at 8:42 pm #

    If it kills you, I’ll drive down for the funeral.

    “How did you know the deceased?”

    “He was internet-famous, and I was a groupie. Can you be that as a dude old enough to rent a car?”

    Keep it up. The whole fixing-your-life thing.

  3. Anonymous June 18, 2014 at 5:23 pm #

    “No! Never enough about my ass.” It seems you have excreted your locus classicus here.

  4. whatever June 18, 2014 at 5:58 pm #

    Best wishes for your ass, man. Stay alive.

  5. eec June 19, 2014 at 1:36 am #

    I am extremely proud of you and everything you have been doing 🙂 Keep up the good work! ❤

    You're doing great! That ass is going to heal in no time :-p

  6. Reddit Throwaway - Beautiful Fish Tacos July 12, 2016 at 1:30 am #

    There’s something Jewish about these ass stories … Philip Roth, Taco’s Complaint …?


  1. But Enough about My Ass | Manosphere.com - June 17, 2014

    […] But Enough about My Ass […]

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