Coffee Shop Diary: Ass

14 Jun
image stolen from

image stolen from

She’ll break my heart but I don’t care because my asshole hurts. She’s going on a date with another dude. I don’t want her to. There’s other complicated shit. Who cares. My ass.

I’m afraid it’s cancer. A polyp. Started hurting after four days of diarrhea from bad spinach. Figured it was the acid. My asshole was just overworked and surly. But it got worse. It hurts a little when I sit and a lot when I cough. When I adjust. Until your asshole hurts you don’t know how much you pucker it in life. Suck it in. It’s like a second mouth and all day you’re nibbling your lower lip. When I do that it’s like a rat’s chewing through it. Abrasive pain. You understand why Richard Gere pulled the gerbil’s teeth. It hurts when I shit, obviously. But also when I jerk off. Your asshole pulsates when you nut. Who knew.

I assumed it was a cyst. Whatever it is, it weeps. You feel just a hint of slippery blister fluid trickling in your underwear. The reflex that kicks in when you feel a wet ass: did I shit? All day it’s like this. I had to look. Assumed it was a cyst right over the hole and I could lance it. Got out of the shower, bent over in the mirror. Spread my shitpipe. You never look at your own asshole. But with porn we’re all connoisseurs now. It did not look half bad. If it were on a chick I’d fuck it.

The outside is fine, so whatever hurts is in my ass. Cancer. I spat on a finger, stuck it in. Started to feel something. Slimy cherry size lump covered in smooth wet skin like a salamander’s back. When touched it recoiled, like an animal. The finger made it angry. The burn spread from my ass to my guts to my navel.

I’m gonna ride it out. The doctor would be a hassle. But what if it’s infected. What if it’s a pus bulb from a wound from some shard of chicken bone I swallowed. What if the sharp end of a shattered party wing scratched a 300 yard track through my bowels… organs and blood stewing in half-formed septic shit… We can’t choose the form our death takes. But that would fit.


If you don’t want her to go out with this dude, just tell her, my sponsor says. If you want to be monogamous, say so. If not, fine. But stop with this OKCupid pussy. Those girls are damaged. Go talk to girls in real life. You’re at the grocery store for instance. A woman contemplates celery. You go up to her, you say: I see you’re buying celery. I also like celery. Etc. Meet a nice girl this way.

And now an Isabella Rossellini looking chick with a band aid on her face asks to sit with me. She needs to charge her phone, she says. Right as I’m typing about talking to girls.

Message from God. So what the fuck do I say. I see you have books about art. I also like art. Here are some things I know about art. Anyway, you want to get a drink some night. Here, put your number in my phone. I want to hold a fistful of your hair down, look in your eyes when I’m about to cum. Make you think I might blast in you when you said don’t. A fan of medieval Japanese woodcuts I see. You have tiny arms like a child. I want you to put on Hello Kitty pajama bottoms and stumble squinty eyed from the bedroom and tell me daddy I can’t sleep. Too bad about your fuckin’ muppet eyebrows but I can look past that. You didn’t choose to be Armenian. I want to rut with you like a mandrill and I want it so god damn bad I can’t form a sentence, is what I’m saying. Anyway do you come here often.

Impossible. Impossible. I’m gonna clench my asshole so I don’t have to think about it anymore.

14 Responses to “Coffee Shop Diary: Ass”

  1. Atlanta Man June 14, 2014 at 3:33 pm #

    Get your ass checked ASAP, if there is an open wound and feces passes over it you are at risk of infection. I worked my way through all of your posts months ago and except for Irritable Bowel Syndrome you never were sick, you quit all mind altering substances and you have multiple health issues. Learning from your experience I am never going to quit getting wasted, it is bad for your health to be sober.

    • Anonymous June 14, 2014 at 5:05 pm #

      Sober… maybe bad for your health, but great for your writing

  2. L. Roy Aiken June 14, 2014 at 7:34 pm #

    On I learned that Byron wrote “She Walks in Beauty” exactly 200 years ago this week. And 200 years later? “Too bad about your fuckin’ muppet eyebrows but I can look past that.” Such is our degraded age, but I’m grateful for what poetry I can get. And that, dear sir, was fuckin’ poetry. Now hie thee to an ass-doctor, posthaste!

  3. Sumanguru June 14, 2014 at 7:37 pm #

    Get your ass to the doctor.

  4. jakes June 14, 2014 at 11:24 pm #

    why’s the girl going on a date with some dude? are you self sabotaging? is she just not that into you(TM)? so per the majority comments, your audience is mostly interested in your butthole. let’s get into your impending emotional downward spiral anyway.

  5. Michelle Morgan June 15, 2014 at 8:04 am #

    I, too, contemplate celery. I don’t speak to people while I do it, though. The only guys in my grocery store are pussy whipped by their wives or gay guy couples.

  6. Mac D June 15, 2014 at 5:26 pm #

    It’s a roid bro!

  7. Christy June 16, 2014 at 12:55 am #

    Hemorrhoid, probably. I was so stressed out once that I developed one and it hurt like hell. You know what cured it? I was in the middle of having sex with the guy I was dating, he was pounding me full force, and accidentally thrust it in the wrong hole. Worst pain I’ve EVER felt in my life…you could probably hear my screams all across the San Fernando Valley, but the next day and thereafter? NO hemorrhoid. I kid you not.

    • Atlanta Man June 16, 2014 at 6:38 pm #

      If you are not into anal penetration Preparation H also does the trick.

    • Nikol June 17, 2014 at 9:39 am #

      You found a guy who cures hemorrhoids with his dong and you let him slip away. Tell him to holla this direction.

      • Christy June 17, 2014 at 9:36 pm #

        Well, we got back together, but he’s dumped me once before. So if it happens again I’ll give you his number!

  8. j June 17, 2014 at 8:09 pm #

    You need a Squatty Potty. Seriously, Google it. It’s a little chair you put under your toilet so you squat when you poop instead of sit. When you sit, your bowels have a kink in them, which makes you have to push extra hard, which strains the blood vessels in your anus that comprise the sphincter, which leads to hemorrhoids. (The trick, btw, is to take a warm bath and stuff the fuckers back in where they can heal without further aggravation, but it sounds like yours are internal, so they’ll take care of themselves). But when you squat there’s no kinks; poop just splorts out the way nature intended.

    Changed my life. I used to get hemorrhoids exactly like you describe every couple months, whenever I’d get diarrhea, and every time was 2-5 days of misery until they healed. Now I squat instead of sit, and my anus is as tightly puckered as a small child’s.


  1. Coffee Shop Diary: Ass | - June 14, 2014

    […] Coffee Shop Diary: Ass […]

  2. Wordpress Blogs - Wordpress Blogs .NET - June 14, 2014

    […] Coffee Shop Diary: Ass June 14th, 2014 — “She’ll break my heart but I don’t care because my asshole hurts. She’s going on a date with another dude. I don’t want her to. There’s other complicated shit. Who cares. My ass. … I’m afraid it’s cancer. A polyp. Started hurting after four days of diarrhea from bad spinach. Figured it was the acid. […]” 5 Comments […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: