It Will Be Very Unpleasant

17 Jun
image stolen from

image stolen from

At the Mexican Doctor to get my surgeon referral. For the ass surgery I will need. Telemundo is on and the Copa Mundial is playing. Nigeria versus somebody. There’s a pressboard portrait of Christ on the wall, mounted on an oval piece of burlap, with the Oracion por la Paz. It feels like there’s a swiss army knife in my shitcave and all the blades keep flying open. The corkscrew.

Will he too have to finger my asshole. What will this accomplish. Someone needs to look. Feel is not enough. Especially with those gloves– maybe he could tell what it is if he went in raw. Yesterday the ER told me it’s a hemorrhoid, which it isn’t. It’s an anorectal abscess. I know from the internet. Sudden onset anal pain that escalates quickly. Coupled with fever and chills. Lethal if left untreated, but lancing provides instant relief.


I had finally called the insurance helpline. Wanted the nurse to tell me it was not an anorectal abscess. Sir, please stop looking at WebMD and getting paranoid. I know it blows when your ass hurts, but suck it up for a day or two. It’ll just go away. Eat fiber, etc.

Nope. With the symptoms you’ve described, sir, you will need to get this treated within 1 hour. If you begin to feel feverish or dizzy, call 911 immediately. What? I asked, as the room began to spin. Sir, please hold the line; I’m pulling up emergency medical facilities in your area. Well fuck. My asshole is gonna kill me. Let it be fast.

The girl drove me to the ER. She wanted to watch them lance my ass. A keeper. At night I think about the smell of her neck. It’ll be over soon.

Two doctors. The “big” doctor sees you first. Asian guy who’s graying perfectly and has a tan like he paraglides. You tell him your symptoms. He types into a laptop. Severe sudden onset anal pain. Chills. Fever. A lump just inside my rectum. Ah, yes, he says. Sounds like an anorectal abscess. Lethal if left untreated, but lancing provides instant relief. We’ll just take you back and handle it. He adds one sentence that isn’t copy-pasted from WebMD. Maybe he scrolled down to the comments.“It will be… very, uh, unpleasant.”

Yeah, I figured, I tell him. But, you got a choice between puncturing your lethal ass cyst or dying from it, you know… you gotta play the hand you’re dealt. He laughs and the cute nurses do too. I want to seem cool to him. I can tell he gets laid.

The second doctor stuck her hand in my ass and her finger got right on top of it and I screamed and screamed. You could hear the whole floor go quiet. Even the cholicky babies, the death moans of the elderly. Well I don’t see any signs of infection, she said. You’re doing a great job keeping it clean.


It feels like an internal hemorrhoid. Are you sure? Well no, she says. Someone needs to look at it. I can’t really get in there. Go to your primary care, get a referral to a surgeon. They’ll tell you if you need to get it cut out.

Lancing provides instant relief. What a fucking tease. I should have known, I should have known– a doctor tells you to go to a different doctor who can refer you to a real doctor. I went to my new Primary Care. Named Cesar just like the last one. Ten nurses there but only the hot one gets to follow him around. Yeah, they should have just done a colonoscopy at the ER, he said. But now you gotta see a specialist. I’ll put in the paperwork.

Meanwhile I looked at my ass again. The cyst is unmistakable now. Small grape erupting through the hot flesh of my ass ring. The whole pulpy pulsating organ is turning itself inside out. Pain like flames. There are also hemorrhoids. She was not wrong. Hideously coiled blue worms just on the verge of prolapsing. You induce a narrative. Spinach diarrhea caused a tear which caused a fistula which caused a cyst which blocked my anus which caused the hemorrhoids. If I had known this one day ago I could have told them. Instant relief.

Understanding only comes when it’s useless. Now I wait for the insurance letter. Dear sir: we regret to inform you that your request is not authorized. Get a lighter and a needle.

13 Responses to “It Will Be Very Unpleasant”

  1. emp June 17, 2014 at 12:07 pm #

    jesus christ how terrifying

  2. Soinclined June 17, 2014 at 12:41 pm #

    The good news will be the Versed and the Demerol in your near future. It’s standard for colonoscopies and would have provided you some temporary relief in the near term…but that’s another thing that would have been helpful to know.

    • delicioustacos June 17, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

      They offered me a vicodin script. In AA you’re allowed to take painkillers as directed. But I knew I’d be taking them to get high. So I said no.

      In retrospect, maybe a mistake.

  3. Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 1:49 pm #

    I must say, I really enjoy your ass stories

  4. John June 17, 2014 at 3:38 pm #

    If not for the fever it sounds like a Hemorrhoid. Warm epson salt baths and nattozymes help them pass.

  5. j June 17, 2014 at 8:19 pm #

    Hemorrhoids always made me feel feverish. I’m telling you dude, Squatty Potty.

  6. Anonymous June 18, 2014 at 11:02 am #

    “No! Never enough about my ass.” It seems you have excreted your locus classicus here.

  7. jake June 18, 2014 at 5:50 pm #

    Cross the border, get it sorted in Mexico?

  8. eec June 19, 2014 at 1:32 am #

    Your sober writing is fantastic. The segues and continuity are all amazing. There are so many layers! The nuance, complexity, and style of your writing have been developing and evolving so gracefully.

    Marvelous! I love it.

    • Anonymous June 19, 2014 at 6:11 pm #

      Are you the girlfriend?

  9. wtf June 19, 2014 at 11:45 am #

    Cmon enough with the shit

    • whatever June 20, 2014 at 3:06 am #

      No! Never enought with the shit!


  1. Weekend Journal: Toxic Masculinity | delicioustacos - October 7, 2015

    […] A parasite. You might have cirrhosis. You thought you had pinkeye and a hernia so you went to Cesar Velez MD to get eye drops and be told your gut pain was nothing. But your piss test indicates a liver […]

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